The Phoenix
by TheHungerPains729
Summary: With Katniss still having nightmares and Peeta still having hijack rages, can they support each other or will they crumble and fall apart? And who will be there when it all goes to hell? Taken place before Peeta and Katniss are married w/ kids and after the two of them and Haymitch come back home in Mockingjay.
1. Home Again

**Disclaimer****: The only thing I own is the plot and any original ideas. It's a bit OC of Katniss and Haymitch but that goes without saying anyway. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you do like it though, feel free to read and review!  
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**Summary****: Taken place when Katniss, Haymitch and Peeta are all back in District 12 but Katniss and Peeta don't have kids yet, they're both unmarried and they're both seventeen. With Prim dead and Katniss and Peeta still both having flashbacks, can they stick together through thick and thin or will they fall apart? And who will be there for her when she needs help the most? **

**Rating: M for language, violence, and other bad stuff  
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Chapter One: Home Again

**. . . .**

I wake up to screaming but not sure if it's Peeta's or my own. Either way, it doesn't really matter because neither of us has gotten much sleep since we came back. Every night for the past two weeks since we've come home to whatever sad fragment of a house that was left, one of us has woken up screaming our head off in the middle of the night. The flashbacks of everything since the first Hunger Games we were thrown in have tortured our minds and have left traces in our nightmares. It's even gotten so bad to the point where we've unintentionally taken turns clawing each other in panic and terror during these nightmares.

With a tightness in my chest and my hair matted to my head with sweat, I instantly know that it had been me screaming. I feel cold hands on my shoulders and back and recognize them as his. I take gasping breaths and then realize to my embarrassment and frustration that I'm also crying.

"Hey… hey, it's okay, Katniss. I-It was just a bad dream…"

His voice should be soothing to me but his hesitation halfway through gives me doubts. Nothing that happened was okay. Rue shouldn't have been killed at all. Little Rue, who reminded me so much of Prim, and Prim… she definitely shouldn't have been killed. Finnick should have gone back to his wife Annie, and my mother shouldn't have abandoned me for a second time. None of this was okay. It all seemed like a bad dream.

I feel Peeta's fingers gently caress my dark hair in a weak attempt to calm me and I feel guilty for not being able to let him help me. I try and take several slow breaths, just like Haymitch had taught me when my panic attacks and night terrors were at an all time high. He had taken over for my mother in taking care of me and Peeta as well between his sober times and casual drunkenness. I never thought I'd ever say this but I don't know where we would be now if it hadn't been for him; Actually, I do know but I try not to let my mind wander into those dark places.

"I-I'm okay," I assure both of us even though I'm not a hundred percent sure. "I'm a-alright…"

I know he's not convinced by my assurance because he's silent for several moments, letting out a soft sigh. Finally, I feel his gentle touch leave me and the bed shift slightly as he stands up but I don't want him to leave quite yet. I am ashamed to admit how much more selfish and dependent on him I've become since we came back.

"What t-time is it?" I somehow manage to ask in the dim light of the rising sun.

I'm not looking at him but I know he's looking at the sad excuse for a wall clock behind him. "Almost five. I'll go make some tea for us. Do you feel up to taking a bath?"

The way he asks this makes me even more embarrassed but I know he means it sincerely and not sarcastically. The truth is, I really don't feel up to taking one but I know I need one. I nod weakly and then wrap my arms around my small, fragile body and walk into the small bathroom. I only half-heartedly close the door and begin to undress as the floorboards indicate to me that he's left the room and walked out into our tiny kitchen that we now share. I ignore the dusty, old mirror as I fill the cramped barrel up with lukewarm water and easily fit my limbs and emaciated torso inside it before I begin to scrub the dirt and grime off my skin.

I'm almost grateful Prim can't see me right now. She'd force feed me and spread guilt trips on how I need to eat for Peeta and take care of him better. I don't need her to tell me that though. I know deep down that he's suffering as much as me, if not more right now. Since we came back, his PTSD rages from being hijacked at the Capitol still haven't let up very much but I'm patient as I can be with him. I know the real Peeta is still in there deep down.

I must have been in here awhile because the next thing I hear is Peeta's voice calling down the hallway and asking if I'm okay, but there's something in the tone that suggests fear of me having done something to myself as well. I nod stupidly but then realize he can't see me nod.

"I'm f-fine!" I call out weakly back, my voice being underused since I haven't said much to anyone.

I hear his footsteps hesitate on the floor again but then hear Peeta walk back into the kitchen. It figures; he's afraid I'm going to kill myself. I admit that the thought's crossed my mind more than a few times since I've come back but I selfishly know if Peeta ever found me bleeding out or strung up, he wouldn't want to live anymore. I'm pretty much the only thing he has left besides his mother and the bakery but he hasn't been able to work there properly because of his nightmares and the spiders crawling in his head, corrupting any decent memories he might have of me. I also can't stand thinking of the look on Haymitch's face if he ever found out I offed myself. I don't want to give him any more reasons to drink himself into oblivion than he already has.

I rinse myself of the sweet vanilla and honey grass smelling soap and then force myself out and dry my body off. I fight the urge to crawl back into the long shirt I had been in last night so I pull on my hunting pants and a long sleeved shirt that almost hangs off my body because no one's forced me to eat when I don't feel like it. I lazily braid my hair down my back and then walk down the hall into the small kitchen where Peeta is standing by the window looking out. I already know what he's thinking of but I'm afraid he's going to fly into one of his spells.

"The Capitol burned the District to the ground, killing everyone we loved. Real or not real?" I ask weakly, softly in an attempt to try and keep him in reality and his feet on the ground.

He's quiet for a few moments before he finally answers. "Real. Except the bakery, r-right? And my mother? They're still alive, real or not real?"

I take the fact that he considers the bakery alive in and I feel an ache in my chest again. "Real."

I watch him nod in understanding and then sit down at the table. I also sit down and begin hold the mug of hot tea in my hands to try and warm them up from the chill outside that creeps in through the nooks and crannies of the house. We're both silent for what seems like ages until we both jump sky high when there's a knock at the door. We both look at each other with equally curious expressions. We both know it can only be one person. I don't have the energy to get up again so Peeta takes my stillness as cue to get up and go answer the door.

I look down at my tea as I hear Haymitch's voice after Peeta opens it.

"Good morning, lovebirds! How are the victors doing this morning?"

From the false happiness in his voice I can tell that he's already cracked open a bottle, or probably never stopped drinking since we came home. A part of me doesn't want him here but the other part of me feels bad for the very opposite. His drunken appearance is acknowledgement that we're all in this suffering together and he's doing just as bad as we are; his being here in this awful state makes me feel better in knowing that the events that happened has messed with all of us and gave us more baggage we didn't already need.

There seems to be a blank look of shock on Peeta's face and I can just tell it's going to be a rough day for him, which goes without saying it'll be a rough day for me too. Haymitch recognizes this look instantly and a flash of sympathy comes across his face.

"I was your mentor in the first Hunger Games you were in, real or not real?" Haymitch asks as he looks down at Peeta with bloodshot eyes.

There's a long pause and my stomach twists uncomfortably until Peeta finally answers him. "R-Real…?"

A small smile appears on Haymitch's face now and he gently pats Peeta on the shoulder before looking sympathetic again. "That's right, kiddo."

I take a long sip of my now lukewarm tea as I watch Haymitch sit down at our table with his tired and identical Seam eyes and see him look at me with them. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"

"Better than you, by the looks of it," I answer almost bitterly before I can bite my tongue. I don't know where this is coming from but I can't help being resentful of our ex-mentor. He was the only one who was able to keep me alive not only during both Hunger Games but even after we came back to our broken and burned District, but he wasn't able to quit drinking the whole time.

He gives me a drunken smirk and shakes his head in what I can only fathom must be disbelief for him. "Just because you're not drunk doesn't mean you're doing better than I am, Katniss. Don't fool yourself, sweetheart," he almost taunts me.

I see Peeta look at Haymitch with a disapproving and almost angry fire in his own eyes and for a split second I can't tell if he's going to hurt him or myself but then he sits down by where his own tea is and I relax slightly. Normally I can ignore Haymitch's habit of calling me by the passive-aggressive pet name but for some reason today, it's already getting to me.

"Take another look at yourself, Haymitch. It's not even seven in the morning and you're already plastered. You can't go an hour a day without being totally shitfaced! Who's fooling who around here?" I exclaim, shooting him the darkest glare I can muster.

I'm purposely trying to get him riled up but I know I failed when he just chuckles and smiles at me. I don't know where my sudden tears are coming from but I know they're out of anger and spite and bitterness of a pill that I still haven't been able to totally swallow yet.

"That's right, Haymitch! Laugh and smile that shit eating grin you always give me because you haven't lost anything! You don't have anything to be angry for or anything to fight for anymore!" I jump up and yell at him as hot tears run down my face.

I see him jump up now and I can see that I've finally hit a nerve with him and he leans over but doesn't touch me. I can feel the remnants of my heart beating fast in my hollow chest as I smell the familiar sickly smell of stale alcohol on his breath, almost making me feel nauseous.

"I haven't lost anything? I've lost kids that I've mentored and dared to give a shit about in the past Hunger Games! I've lost my dignity and friends! I've lost my mother, brother, and the only woman I've ever truly loved! I've lost a hell of a lot more than you could ever imagine so don't even play that game with me, sweetheart. You are right about one thing though, Girl on Fire… I don't have anything to fight for anymore, which is why I drown myself in alcohol and drink myself into a coma! You can say a lot of things to me, Katniss, but never tell me that I haven't lost anything!"

I want to tear his face off when I hear him call me 'sweetheart' again but I hear him slam his fist on the table and walk out of the small, sad excuse for a house before I can even say another word to him. I'm in temporary shock but it quickly wears off and I sit back down in my seat, silent and regretting Haymitch ever coming over here this morning.

"Don't listen to him, Katniss. He's just drunk and doesn't know what he's saying…"

I finish off my tea and look over at Peeta. "He's right though. I shouldn't have said that he hasn't lost anything. We knew he lost those kids he mentored before, and he lost his family…"

"But we lost our families too, and people we care about. He should've understood," Peeta chimed in, trying to make excuses for me like he always does.

I'm quiet again, unsure what to say. I'm not going to agree with Peeta because I was the one who had pushed Haymitch and I should've remembered about his losses. I try and not to let the guilt and self pity take over me too much but I can't help it, not when I know about the day ahead for us today.

The day goes on for us without further confrontation from Haymitch but when the evening hits, I begin to get tired and my eyelids close as I lay on the floor in our tiny living area. I dream I'm back in the forest where the first Hunger Games took place and I'm watching Rue die, but instead of Rue, it's Prim I'm holding as she fades away in my arms. I'm screaming and crying but I feel hands around my neck cutting off my oxygen and she slips out of my strong arms. I wake up gasping for air and see Peeta hovering over me, his fingers pressing down hard against my throat and the oxygen is sucked out of me. I fight against him like we're still in the Hunger Games but my muscle mass has long since deteriorated from not hunting and I feel faint as my vision blurs.

"Peeta!" I faintly hear a voice yell and then suddenly my lungs fill up with air once again but not before I cough violently to try and regain what I had lost. I roll over onto my hands and knees and look up at my savior that managed to pull Peeta off of me but still is struggling to calm him down.

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME! YOU KILLED MY FAMILY! THE CAPITOL WANTS YOU!"

"Stop it, Peeta! That's not true, remember?! The Capitol killed your family! And mine, And Katniss' sister!" I hear Haymitch's voice try to force Peeta to remember.

"I HAVE TO FINISH IT! I HAVE TO KILL YOU OR YOU'LL KILL ME!"

When I finally stand up, I see Haymitch holding Peeta almost easily against the wall to try to restrain him while he's looking at me with wide eyes. "Katniss, get the morphling!"

I hurry into my room where I keep the syringe of morphling on the bedside table, just in case Peeta attacks me during the night and he needs to be calmed down. I grab it and hurriedly walk back to where Peeta is still yelling and I jab the syringe into Peeta's forearm forcefully before quickly pushing down the plunger part and watch as he slips into a whole other world. His body weakens and begins to fall to the ground as he slips into oblivion but Haymitch gently picks his body up and carries him into the living area where the couch is and sets Peeta's limp body onto it.

I watch his chest move up and down peacefully before covering him up with a blanket and turning to Haymitch. "T-Thank you," I practically whisper to him, still feeling a bit lightheaded.

His hand finds my cheek and for a moment I'm scared he's going to hit me or something so I instinctively flinch. "You really think I'd do that, Katniss?"

I force myself to meet his eyes and for the first time in I don't know how long, I see genuine hurt and pain in them. I shake my head no because I don't want him to think that I think he would purposely hit me because of harsh words but the damage has already been done.

"I-I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Haymitch. I-I didn't think when I said those things…" I stutter out before he can say anything else.

He gently tugs on my braid and takes my face gently in his hands, forcing me to look him in the eye. Our eyes connect and are swallowed in a storm of grey. "Let's go to my place. I think you could use a drink."

I'm too tired and too embarrassed to object so I just nod hesitantly before I force myself to follow him out the door and outside. The air is cold and the wind stings my face but there's no snow on the ground yet. Maybe it's too cold too snow or maybe District 12 has been wiped from the map and none of us exist anymore. I pull my sleeves over my hands, very much aware I'm under dressed until I feel Haymitch place his jacket over my shoulders.

"Wait, no… you need it," I weakly object but he gives me a knowing look so I don't fight with him. We're both quiet for several moments and it feels like we'll never get to his house soon enough when I hear his voice speak to me again.

"I know you're suffering too, Katniss. I know you've experienced loss and… loss is loss, no matter how many people you lose."

This catches me off guard. I don't know what I had expected him to say but this wasn't it. Suddenly it feels like the air just dropped twenty more degrees but I feel better knowing that he isn't angry at me or I haven't disappointed him. This new feeling worries me but I try to push it back down inside me.

We were quiet for awhile longer until we finally entered his just as poor excuse for a house except it felt a lot warmer than my own. Looking around, I noticed a small furnace in the corner and I could smell something amazing on the stove in the kitchen. I never thought of him as someone who actually cooked anything and seeing a pot on the stovetop brought reality to the surface. He was just as human as me. The three of us really were in this whole thing together.

"Peeta really should be taking better care of you. You're wasting away on us…"

It sounded like something my father would've said to me if he had lived long enough to see me and Peeta together. I sat down at the kitchen table as Haymitch lazily grabbed a bowl and poured some stew in it before placing it in front of me. He sat down next to me but didn't eat, making me unsettled.

"Peeta's going through his own problems right now. It's not his responsibility to make sure I eat. I haven't been hungry anyway," I try to reason out with him. I lean back in my chair and rub my eyes tiredly and watch him look at me suspiciously.

"You need to eat or the Girl on Fire is going to be ashes soon enough. Now eat," he ordered, getting up and pouring himself a glass of clear alcohol.

"Look around you, Haymitch, that's all District 12 is now. Ashes, and we're living in the ashes."

He chuckled mockingly and sat down again before he took a long drink, finishing off the glass quickly before he poured himself another. "Well then, we need to rise up from the ashes like a phoenix, don't we, sweetheart?"

I let myself smile weakly and forced myself to eat a small spoonful of the stew and felt my body react to the hot liquids, instantly making me feel the urge to eat more. I eat another spoonful and another until I finish the bowl and Haymitch is looking satisfied with himself. My tiredness is beginning to take over again and I stand up, starting towards the door.

"Thank you for the stew but… I need to go check on Peeta."

I hear a resigned sigh from behind me and a chair pull out. "Yes, you need to check on your psychotic baker lover. Be careful; The Hunger Games may be over but he's still playing, whether he knows it or not."

I can tell that for once in his life, he's being serious and genuinely concerned for my safety. A small part of me is appreciative but another part is offended, and this part unfortunately rises to the surface, making me defensive of the boy with the bread.

"He can't help the rages… he didn't get hijacked willingly, Haymitch. That's why it's called hijacking. I still… I still love him," I say more weakly than I want to. "I need to watch over him!"

I look into Haymitch's eyes and see the smirk that I've grown so much to despise from him. "Need to or want to? They're both totally different things and it's yourself that you need to protect, not him, sweetheart."

"He can't help being like this!"

Haymitch shakes his head and pours himself another drink before he looks at me exasperatedly. "He can, he just doesn't want to! He knows the exercises to try and keep his feet on the ground, Katniss. He's just ignoring them because he knows he can get sympathy from you!"

I somehow manage to bite my tongue this time before I throw his jacket on the floor and storm out of his house, making sure to slam the door in an attempt to aggravate the hangover I know he already has today. As storm back to my house, I internally scold myself for letting him take me back to his house without even knowing what his intentions had been. If I had known he was going to give me warnings about Peeta and taunt him for something he couldn't control, then I never would've gone with him.

I don't let myself relax until I'm back at my own cold house and see Peeta still sleeping on the couch. I grab our tea cups from this morning and begin to wash them out in the sink but Haymitch's words still are replaying in my head. Why would Peeta keep trying to kill me if he was faking it? He wouldn't risk my trust and love for him like that. If he really was trying to play on my sympathy and taking me for granted, wouldn't I know it?

My thoughts wander off about the possibilities until I feel a sharp pain in my hand and realize that I had washed too hard and broke part of the mug I been washing, causing it to cut my finger. Damn Haymitch for getting in my head and damn myself for letting him.


	2. Not So Alone

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I do apologize; this chapter isn't as long as the previous one. As always, I appreciate your reviews! **

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Chapter Two: [Not So] Alone

. . .

I wake up in the middle of the night to see Peeta hovering over me minus his hands being around my throat this time. I can only see him in the dim light of the moon but I'm pretty sure he just looks scared. I try and remain calm as I sit up and rub my eyes tiredly, looking up at him cautiously.

"Can't sleep…?"

I see him shake his head no and then hear his soft voice that reminds me of the old Peeta. "Every time I try to, I see Cato or… or Snow and they're trying to kill me again. They're trying to kill you…"

My heart melts and I pull the sheet back in a silent invitation for him to sleep in my bed tonight, just like I did for Prim when she had nightmares about our father. He takes the invitation eagerly and I find us facing each other. I reach out and begin to caress his cheek with my thumb softly, missing him holding him like he did on the train in our first Hunger Games. I hate feeling like our relationship had only turned one-sided, with me loving him. Could Haymitch have been right about him playing on my sympathies? This wasn't how it should be. Shouldn't two people equally love the other?

"We're safe, Peeta. We're home again. Snow's dead and so is Cato. We killed Cato and… Snow died on his own. They're both gone and we're still alive," I try to soothe him.

"R-Right… yeah," Peeta stammers in the dark but I can see the confusion back in his similar eyes. "What if we're not alive though? I can't tell what's real anymore, Katniss. I'm just guessing and grabbing at things blindly. I can't even remember us, if there was really ever an 'us.' I mean, we were just playing it up for the cameras, right?"

I feel my chest ache again as I remember our kiss in the hidden bedrock in the forest and the warm feel of his hand on my forehead as he spread the ointment on my skin to heal me. That had been real. That had been the most real feeling I've ever felt in my life after my father died and Peeta couldn't even remember that feeling anymore.

I'm quiet for awhile as I try to work out the best answer to his question. If I say that it was real, I run the risk of making him feel even worse than he already does and guilty that he can't remember it. If I agree with him and say we were, in fact, just playing our love up for the cameras, then I'm denying any feeling I ever felt for him and let him keep thinking that it was a false love. It's a lose-lose situation for both of us in one way or another. As always, I'm going to look out for him and forget about myself. He's worse off than I am.

"Y-Yeah, I guess we were," I whisper, giving him a weak smile to assure him that I'm not upset at him for not being able to remember anything. "We're still friends though, real or not real?"

"Real," Peeta answers instantly but in a solitary whisper. When he says this, I realize that Peeta and I can't be together, not when he's either trying to kill me or when he's trying to remember everything that took place.

I nod and kiss his forehead softly before I roll over so my back is facing him now so he can't see the tears that are falling down my face. I'm feeling angry at myself for being in denial and thinking that we could still be a couple after his hijacking. I'm angry that Haymitch was right and maybe Peeta really was just playing me to gain sympathy and pity. I feel pathetic and dumb and wish that the Capitol could just bomb my house and make the Girl on Fire a reality. Somehow, though, I manage to fall asleep into the land of nightmares.

**OoOoOoOoOo**

When I wake up again, I'm breathing hard and Peeta isn't lying beside me anymore. I look around frantically to see if my headless dead sister is next to me but of course she's not. I run my fingers through my head and wipe the fresh tears off my cheeks before I force myself to bathe and get dressed. When I manage to look halfway decent, I tiptoe out into the kitchen and smell the familiar smell of alcohol. Haymitch is standing at the stove and making bacon and hash.

"W-Where's Peeta?"

I hear him sigh and glance at me with soft eyes. "He wanted some time alone at the bakery. I told him that baking things would be good for him so he left,"

Haymitch set a mug of dark tea in front of me and I instantly wrapped my cold hands around it to warm them up. Peeta didn't want to be around me if we weren't a couple. I was alone just like he wanted to be too. I didn't know what to say so I just sipped my tea, feeling my stomach churning at the smell of the hash.

"What did you two talk about last night? Did you lovebirds fight?"

I felt my stomach churn again at the word 'lovebirds.' We weren't even that. Something had happened between the time we had came back home and last night and Peeta had decided that we weren't, or couldn't be in love. "I don't want to talk about him, Haymitch. Please… don't make me say it."

I saw a small smirk reach his face and he dished up the food and placed it on a plate in front of me before sitting down beside me at the table. He was still wearing the same clothes from last night and he hadn't shaved in at least a week, but for some reason, I didn't mind. The shadow on his face fit him and even looked halfway attractive.

"Alright, fair enough. Eat your breakfast. I made it especially for you," he urged, motioning at the plate. I just shook my head but realized I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his effort. "Thank you, Haymitch, really. I'm just… not hungry."

He didn't take the plate away or get angry. He didn't do anything except sit there and lean closer to me, resting on his arms as his eyes searched mine. "I didn't mean for you two to play star-crossed lovers your entire lives, you know. You two were supposed to actually drop the act and be in love, like normal people."

I felt a gratitude when Haymitch said this and I smiled weakly before shrugging. "I guess… it just isn't meant to work out. Things are just… so messed up and I wish it had been him but… he doesn't remember the important things, the things that matter to me, the things I can't forget," I say resignedly, taking another sip of my tea.

I feel his rough fingers brush the lingering hair out of my eyes and feel the heat rise in my cheeks and something in my stomach flutter but I blame both of these things on the warm tea.

"I suppose… you can tell what types of memories mean more to certain people than other memories and feelings. Maybe you love him more than he loves you, sweetheart," Haymitch says softly in a tone that doesn't convey sarcasm or pretentiousness but sincere sympathy and understanding.

"Maybe," I agree reluctantly before I finally dare to meet his eyes and realize for the first time today that he looks like he had been crying at some point this morning. His eyes are bloodshot in that way rather than from the alcohol. "How… are you doing, Haymitch?"

He bites his lip uncertainly and leans back in his chair before he runs a hand through his hair, sighing heavily as he shakes his head. "I can't even begin to answer that, Katniss. I think we're all in the same depression boat though. Peeta told me you had another nightmare," he said, sidestepping my concerned question for him and turning the situation on me.

I was stubbornly silent as I purposely took slow sips of my tea, not exactly willing to talk about myself or my nightmare. His eyes burned into me until I finally gave in. "I-It was Prim again. She… she was in it. The… package blew up in her face and… a-and she was decapitated."

I looked away as the tears formed in my eyes, not wanting Haymitch to see the weakness in them. This was the last thing I wanted to do and he knew it, but he continued to push me.

"What else happened in your nightmare, Katniss?"

"She told me… i-it was my fault. She said… s-she said that it was my fault about Peeta and her a-and… and about Finnick," I said quickly, feeling my voice begin to tremble and my chest ache painfully as I forced myself to swallow back a sob.

No, I couldn't cry in front of him, I won't. I can't show weakness in front of him or else he'll hold it over my head forever. I make a somewhat casual attempt to itch my tear-filled eyes as if dust crept into my cornea and nestled inside it but I can tell he knows me better than that. I feel him stand up and walk over to me before he wraps his arms around my small body and I suddenly feel like I'm eight years old in my fathers' arms again.

"Listen to me: None of their deaths are your fault and the Capitol hijacking Peeta wasn't your fault either. You couldn't help any of those things and I know that if you had it your way, you would've been able to help them. There was nothing you could've done about Finnick. You had Peeta and you had to get the hell out of there. Annie's hurting but she understands. You didn't know about Prim. You can't keep blaming yourself for those things, sweetheart, you just can't."

At this point, I let all hell break loose and I'm sobbing violently into his shoulder, my arms tightly around his neck, breathing in the alcohol that's perpetually absorbed into his skin by now. I welcome it though, with open arms. He's home… he's here with me and Peeta. He smells like home. Tears are pouring from my eyes and my entire body is shaking with panic, fear, and sadness all tornadoed into one massive storm. I no longer care if he thinks of me as weak because he's holding me close and gently stroking my hair soothingly.

"Recite what you're told to say when your mind gets clouded. Say it for me, won't you?"

"I-I'm… Katniss Everdeen… I-I killed m-my friends and… a-and everyone w-who ever took a c-chance and cared about me," I sob still. "I-I killed my s-sister a-and…. my mom a-abandoned me… I-I'm alone… P-Peeta doesn't love me and… I shouldn't b-be alive…."

It's the first dark thought I ever let past between my lips in front of anyone and it's Haymitch who hears it first. I feel his shoulders stiffen and his arms hold me closer to him before he forces himself away and then gently, but firmly, take my face into his hands again and force me to look into his eyes as tears cloud my own. I see the determination laced into his and feel bad for ever saying how I truly feel.

"No, Katniss. You're stronger than that. You're stronger than those feelings. You didn't kill anyone and it's not your fault that your mother is weak. You're the strongest person I've met, though, stronger than Peeta even. You can make it through this… and you have me to help you. You're not alone, no matter how many fights we have or how many nightmares you have. We're in this together. Do you understand?"

His words reach deep within my soul and bring me back to life, but only just. No one's ever had as much faith in me as much as Haymitch does, and his determination to keep me alive, in and out of the Hunger Games, is what makes me respect him, regardless of his drinking. He still knows what it's like, and he's still alive. I nod quickly as he gently thumbs my tears away and I almost feel whole again. Almost.

He holds me and I let out everything I've been holding in for what feels like days but in reality, it's only a couple of hours. Haymitch listens to me and confirms or denies what I say. Finally when I'm out of tears, I speak up but still hold his arm that's holding me to him.

"I don't want to be here alone," I whisper, barely audibly. I breathe in his jacket that he's still wearing and feel him inhale and exhale before he answers back.

"Then come and live with me until you're ready to live alone again. I doubt Peeta will be coming back here to play House with you anymore," he whispers back softly.

I think about his offer but feel a mess of feelings and confusion collide within me. I don't know what he means by this, or what his intentions are. I can't live with anyone; Peeta was an example of that. We're both sick of each others' night terrors and violent fits. I don't know what to say and I'm not afraid of hurting his feelings by saying no, but I honestly am not sure if I want this right now.

"Why?"

"Why what, sweetheart?"

"Why do you want me to stay with you? What are you getting this out of this?" I ask curiously as I force myself to remain calm.

He sighs again but patiently, and he begins to run his fingers through my hair again. "I don't want to be alone either," he admits, and I can tell he's telling the truth.

"I'm not sure what to do, Haymitch. I… don't want to be alone but… I'm afraid if I live with you, I'm going to ruin your life like I have with everyone else. You're already in a bad place; you don't need me to make you feel worse."

I hate that I'm sporting my own little pity party but I keep telling myself that I'm doing it for selfless reasons. I'm doing it because I don't want him to suffer. His fingers find my braid and he lingers on it for a long time before he searches my face and I find myself looking up at him as well.

"Don't worry about me, Miss Everdeen. I'm a grown man. I can take care of myself. You can do whatever you want to do and I'll support it but I just want to know you're safe. If you stay here tonight, are you going to feel safe?"

I ponder this and wonder what exactly he means. There's a chance Peeta might come around during one of his episodes and attempt to kill me again. There are still some people from the Capitol around; maybe they'll kidnap me and throw me back into the last Hunger Games. Then another thought crosses my mind. Haymitch is thinking of the unthinkable; he thinks I might end my own life. That would be the most selfish act I could probably ever do in my life but the fact that he's worried about this also fascinates me.

"I don't know, but… I want to stay here anyway. This is still the house me and Peeta had and…" I trail off, looking away. I don't want to say what I know Haymitch is already thinking.

"Good memories. Yeah, I get it, sweetheart."

He forces me to sit up and then helps me on my own feet before he dusts me off. "Be careful, and you know what I mean. If anything happened to you, I'd never forgive myself for not forcing you to live with me."

I narrow my eyes playfully and see his smile that I've found myself missing too often. His eyes look tired and sorrowful but his smile reminds me of the little good that is still alive in this world. It gives me hope. He leaves and I find myself alone in the cold house that Peeta and I played House in. I don't want to relive those memories again so I let my body drop on the couch and I force myself to sleep again. I forget about Peeta going back to his bakery and Haymitch going back to his own home and I dream about Prim again, except this time, they're good dreams.

Until I wake up to screaming and water running down my cheeks and drowning me. I jolt awake, breathing heavily and look around but I don't move. I let the darkness of the day consume the house and I realize just how alone I am. Finnick reached my dreams and twisted them into sick nightmares. He was screaming at me to help him just as he turned into a large reptile with sharp jagged teeth and cut Peeta into two. I close my eyes, count to ten and practice my breathing exercises but I'm still crying when I'm done. I slowly sit up and hear creaking of the old house but force myself to believe that I'm all alone, which isn't too hard to convince myself of since it's all I've ever really known my own whole.

I'm sitting in silence for almost an hour before I finally realize this is the last place I want to be. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be here where memories of Peeta invade every corner of my mind and spin webs of nostalgia and misery. It's just hell being here. The bad memories have outweighed the good ones at last. Darkness covers the clock but looking outside, I guess it must be around eleven. I hurry into my room, grab my extra morphling and throw it into a knapsack I have from the first Hunger Games, along with some changes of clean clothes and my hunting gear. Then I hurry out of the dark house and begin walking quickly in the direction of Haymitch's.

My ears are wide open and I search the darkness like a madwoman out of fear that Peeta is going to jump out and snap my neck with his strong, baker hands. I instinctively start running and don't stop until I get to his house and knock on the door, still keeping my wits about me. The warm air leaks out onto my cold, frozen body when he opens the door within seconds and his eyes express fear and warmness.

"Hey, is everything okay?"

I want to nod my head but the muscles have a different agenda. He gently grabs my hand and pulls me inside before closing the door again and he wraps his arms around me. He smells like liquor but I don't care right now. He reminds me of safety and love and home and I couldn't be more grateful he took me in this late at night.

"You had another nightmare," he says softly, knowingly.

I nod this time and he leads me over to his couch where his bottle of clear alcohol is with a glass already half full. I look at it curiously and scoot over on the couch so I'm not crowding him and watch him down the glass.

"I think being back here isn't good for you, Katniss. I think maybe you need to consider moving to some other District. Being here just makes memories resurface and with Peeta being like he is, staying here just puts your life in danger," Haymitch tells me calmly but in a tone of voice that tells me that I should take a hint and that he's giving me advice like he did for the Hunger Games.

He's still trying to keep me alive.

"If I leave, I'd be leaving Peeta though. I can't abandon him like my mother abandoned me. I was with him for this long and… and to leave him now would just be worse than that."

He pours himself another drink and then passes the bottle to me in invitation to drink. I ignore it as I hear him talk again. "He's never going to be completely normal, darling. You must know that by now. You're never going to be completely together either, just like how I'm always going to feel guilty about Snow killing my family and my girlfriend. We're both going to have nightmares and staying here won't make them go away."

I know he's right but I'm ready with a solid reply. "Neither will leaving to go somewhere else. I'm still always going to see my sister dying and everyone else who died for me. Everyone I loved will always be in my nightmares and nothing's going to change that," I sigh, letting that single dark thought creep back into the corners of my messed up mind.

We're both silent for a long time before I see him grab the three-quarters empty bottle. At first I think he's going to finish it off but he just holds it as he looks around and then searches my tired eyes with his own.

"It's been a long couple of weeks. You may not have Peeta anymore but… you still have me, and you know that I'll take care of you. I won't ever abandon you, I promise you that, sweetheart. Now drink up and sleep. You're going to gain back your muscle starting tomorrow."

Before I can argue or question this, he raises the glass bottle to my lips and slowly forces me to drink the burning fuel as it scalds my throat but I swallow it, welcoming the burn; it lets me know that I can still feel something amidst all this pain. He makes me finish it off and I swallow all of it without question, and soon enough, I'm feeling tired and not being used to drinking alcohol, it clouds my head. He smiles a small, understanding smile at me before he helps me to lie down on the couch in front of the furnace. Almost instantly, I feel my eyes close and recite my daily incantation as my bones begin to warm up.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. _

_ I still live in District 12 with Peeta and Haymitch._

_ Peeta abandoned me even though I had pretty much already abandoned him._

_ I'm scared but not alone anymore._

_ Haymitch cares about my well-being and he's the closest thing I have to a friend right now. _

_ I'm going to stay at his house until I sort everything out._

_ I'm not in a rush to leave him any time soon, though._


	3. Happy Together

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews and kind words! Keep the reviews alive! I hope you're enjoying the story.**

* * *

Chapter Three: Happy Together

. . .

My throat burns like the alcohol did last night except it's my own blood-curdling screams that cause the pain this time. I'm thrashing on the couch to try to force the invisible Cato off of me as he's trying to murder me but I'm met with strong hands grabbing my arms firmly instead.

"Katniss! Wake up! Wake up, Katniss! Open your eyes!"

I force my eyes open as I hear Haymitch's familiar voice laced with the smell of whiskey and I instantly see why he had grabbed my arms so roughly. Thin lines of blood rise up on my forearms and I look on in horror to see I've clawed up my arms with what little fingernails still remain. My chest heaves as I try to catch my breath and I feel him let go of me before he gently takes his hands and thumbs away my leftover tears staining my face.

"You're okay, sweetheart. You're alright. It was just a nightmare… it's not real," he attempts to reassure me. "We need to get you bandaged up so those cuts don't get infected."

I feel his warmth leave me as he hurries off into what I guess would be his bathroom down the hall. I look down at my unintentional self-inflicted injuries and feel ashamed. These nightmares should be over. I don't deserve to be having these; Peeta was worse off than me. Haymitch comes back with some white gauze bandages and some disinfectant ointment that I recognize when I had been burned alive on my leg a few years earlier.

"Do you want to tell me what happened this time?" He asks me in a calm voice but I can tell by the expression on his face that he's afraid of what I saw in my head.

I shake my own head, replaying the horrific experience over and over from my dreams. Talking about it just makes it too real for me so I decide to turn the situation onto him and change the subject slightly so the attention is off of me.

"Did… did you have these nightmares when you came back from your Hunger Games?"

He's quiet for what feels like ages but I see him nod and then hear him sigh a shaky sigh, as if he doesn't want to talk about it either but he does anyway. "Yes. At first it was because of killing the other tribute but… then it was because I had inadvertently killed my family and the woman I loved at the time by using that damn force field. I had nightmares that I threw all of them into it instead of President Snow killing them. I dreamed that… I watched Snow set them on fire and burn them alive."

I feel a lump in my throat and feel like I have more in common with Haymitch than I care to admit. We both know loss, but not the same brand of loss that Peeta knows; he lost his memories. Haymitch and I both lost our families and friends, people we loved. He finishes bandaging my one forearm up and moves onto the other.

"How did you make them stop?"

I see a small smirk out of the corner of his face and he glances up at me. "I drowned myself in alcohol, of course. It was the only thing that helped me. It's a lot harder to have nightmares when you're blackout drunk. You get to forget for a short amount of time and then you wake up, and start all over again."

"Oh," is all I can muster out when he tells me this. I should've known. He drinks to drown the horrifying spiders that weave the webs nightmares are made of.

"Not that I'm condoning you drinking or anything, sweetheart," he says in almost a fatherly tone of voice. "I should be living proof that no matter how many bottles you drink, there's not enough alcohol in the Capitol that makes you ever truly forget what you don't want to remember. You're still stuck with yourself."

"I'm sorry, Haymitch," I reply sincerely, unsure what the more appropriate thing to say to this would be. I really am sorry, though. I know how loss can consume and eat away at your entire being. It's been three years and I'm still consumed by the image of Rue with the arrow through her small body every waking moment of my life.

He gives me a small, foreign smile and shrugs as he finishes fixing me up. I now look like I just came out of another Hunger Games and this is just another reminder of the hell all of us went through that I don't need. I try not to think about it before I begin thinking about Peeta and how we didn't exactly leave each other on the best terms.

"I know I shouldn't, but I still miss him, Haymitch… why? I shouldn't miss him. He's tried to kill me at least two dozen times since we came back."

This is when I see mixed emotions on his tired face, mostly a combination of hurt, pain, and anger. He shakes his head in what I can only assume is disappointment and stands up before he walks over to the kitchen and grabs another bottle of clear liquid. I hear him unscrew the top and drink it for awhile before he walks back over to me with the bottle in hand.

"You're right, Katniss. You shouldn't be missing him… but you do because no matter how hard you try to deny it to yourself, you love him like he used to love you, but that's the key word here! 'Used to!' He doesn't even remember all those precious nights you spent together in the Games! I was just trying to play it up to get you sponsors back then but Christ, you really are star-crossed lovers!"

I'm a bit taken aback by his outburst and become confused again. I feel my heart begin to ache and my chest tighten but I don't take my eyes off of him as I get defensive again and stand up to face him. It's my turn to look at him in disbelief for once.

"Why are you so upset about me loving him? Why does that hurt you so damn much, Haymitch? Is it because you miss loving someone other than yourself and your liquor? Is that it?! Is it because you feel guilty for murdering your girlfriend?"

The words slip off my tongue before I can stop myself and before I know it, I feel pain in my cheek and I'm laying on the floor with the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. For a few moments I'm in utter shock and I look up at him but I recover a bit. I deserved it; I know I deserved it. I shouldn't have said those things. It was a cheap shot at Haymitch, and we both know it.

"I-I'm so –" I begin to apologize but he cuts across me before I can finish.

"Damn it, Katniss! I told you that it was dangerous for you to keep living here! I told you to leave! All you do is wallow in self pity and dance around your love for the boy with the bread who will NEVER love you back!"

I let out a shaky breath and I feel something rise up inside of me. I force myself back on shaky legs but make myself look up at him as the alcohol wafts off of him and through my nostrils, making me nauseated once again.

"I was going to say that I was sorry! I know that what I said was low of me but now I'm not so sorry anymore. I might be wallowing in self-pity but at least I'm not drinking to the point of physical violence towards the only remaining people who give a shit about me!"

I swallow back a sob and then hurry to the corner of the house where my faithful bow and arrows lie against the wall and grab it. I hurry out of his warm house and back into the brisk, icy outside. It stings my face but this time I don't mind it so much. It still didn't hurt as much as Haymitch's backhand did moments earlier. I begin walking down the gravel pathway and let my feet lead me into the familiar forests where my old hunting ground used to be. I suddenly remember Haymitch's promise last night to try and build my muscle back up today. That's gone out the window, I guess. It doesn't mean that I can't try to build up my own by myself though. If I get attacked by Peeta again, I need to be able to fight back or else I might get my wish to be dead.

As I try to walk quietly and expertly in the wooded area, I feel a certain kind of calmness take over and I suddenly feel like I'm just going to run away and live here instead of going back to my old house or back to Haymitch's but then common sense takes over; I'm not strong enough to kill a large predator, nonetheless strong enough to shoot a bow. I see a few deer as I walk but don't want to chance trying to kill it if I can't shoot properly yet. Soon enough, I'm walking again but this time my feet are leading me in the direction of Peeta's bakery and I suddenly just don't care anymore. There's even a part of me that hopes Peeta will jump out and finish me off but I can't let myself think those thoughts.

Since Snow died, there had been several positive changes in the shops in the Districts. One is the guarantee of receiving food without needing to trade immediately. You would still need to return the favor but you had a good few days to do it instead of on the spot. This didn't really matter a whole lot in District 12 since only a few people lived here now but Peeta's mother still abided by the new rule, most likely in self-preservation.

I slipped inside the warm bakery out of the cold and look around almost cautiously for any sign of the boy I used to know and love. I can hear rustling in the back and then see his familiar face with his piercing blue eyes walk back out to where I am and I freeze on the spot, searching his face.

His eyes move up to the red spot on my cheek where Haymitch had slapped me earlier. At first his expression looks sympathetic but then without warning, his eyes turn cold and I'm on my guard.

"You're just the most loveable person around here, aren't you?"

I chew nervously on my lip and realize I'm extremely not welcomed here right now but my hunger and growling stomach make me more determined to stay put. "Can I please have a couple pieces of cheesy buns?"

"No, Katniss, you can't," he says coldly in a voice I don't recognize.

I anxiously play with my bread, internally telling myself to leave here and run back into the forest and live out the rest of my days there but I can't will myself to go anywhere. I need to talk to Peeta. I want to sort all of this out.

"Peeta, you have no right to be mad at me. You're the one that left me, remember? I was content with taking care of you and making sure you –"

"- Didn't do what? Kill you? Yeah, you did pretty well with that but you also had Haymitch pry me off of you too."

I'm angry that everyone keeps interrupting me, thinking that they know exactly how I'm feeling when they have no clue. "Damn it, Peeta! No! I was going to say that I was content with making sure that you didn't hurt yourself! Not everything is about me. I love you and you don't even care!"

"You don't love me, Katniss. You can't love me! No one does… I'm crazy, remember?"

I walk over to where he stands behind the corner and look at him with frustrated eyes. "I'm crazy too… and so is Haymitch, but we both love you and if you can't see that, then maybe the Capitol really did change you in a way that is irreversible. If that's true, then… I-I'll never get my Peeta back, will I?"

He's quiet for a few moments and I'm not sure what I'm expecting to hear from him. I don't know why I said that to him because he doesn't remember how anything was before the hijacking; he only knows what the Capitol brainwashed him into believing.

"What the hell do you want me to say right now, Katniss?"

I walk closer to him but still have my bow and arrows close in hand and slung over my shoulder, just in case he tries to kill me again. "You tossed me bread in the rain five years ago. Real or not real?"

"Not real," he said quickly, coldly, surely.

"No, that was real, Peeta. It was burnt and you were going to feed it to the pigs but then you saw me sitting, watching you, and you threw it near me before you went back inside the bakery so your mother wouldn't see you."

He's shaking his head and smiling a sick smile at the same time. "No, that's not real either…"

A fury grows deep down inside me and I can't control it anymore. I forcefully shove him but I forget how weak I've become and he barely moves a few inches. "No! That's real! That's all real and it _kills_ me that you can't remember that! That meant more to me my entire life than anything that's ever happened before because that was the most real thing!"

He gives me a cold glare but doesn't make any moves to hurt me yet. This is suspicious to me but my malnourished mind isn't thinking straight and waits for him to speak again.

"Nothing is real anymore, Katniss! This isn't real! You're not real! You're just the Mockingjay that tried to kill me and my entire family! You're the one that brought on the rebellion and caused this District to be set on fire!"

It's everything I can do to not place an arrow in my bow and shoot him right through the chest and I hate that a part of me doesn't even feel guilty for thinking these thoughts, and then I hear Haymitch's voice in my head.

_"He's never going to be completely normal, darling…"_

I will the words away but it stings me like a tracker jacker except this time I know I'm not hallucinating. "There is still the Peeta that I love in you somewhere! There has to be! People just don't disappear completely! You have to remember something! Let's just start over. Let's go back to our house a-and we can figure out something! We can try again!"

I know I starting to grasp at straws at this point but I'm feeling desperate. I want the same man I knew who camouflaged himself during the Games and helped me when Cato was going to kill the both of us back. I want that boy back, not this monster the Capitol transformed and placed back down in front of me.

Peeta suddenly grabbed my neck and wrapped his large hand around it before he pinned me to the wall more easily than I liked. He looked at me in a way that told me there was nothing left of the Peeta I knew before in him and I sincerely thought he was about to kill me right then and there.

"There is no 'we' or 'us'! There never was! I don't want to start over! I want you get the hell out of here and leave me alone or I swear to God, Katniss, I will kill you if I ever see you again!"

He let me go and I fell to the ground, coughing madly as I tried to let my lungs fill back up with air. I scrambled to my feet and ran out of the bakery, not wanting to second guess this threat. I ran and ran until I realized I had run into the forest again. I willed myself not to cry this time even though I knew there would be no one to see my tears. I was tired of crying and allowing myself to be weak. I was tired of feeling so damn sorry for myself.

I undid my braid and forced the strands apart so my long hair became one again and I tiredly began to set up snares around the area I decided I would came out around, knowing that Haymitch wouldn't dare set foot in here, and I was pretty well hidden from Peeta in case he decided to take a second shot at killing me again, because that never got old for him.

I made a small fire in the evening light and cooked a small rabbit over the fire I had caught about an hour earlier. I ate it with my eyes closed, relishing the warm meat as it ran down my throat eagerly, slowly filling me up. My small frame didn't need much to satisfy me anymore. Once I had finished everything of the rabbit except for the bones, I put my fire out and then laid on the forest bed of leaves before curling into myself and quickly falling asleep.

_"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME! YOU KILLED MY FAMILY! THE CAPITOL WANTS YOU!"_

_ "Be careful; The Hunger Games may be over but he's still playing, whether he knows it or not."_

Peeta and Haymitch's words both swam in my dreams that night and when I woke up the next morning, I felt almost numb. I looked around, trying to take in my surroundings again and remember where I was.

Maybe Haymitch was right; maybe Peeta really was still playing the Games, trying to end my life so he could feel some sick sense of closure again. Wait, what am I thinking? Of course he's right, he's always right. He was right about what I needed to do in the first Games, and then about Peeta never being completely normal again. Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe there was nothing left of the old Peeta anymore. The Capitol and Snow had succeeded in somehow erasing all the progress we had made with him last year, even if they didn't know it.

I rubbed my eyes and then stood up, grabbing my hunting gear with me as I decided to descend out of the forest and head back into my District that was in ruins, along with its people. I didn't want to be alone, no matter how bad Haymitch was.

I realized then that no matter how much Haymitch drank or how hard he hit me, there was a part of me that would love him. I knew this felt wrong, and how sick it almost seemed. From the outside, it was almost like I had such severe daddy issues that I needed to be with a man who was, in fact, old enough to be my father; however, from where I stood, Haymitch was the only person who believed in me so much that it hurt him when I failed or disappointed him, and it was hurting him to see me still pining over Peeta, and trying so hard to get him back. It was emotionally killing Haymitch to see me not returning the affection or care he had been giving to me.

These thoughts raced inside me as I began to walk faster to his house. There was a fire lit up inside me in realization just how I was feeling, or maybe even always felt about this tortured man. When I made it finally to his house, I hesitantly knocked on the door, thinking I was probably the last person in the world that he wanted to see, but the door opened only seconds later.

I looked up at him and noticed his grey eyes go to my neck where Peeta had choked me and then felt Haymitch place his hand on my cheek gingerly and then suddenly take it off as if I had burned him.

"I'm… I'm really sorry, sweetheart," he nearly whispered to me. I looked up at him and saw his conflicted facial expression and knew that he was genuinely sorry in that moment.

"I know, it's fine, Haymitch… really," I insisted, taking a soft sigh of relief. "I'm okay. A-Are you still drinking?"

He glanced behind him and then looked down at me with guilt-ridden eyes and I knew I had received my answer, but I honestly didn't care right now. The alcohol didn't matter to me at this moment.

"Can I come in?"

"Oh, yeah.. Of course you can. Come in out of the cold," he said in a soft, gentle voice that seemed completely opposite of how he was talking earlier.

I walked inside, instantly grateful that he didn't fight me on my saying I was fine. I knew I shouldn't be comparing him and Peeta but I couldn't help thinking how Peeta wouldn't have given up questioning me. Haymitch knew me, and he knew how strong I was. He knew the strength I was capable of, and the strength I contained inside me. He knew that even if I wasn't fine, I would be eventually. That's another thing I realized I loved about Haymitch; he didn't push.

I turned around to look at him when he closed the door and suddenly leaned in and kissed his rough cheek, lingering there for awhile. He tensed up and made a sigh that fell somewhere between a hiss and a sigh. I pulled away and looked up at him, searching his eyes.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded, needing to know what was going on inside his head.

"Katniss, you're only seventeen. This isn't right… there are laws against this sort of thing. You can't feel anything for me that isn't between a mentor and a fellow Victor. This is just… it's wrong."

I felt a pang of hurt in my heart but I felt like he didn't really believe this so much, or at least not as much as he should have. He was just trying to make excuses for why I shouldn't be with him.

I gently placed my hands on his muscular chest lightly but looked down at our feet, wishing that he hadn't said that. "Do you really believe that, Haymitch? I know you feel the same thing for me as I feel for you… I can see it in your eyes," I catch myself whispering now.

A few minutes of uncomfortable silence passes between us until he places his hands over mine and holds them. I force myself to look up curiously at him, needing an answer.

"Of course I feel something for you, Katniss. How can I not? You're strong-willed, stubborn as hell, and you're smart. You're tough-skinned and you're an amazing woman, but…" I watched him trail off and then look around cautiously, as if he was being watched but I sensed it was paranoia just kicking in.

"But I'm too young?" I finish, knowingly.

He runs his hands through his blond hair and he's looking a lot older than he is. "It might be okay if you were eighteen but… you're still a minor, and there are laws. Believe me, sweetheart, my love for you goes deeper than just as a mentor."

"Then who cares? Can you just… not care about stupid laws and be with me? I'm not a child, you know that I've been through a lot and you have too!"

He appeared to have difficulty coming up with an argument and he looked like he was trying to fight against me but try and keep reason intact into this conversation as well.

"That shouldn't matter. What we've been through… it's been really tough, but being together isn't going to change what happened to your sister, or Peeta, or my girlfriend, or my family. Why do you want to be with me so badly? Are you really that self-destructive?"

For the first time since I can't remember when, I manage to smile a bit and a soft chuckle even escapes my mouth. The fact that we're both damaged and war-ridden on top of being tossed around in the annual Hunger Games are the strongest bonds we could possible manage to have and he can't see that it's those things, and the strength we both have deep down to keep living and keep loving that bring us together.

"I thought you didn't want to be alone, Haymitch?" I ask him gently, searching his eyes that have a small light of hope in them.

He laughs a hearty laugh that I haven't heard from him in too long and then suddenly places his hands back on my cheeks gently and cups my face before he leans in and presses his lips to mine tenderly. I smile in the embrace and kiss him back, wrapping my own arms around his waist and when we both pull away, I see his own smile plastered on his face.

It's when I see his grin that I know that this could work out for us. Seeing him happy makes me happy as well and it's in this small fact that I can see us being complete and happy together.


	4. Drown Me Out At Sea

Chapter Four: Drown Me Out At Sea

. . .

I gasp and cry out just as I watch Prim's body explode into a million little fragments but at that exact moment, I somehow force my eyes open and look around, trying to become familiar with my surroundings. The first thing I notice is that Haymitch is not in the same room as me; he must have not been ready to share a bedroom yet because I'm lying on his couch in front of the furnace.

I shiver involuntarily and try to stop the tears that have already started running down my face. I push them away but fear is what has filled up my entire being and this time, I can't manage to calm myself. My chest feels tight and heavy and I feel like I can't catch my breath.

What the hell is happening? Why can't I breathe? I've had panic attacks before but not like this. I feel like my heart is racing so fast that it's going to suddenly burst inside my chest cavity and that's when I see Haymitch walk inside, take one look at me and then rush to my side.

"I-I….I can't b-breathe," I gasp out fearfully, searching his face for reassurance.

He places his ice cold palms on my face and holds it in a way that I'm forced to look into his eyes. "Katniss, listen to me, sweetheart. You're just having another panic attack. It's the stress from Peeta and everything else you've pent up inside of you. You need to try and calm down, okay?"

I nod all too quickly but I honestly haven't heard anything he just said to me. I feel lightheaded and I've started hyperventilating. His fingers begin to gently caress my cheeks lovingly and I feel something inside me begin to relax, but I'm not sure what it is.

"Do both of us a favor, take a deep breath through your nose and slowly exhale it through your mouth. You need to catch your breath or you're going to pass out. In through your nose, out through your mouth, like this…" Haymitch demonstrates unnecessarily for me but I don't try to stop him.

I do as he does, once… twice…. and after the third time, oxygen finally starts to reach my lungs again. I do it once more but I still feel dizzy. I chalk it up to my severe panic attack but I know it could also be from lack of nutrients as well. It could be a number of things but I try to force myself not to think about that.

"Good, good job, sweetheart," he said, smirking slightly before he runs his hand over my damp, sweat matted hair. "Stay here, I'll get you some water."

He stands up and his gentleness leaves me. I look over at him as he fumbles for a glass in the kitchen. "You don't have anything stronger?" I only half joke but I put on a playful smile.

He chuckles and it echoes off the walls and he doesn't answer me until he fills the glass with water and brings it over to me, sitting down in the old, overlarge armchair. "I know we're alike in a lot of ways but being an alcoholic is one trait I don't want to share with you, darling."

I smile weakly and nod understandingly although inside I'm thinking how hypocrite it is of him to say this. "Well, what if I don't want you to be an alcoholic anymore? Or does my opinion not matter to you?"

He narrows his eyes playfully and shakes his head. "Of course it does, but…" He bites his lip and I can see that he's trying to say the next part in the best, most careful way he can without starting a fight. "But it's too late for me, and… I don't have any ambition to stop drinking. I appreciate your concern though."

The way he finishes signals that he's done talking about this with me; I don't have the energy or fight in me to argue with him so I let it go. We both sit in silence for several moments as I drink my water and my mind trails back to Peeta.

The sadness creeps up on me as I imagine how he was like before he was hijacked. I'm remembering the boy with the bread again, and how he felt guilty in the cave, telling me how he should've came out in the rain and handed it to me. I found myself wondering how often that thought had tortured him for and then I imagine him trying to kill me again. Suddenly, any feelings of love I have for him momentarily disappear. When I look up again, I see Haymitch giving me a grim look.

"It's not a turn on for me if I know you're thinking about him, you know," he taunts me but hurt is laced in his voice.

"I know, I-I'm sorry… it's just, he's alone, friend-wise. Without you or me, he's hurting and I feel like we need to do something."

Guilt begins eating away at my inside, feeling guilty for abandoning Peeta and feeling guilty for thinking of him while I'm with Haymitch. He gives me a somewhat disapproving look and then sighs heavily.

"We don't need to do anything, Katniss. We just need to… be together. You know that if something happens, I'm still going to help the guy! I still mentored him, along with you. If he's smart, he'll come here and ask for help."

"And if he's not?" I challenge him, an edge in my voice.

He runs a frustrated hand through his hair again. "Then maybe we'll find him strung up by his belt!"

Hearing him say this makes my blood freeze and there's a chill in the hair as I let out a hesitated breath. I swallow hard and look down at my glass as anger begins to fill me up but I try to control it this time.

"That's not fair. You shouldn't have said that, Haymitch," I look up at him with equally frustrated eyes. "You know we're all still suffering."

The chill between us makes both of us quiet again and I fear this is how our relationship is going to go: a good period between us for awhile, saying offensive and hurtful things to the other, and then making up.

"You're right, Katniss. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said that, but you have to understand what you just said; we're all suffering, not just Peeta! He's in bad shape but look at us! You're either having panic attacks, night terrors, or almost being killed by him, and I'm in a wasteland of alcohol and bad memories that I want to forget. He's not alone in this and I know that you can't stand being selfish but I think it's about time you are! You need to think about yourself for once in your life!"

I'm ready with a weak comeback but he slams the front door before the words come out of my mouth. I'm alone again and the coldness engulfs me. I thought I was being pretty selfish since we came home, wallowing in my own misery and depression but I suppose somehow, I had also been able to take care of Peeta through it all. Maybe I haven't been as selfish as I thought.

Unsure what Haymitch really wanted me to do, I forced myself to stand up and walked into his bathroom and got undressed. It was at least twice the size of the one me and Peeta had shared and it was similar to Capitol designs, which I could only assume it was because of Haymitch being a mentor along with an ex-Victor.

I washed my greasy, sweaty hair with his shampoo and washed myself up and then threw on clean clothes. Once I did this, I felt a renewed sense of energy and decided to make myself useful while I lived here with him; I grabbed my bow and arrows and then began to wander out past the District 12 boundary line where I used to hunt with Gale.

_Gale._

What was he doing now? Was he still in District 2 feeling guilty over Prim's death? I had been so wrapped up in Peeta that I almost completely forgot about my long time friend. I temporarily forced myself to stop thinking about him before I ran headlong into another full blown panic attack, out here, where no one would be able to calm me.

I focused my thoughts on hunting and gritted my teeth as I slowly pulled back the string on my bow when I saw a squirrel peer out from behind a tree. I silently moved closer and let go of the string, watching it hit the squirrel in its midsection. I smiled proudly even though there was no one around. It hadn't hit its eye, but the important thing was that I had hit it at all. I hunted for another hour before the cold finally got to me and I carried a second squirrel along with the first one back home to Haymitch's.

When I get back to his house, he's still not back and I begin contemplating everything imaginable that could've happened to him. I know it's partially my fault that he got angry but I really couldn't believe he had suggested Peeta hanging himself like that. I was still a bit miffed he had even said that. I occupy my mind with the monotonous chore of cutting the meat off the squirrels and sticking them in the stew I was making, along with some vegetables Haymitch happened to have lying around. A half hour goes by and I help myself to a bowl of the hot stew I made, my stomach rumbling as the smell finds its way into my nostrils. A glance at the clock indicates that he's been gone almost four hours and at this point, my love for him takes over and seriously thinks about going out to look for him until I hear the door slam close.

He half stumbles into the kitchen with an unreadable expression on his face. From the look in his Seam eyes, though, I guess it's filled with worry, apology, and tiredness.

A part of, the part that's still miffed at him, remains seating and my eyes look down at my stew. Haymitch sort of hovers over me and he sighs, glancing at the stew and back at me.

"You went hunting?" He asks, his voice sounding slightly proud and impressed.

I shrug and bit my lip before forcing myself to look up at him. "Where did you go? I was worried about you, Haymitch," I reply. Silence again and I can tell he's hiding something from me, something bad that I might not want to hear. Fear fills me up now and I stand up before walking over to him, my anger vanishing. "What happened?" I ask more forcefully now.

He rubs his beard as he looks like he's trying to find a nice way to say what he wants to say again. I go over the million possibilities that I could think of in my head but none of them really make sense.

"Peeta left District 12, Katniss."

For the longest time I can't fathom this possibility because it wasn't one of the ones I had in my head. I'm speechless, trying to figure out 'how' or 'why' but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is "What?"

He anxiously rubs the back of his neck and then finally throws his arms up in the air in defeat. "Your words got to me and I decided to go around to check on Peeta and his mother told me he split. He grabbed some clothes and some bread and he just… left. I don't know what else to tell you, sweetheart."

I try to wrap my mind around this and I have to sit down again before my legs feel like they might give out. Haymitch fills a bowl up with soup and sits down to me at the table before beginning to devour the stew as if he hasn't had a hot meal that he had to pay for. I suddenly don't feel hungry because there are so many unanswered questions that I need to know. I turn to the side in my seat and move closer to him.

"Why would he leave?" I ask softly and ignore the fact I already know what Haymitch is going to tell me.

He takes a bite into one of the rolls he must have bought at the bakery when he had gone to talk to Peeta. "He probably figured that it hurt him too much being here, around us. His mother figured that he was sick of trying to kill you all the time."

I look down at my hands, wondering if there was any truth to that. Peeta seemed perfectly content with trying to end my life that didn't seem possible there was a tiny part of him that wanted me to live, a part that maybe wanted to get better after all. I feel Haymitch's free hand on my back and I relax a bit at his soft touch.

"So it's just us living here now, and Peeta's mom?"

"Yep, just us three, kiddo," he leans in and kisses my temple comfortingly. "Does that bother you, that it's just us left here?"

I think about it and shake my head no, because it doesn't. I don't even think that Peeta abandoned me anymore because I'm almost relieved that he's gone. It means I don't have to watch my back as much anymore but I also begin to wonder where he went and if the Capitol took him again, or if he's walking on foot. I lean into him, feeling a bit numb still but I force myself to toughen up and gently pull away from him so I'm sitting upright again. I hear Haymitch clear his throat after silence takes the room again.

"Good stew, sweetheart," he tries to break the tension. "Squirrel is alright but I'm hoping we can get your strength up back to where it was before. I wouldn't mind some venison once in awhile," he winks at me.

I smile and nod in agreement. It's easier to shoot deer than squirrels but I don't have the strength right now to carry a deer back here from the forest alone. He's right; I do need to get my strength back up but now with Peeta gone, I'm not in a big rush anymore. I eat my soup again and when we're both done, I make us a cup of mint tea and go into the living room.

I'm leaning into his muscular body and breathe in the Seam, alcohol, and winter on his clothes. He wraps his arm around me and we enjoy each others' presence for almost two hours as we sip our tea slowly, grateful we have the other. When we finish, he reaches for my face and begins to kiss my lips gently. It feels like it's been so long since he actually showed his affection for me even though it's only been a day and I instantly feel greedy, vying for his deep kisses again.

I swing my leg slowly over him so I'm straddling his lap as we make out and his hands move to my hips but seem to hold me in place. When I finally pull back for air, I feel my body reacting to our passion and absentmindedly start to unbutton his pants. This time he stops me and gently grabs my wrists, but firmly.

"Hey, what are you doing, Katniss…? Why don't we just take things slow, alright?"

I'm embarrassed because I'm breathing heavy in anticipation but get a grip on myself and search his face. "I-Is this about the age thing? Because I told you, I don't care about that and you shouldn't either. It's only six more months…"

Haymitch smiles sadly and his eyes reflect the same sadness in them. He reaches up and gently thumbs my cheek lovingly. "I know. It's not about the age thing anymore, love."

I'm confused for several moments and feeling almost offended at him stopping me from going further. "Then what is it?"

He kisses my lips and lingers there for awhile before he picks me up easily and sets me down beside him. "I'm sorry, Katniss. I just… I haven't done this in awhile, since my other girlfriend…"

I don't realize what he's saying right away and laugh lightly. "So you're afraid you're out of practice?"

He tongues his cheek and there's a look on his face that almost looks angry. I bite my lip now, afraid he might get upset and storm out again but he stays put this time. I get serious again and give him an apologetic look.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm sorry I made that crack but… I'm dense; I'm just not understanding what's wrong, so please tell me?"

Haymitch leans forward and puts his face in his hands before he rests his chin on his knuckles. He looks conflicted and torn and I wish more than anything that I could see all the thoughts that are going on in his head.

"You wouldn't understand, Katniss."

I sit back on my legs and look at him, feeling almost hurt and stupid because I'm not grasping what he's trying to tell me. "Then explain it. Explain why we can't do anything if it's not because of the age difference," I demand. "I love you…please tell me."

"I love you too, Katniss," he said quietly. He suddenly stood up and began to pace, shaking his head in disbelief but at what? "You know what; this shouldn't be so damn hard! Why can't I let myself enjoy being with you? I should be over this! It's been years!"

I flinched as he turned over the small wooden coffee table that had our tea cups on it. I rattled my brain to try to figure out what the hell he was talking about and then, I suddenly remembered.

The Second Quarter Quell. He had talked about his girlfriend and family days earlier, so why did I only connect the two now? He had told me how Snow had killed them when he had figured out the force field. I put two and two together and realized he was still hung up on his girlfriend, the one he had unintentionally gotten killed. It had been his punishment.

I stood up and walked over to him slowly. "Haymitch, it's okay. It's normal to miss her still… I know what's it's like to miss people, you know that better than anyone. I miss people I loved."

He turned on me sharply and pointed his finger in my face. "Except one of those people are still alive!"

Ouch. That hurt me more than it probably should have. I didn't want to shoot back that the person I loved was a murdering psychopath now. I could see the anger and frustration in his eyes and knew that comebacks were the last thing he needed. I moved closer to him and forcefully grabbed his arm to get him to stop pacing.

He turned and I looked at him, tears streaming down his cheeks, desperation in his eyes before a sudden epiphany. He ripped his arm out of my grip and hurried into the kitchen before he reached under the sink and pulled out a bottle. He came back in and plopped himself down on the couch before he opened the bottle and began to chug it.

"Is that your solution to everything, Haymitch? To drink? Do you think that getting drunk is going to fix the past?" I asked furiously, trying to grab the bottle out of his hands.

He pulled it away in time and then took another long pull from it before he swallowed hard and closed his eyes and turned away from me. He fell silent and this just infuriated me even more.

"Answer me!" I yelled at him.

"NO! It won't change anything but it'll make me forget about her long enough to be with you right now!" He took another drink of the whiskey and then looked at me with bleary eyes. "You want to make out now, sweetheart? I'm ready now!"

His tone was half sarcastic, half angry still. And yet, a part of me felt jealous that he could act this way and I wasn't allowed to. I was sick of everything; sick of his hesitation with everything, sick of his hypocrisy, sick of being in one-sided relationships, sick of Haymitch's drinking problem. I glared at him, feeling my own brand of anger and rage and grabbed the bottle out of his hands before storming towards what was now our respective bedroom.

"Hey! Get back here right now! Katniss!"

I heard him walk up behind me and I spun on my heel and turned around, keeping the bottle away from him. "I can play this pity game too, Haymitch! What was that speech you made to me this morning about how we're all suffering?! Well guess what, this is me being selfish now because I'm sick of dealing with you and your shit!"

I stormed into the room, slammed the door and locked it, the bottle still in my hand. I crawled under the heavy covers of the bed and half sat up as I unscrewed the lid again and let the alcohol burn my throat. I didn't stop drinking it until my head felt cloudy and my eyelids felt heavy, and I finally set the bottle down on the floor and closed my eyes.

I felt like every feeling I've ever felt just exploded out and I couldn't stop it. I didn't cry but the spitefulness and resentment I felt towards Haymitch had unleashed itself. I loved him but this was appearing to be a match made in hell with us. At any given time, it seemed like we were yelling at the other person and our past crept up and slapped the other in the face. I didn't know what else to do. Logic told me I needed to comfort him in his own pain, but I felt like I was sick of drowning in my thoughts and waking up from night terrors about Prim and Peeta and Finnick. I had an epiphany of my own; I realized why Haymitch drank so much.

He drank to forget about the demons of his past, the people he murdered, intentionally or unintentionally. If he could do it, I could too. I convinced myself that I had this right just as much as he did.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. _

_My boyfriend is Haymitch Abernathy._

_We still live in this rotting shithole known as District 12._

_We're lost out to sea with nothing to keep us afloat, and we're both at each other's throats when we should be saving each other. _

_We're most likely going to end up drowning the other._

_The Capitol will win again._


	5. Like a Magnet to Steel

Chapter Five: Like A Magnet to Steel

. . .

For the first time in too long, I have a dreamless sleep. No images of Prim being blown to bits or of Finnick being decapitated. No images of anyone but it came with a price; my head is throbbing and I feel slightly nauseous but I suddenly remember last night and I just want to go back to my utopian wonderland. Sadness crushes me and begins to drown me again and I realize it's going to be a particularly rough day. I remain under the covers before forcing myself to go back to sleep.

I was about to dive in front of her, in front of poor Prim, when a familiar voice jolts me out my nightmares.

"Katniss! Wake up! Open the door!"

The voice sounds panicked and I realize why almost instantly. My arms are bleeding and scratched to hell; I must have been screaming my head off. Wet tears make trails down my face and my hair is matted with sweat. Haymitch is turning the knob frantically and pounding on the door, which only increases the hangover I still have.

"Stop it… please… stop making loud noises," I beg weakly, with a pitch of annoyance in my tone.

He must have heard me, however faintly, because he's stopped pounding his fist on the door and is only yelling now.

"Katniss… are you okay in there, sweetheart?" He asks me on the other side of the door.

I hate that it's only now that he gives a damn about me but inside somewhere, I know that I should've been more responsive and understanding about his feelings too. I consider my hangover karma.

I look down at my arms and watch several small trails of blood run down out of my scratches. "I-I'm fine, Haymitch."

He's quiet for several moments and then I swear I can hear his breathing as I near the door to see if his footsteps move, but they don't.

"Please let me in. I was… I was stupid last night. I know why you're upset. Stop shutting me out, Katniss."

His voice seemed pleading and a part of me almost felt bad for yelling at him and being selfish. I sigh and reluctantly unlock the door before slowly opening it. Before he comes inside, I quickly, maybe too quickly, hide my arms behind my back.

He searches my identical Seam eyes with his own before he moves my hair off my face and then I feel his hand on my left arm. I flinch at the pain it inflicts and then try to fight him away from them.

"Come on. Show me your arms… please."

I swallow hard and finally let him take my arms and examine the scratches all over them. He walks me into the elaborate bathroom and makes me sit down on the closed toilet seat. He's silently searching for gauze and antiseptic ointment so I don't end up giving myself an infection with my dirty nails. We're both quiet for a long time until the silence becomes deafening.

"Say it," I finally whisper.

He looks at me as he sets the gauze and ointment on the sink before placing a couple aspirin on there too. "Say what, sweetheart?"

A part of me is grateful that his term of endearment doesn't come out all lovey and sweet. It's always a cross of sarcasm and mockery but I wouldn't want it any other way. "Tell me I was selfish last night. Tell me that I deserve the nightmares. I should've been more sympathetic to you."

A small smirk reaches his tired face and he shakes his head. He grabs a nearby glass that rested on the sink from what I can only assume has been post morning afters and he fills it with water before handing it to me with one hand with the pills in the other.

"Take these… and strip off your clothes."

I take the aspirin and water but I almost choke on them when I hear the second part of what he said. I quickly swallow the aspirin and look up at him. "Are you sure that's what you want?" I smirk playfully, realizing that he just wants me to shower.

He laughs softly and shakes his head before he turns serious again but his smile doesn't fade. "I'll put your bandages on afterwards in the kitchen so bring them out after you get changed."

I nod in understanding and watch him disappear out of his bathroom and I have to fight myself to not beg him to come back. The sadness hits me again as I remember how he felt last night. He couldn't even kiss me with the ghosts of his past lingering over him like a storm cloud. I can't say that I blame him, though, as my own ghosts are still ripping me apart almost every day.

I take off my clothes and jump into his shower, feeling my blood begin to warm up again as the hot water cascades down my thinning body. After I finish and slip into some pants and a t-shirt, I grab the white gauze and antiseptic ointment and walk out into the kitchen where I see Haymitch has placed a mug of tea in front of one of the seats at the table. I look at him and for some reason I can't place or understand, I feel like I just want to die. The depression still must be lingering because soon enough, I feel tears creep into the corners of my eyes and fall.

I wipe them away quickly but I see Haymitch stand up quickly and almost cautiously walk over to me before he wraps his strong arms around my small body. At first I don't hug him back because I feel embarrassed to be crying in front of him again and the feeling of déjà vu is so strong that I can't stand it. I breathe him in and swallow back a sob that was forming in the back of my throat.

"It's okay to cry, Katniss. I know that you're feeling just as awful as I am. I don't think less of you for it; I know how strong you are inside but even us strong people break down sometimes."

I nod against him and take a couple shaky breaths before I force myself out of his embrace. "I'm f-fine… really. Just… do my bandages, please?" I ask weakly.

He pulls out the chair where the tea sits and motions for me to sit down. Once I do, I feel his warm fingers gingerly take my arm and begin to rub the ointment gently on my self-inflicted wounds. They don't look as bad as they did earlier but they still look like I got into a fight with a nettle bush.

"What were you dreaming about earlier, when you did this to yourself?"

I take a sip of my tea to delay me from having to answer. "Prim… I-I dreamt about the box exploding in her f-face again," I said quietly but forced myself to smile pathetically, still feeling stupid for my tears.

He began to wrap the gauze around the cuts on my left arm first, silent for a few minutes. I took another sip of the hot tea and let it warm my insides, enjoying the silence until he finally spoke again.

"You have to stop feeling guilty about your sister. That wasn't your fault. The Capitol killed a lot of children that day…"

I swallow this like a bitter pill and I could argue this with him. Instead, I offer my own bitter pill for him. "Just like how Snow killing your girlfriend wasn't your fault?"

This makes Haymitch pause and look away, biting his lip before looking back at me with frustrated eyes. I really need to know when to shut up.

"Damn it, that really was my fault though. We've been through this so many times, I don't know if I can go through it one more time," he replies almost coldly before he begins to bandage me up again. "Snow's killed people we both love and I don't want to say that it's okay for me to feel the guilt and not you, but it's true. I'm the one that should feel guilty and you're not allowed to."

I felt a pang of hurt wash over me when he said this and jealous reared its ugly head once again. "Why? Why am I not allowed to feel guilty but you are? That's not fair."

He finished bandaging my left arm and then looked at me. "Wake up, sweetheart! Life's not fair. The Hunger Games should be proof enough of that for you. You're not allowed to feel the guilt because you're still young! You have your whole life ahead of you! I'm an old victor! I'm part of the rebellion like you were. I'm allowed to feel guilty because my family and my girlfriend were all killed and that was my fault. If I hadn't thrown that axe at the force field, they might still be alive!"

I want to yell and scream at him again but I don't have the energy to as the hurt I'm feeling coincides with the depression that is in my bones. "And... you might still be with her instead of me," I whisper hopelessly, looking down at the floor that separates us.

He sighs a heavy sigh and then gently takes my face in his hands, cupping it so I'm forced to look at him. "Listen, Katniss. I didn't have the same relationship with her as you did with Peeta. You loved him like I loved her, and unlike Peeta, she loved me back. We had a real relationship together, okay? Can you understand that?" He asked me softly, his voice no longer cold.

His gentleness brings me back down to Earth and I feel stupid for not having thought about that before. I'm almost in shock, in disbelief at my own stupid self. Of course they had the perfect relationship. I had the same with Peeta before the Capitol hijacked him. He wasn't mentally able to love me back as much as I loved him, but Haymitch hadn't been hijacked, nor his girlfriend. It makes sense that they would love each other unconditionally and wholeheartedly; they had something me and Peeta hadn't. Why hadn't I been able to grasp that before? But then there was still that tinge of jealousy I was feeling. Haymitch will never love me like that. He'll always be strung up on his dead girlfriend.

"Y-Yeah… I understand," I swallowed hard, fighting back more tears. I held out my other arm so he could bandage that one up as well.

He eyed me carefully, as if I was suddenly going to lash out and tear his face apart at any second. The depression within me increased with every minute that went past in silence, but suddenly, I didn't feel like talking. I wanted so much what Haymitch had had with her. I wanted him to love me like that.

"What's on your mind? Care to share?"

I shrugged and shook my head as I watched him put the ointment on my right arm and wrap the gauze around it, from forearm to wrist. I really didn't want to talk right now. I just wanted to grab another bottle from his stash and drown myself in it until I blacked out again but I knew that Haymitch wouldn't let me this time.

"Come on, sweetheart. Talk to me."

"I have nothing to say," I lied.

"You always have something to say," he half joked. "This doesn't change anything between us. I still love you and I'd do anything for you."

I finally looked up at him; he seemed to be able to have read my mind. I didn't know if I hated him or loved him for that. "I love you too," I smile at him weakly.

He smiles back and then leans in and kisses my forehead before kissing my lips deeply. I feel myself become weak and I succumb to him, kissing him just as passionately back. We do this for awhile before he we rest our foreheads gently against each others'. I feel my cheeks turn warm and I hate that I can't ever stay mad at him for long. I love him too much to hold any grudge against him. We're shaken out of our moment when we hear a knock on his door. I just about jump out of my skin and stand up all too quickly, most likely one of the symptoms of paranoia from past events. He gently places his hand on my cheek reassuringly before he walks over to the door and opens it.

I just about feel my jaw drop when I see Peeta standing in the doorway. I don't know how to feel for the longest time. Yesterday he up and left and now he's back. I don't move from my place in the kitchen in case he has another rage attack and tries to kill me. Haymitch must have the same idea because he places his arm across the threshold of the living room, blocking Peeta from coming inside.

"Peeta, I thought you left us… did you forget something?"

I see him look a bit nervously at Haymitch and glance in my direction. Oh god. I know that look too well. I feel a sickening feeling in my stomach but it's not from the alcohol from last night or the tea from this morning.

"Can I come inside? Please?"

"No," Haymitch says instantly, his arm still against the door. I can sense his need to protect me has kicked into overdrive. "What is it exactly that you came back for?"

I know I shouldn't be too cocky but I feel my blood run cold when I already know the answer to this.

"Katniss. I just… I need to talk to her, Haymitch! Let me in!"

I bit my lip and then force myself to walk towards the door but stand a good few feet away still, just in case the robots in Peeta's head kick in.

"No, Peeta. I'm sorry but you've lost your right to talk to her after your never ending attempts to try and kill her. You seem to be doing well for yourself. You must have some kind of plan for yourself, not even stopping by to say goodbye?"

Now Haymitch's protection is bordering on overkill and I know I need to intervene as much as I don't want to. "Let him in, Haymitch. I'd like to talk to him too."

Giving him the OK seems to work because Haymitch moves aside and gives me a disapproving look but then goes to hide himself in the bedroom to give Peeta and I some privacy. I feel a bit uneasy as Peeta walks over to me but he seems to keep his distance as well. His eyes are soft now and I see a part of the old Peeta again. I let myself walk a bit closer to him.

"Why did you leave?" I ask first before he can open his mouth, needing to know the answer more than anything. "Why did… why did you abandon me?"

He hesitates and seems frustrated at the same time. "I left because… I hate myself. I hate that I keep trying to… t-to hurt you, Katniss."

I absentmindedly played with my fingers. "Then why did you come back?"

He ran his hands through his hair and then moved closer to me. "I came back because I want to try again with you. I want us to… to be a couple again. I know I love you, I love you deep down inside. I just… my memories are all screwed up, Katniss! I have fake memories that I can't remember and the real ones come and go and… I don't know what's real and what isn't! I just know that I want to make things work between us. I want to love you the way you love me!"

Damn it. What are the odds of Peeta talking about something that Haymitch and I were just talking about moments ago? The odds were definitely not in my favor today. I forced back the tears that were beginning to prickle my eyes again, determined not to cry this time. I was so sick of crying all the time. I felt angry and sad and guilty all at once. Did I still love him at all? I did before he left yesterday but I also love Haymitch. It was wrong to love two guys at the same time though, right? District 12 never exactly had a health class and school hadn't ever discussed the red tape of relationships and love. They mostly just encouraged experience.

I didn't know how to feel even though a million different emotions were crashing into each other all at once. What was the right one? I still felt something for Peeta… and I know that it was love, but I didn't know what to do. How do I tell him that I love Haymitch? I could already picture his reaction and as a precautionary measure I took a few steps backwards.

"What's wrong, Katniss? You still love me, right? You've had faith in me this whole time! Are you giving up on me? Answer me!" Peeta demanded.

I couldn't, though. I tried to find the words but they escaped me. I took a deep breath and looked at him. "You… gave up on me, Peeta…" I finally manage to blurt out but there's still a tone of confusion in my voice.

"What? I didn't give up on you! I was giving up on myself, Katniss! I left for your sake! I left so you'd be safe from me."

I ran a hand through my still damp hair and looked around, wishing Haymitch would throw him back outside, but it didn't happen. "If you thought that leaving me would keep me safe then why did you come back if you cared so much about my safety?"

He opened his mouth but didn't have an answer. Inside, I could feel my heart breaking. What was I supposed to do? What the hell was I supposed to be feeling? I couldn't feel anything! I felt dead inside. Numb. Peeta felt like a stranger.

"I came back because I want to try and change. I want to change for _you_. If the Capitol can hijack me, we can figure out a way to reverse it, right? We can do the Real or Not Real game!"

I felt sick again and all I could do was shake my head. "I-I can't do that, Peeta. I can't play that game every morning, afternoon and night with you… and I can't keep stepping on eggshells around you. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of having nightmares every night and then waking up to you trying to kill me," I said weakly, needing to say how I thought I felt in my heart. "I'm sorry but… I don't think we can play House again. I don't have the energy or the sanity to do that anymore."

He looked dumbfounded, as if he hadn't ever expected this answer from me. It was now that I could hear Haymitch walking around our area and I knew that he had planned that but I couldn't help but feeling a bit thankful.

"Are you serious, Katniss? That's it, you don't even want to try?"

"I already tried, Peeta. I-I tried really hard. I just… I can't do it, I'm sorry…"

Anger formed in Peeta's eyes and turned into rage. He stormed towards me and I took a few giant steps back, somehow, me doing this made him stop and I could see Haymitch out of the corner of my eye.

"How can you even look at yourself, Katniss? I came back for you! Not for my mother, not for anyone else! You!"

"Then I guess you came back for the wrong reasons, Peeta." I didn't know what else to say. I hated myself for still feeling any attraction to him still and I felt guilt eating away at me for it.

"I guess I did. Well, I can't leave for two more days because the next train doesn't leave until then, so… I guess you're stuck with me until then."

I searched his eyes, unable to believe what I was hearing. Train. "You're going to live at the Capitol? You can't be serious!"

"At least they'll have me if you won't!"

I laughed in disbelief and shook my head. "Of course they'll have you! They'll want you there so they can keep experimenting on you! How do you feel, Peeta? You're going to be the guinea pig for more Hunger Games! You'll get to kill countless numbers of innocent children!"

I felt so angry and betrayed by him that I didn't even know what words were coming out of my mouth until it was too late. He was reversing everything that I had tried so hard to demolish. He was singlehandedly undoing all my efforts. There were still a few dozen Capitol people left. Time only knew how long until one of them put themselves in charge and made another obstacle to put in another Hunger Games.

He seemed to go into stunned silence for a bit before a sick smile appeared on his face. He glanced over to Haymitch and then back at me. "Why are you living with Haymitch? What was wrong with living at our old place?"

"What do you think was wrong with it? There are too many memories there! Too many memories of you and us and reminders of the old Peeta that I loved! I fell apart and he brought me to live here with him…"

He laughed coldly and shook his head. "Of course he did! Of course! You were always his favorite tribute!"

My stomach churned and I felt sick again. He was suggesting what was true. I glanced over at Haymitch for help now, just wanting Peeta to go away. Haymitch took the cue and walked over to us but stood in front of me.

"Peeta, why don't you go back to the bakery? It might be a good idea if you just stayed there until your train comes in."

Haymitch started to gently force Peeta back towards the front door and he didn't make any attempts to stop him from doing so.

"You're sick, Haymitch. You're sick! What you're doing with her is sick! You're taking advantage of her!" Peeta nearly screamed relentlessly as he made it to the door.

"I'm not doing anything with her, Peeta. Just run on home to your mother; I'm sure she needs your help with something," Haymitch said in a slightly casually mocking tone right before he shoved Peeta out of his house and onto the snow covered ground. He shut the door and then turned back to me.

"Are we not going to tell him about us then?" I asked softly.

He searched my eyes and then sighed, running his hands through his blonde hair before looking at me again. "We will, we'll have to eventually. Just… give him time to cool off, and maybe a few more months until you're actually legal. Okay, sweetheart?"

"Why's that so important to you, for it to be legal? It's only November, we still have several more months and it's not like there's any Peacekeepers anymore around here. In case you've forgotten, it's just us here…"

He kissed my wet hair and then gently tugged on one of the strands affectionately. "Please, Katniss? Please just… let me win this one argument with you. I know when your birthday is, but this is just important to me, okay? I love you and I don't want to feel guilty every time I touch you or kiss you or… whatever. Just let me have this."

Haymitch was practically begging and I couldn't turn this into a fight. It was a simple request and I'd be stupid to turn something this small into a full blown fight because of my hardheadedness.

I just nodded and stood on my tiptoes before I kissed his jaw. "Okay. You win this round," I whispered as I playfully narrowed my eyes at him.

He smirked and chuckled before he wrapped me in his arms tightly and disappeared into the kitchen. I smiled to myself but a part of me was feeling bad about Peeta. I loved Haymitch with all my heart and Peeta couldn't change that, but there was still that attraction to him that tugged at me. Haymitch was attractive to me but Peeta was in a different way, in a way that I couldn't explain. I laid down on the couch for a nap but resolved to see Peeta later, one last time before he finally left for good.

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	6. Progress

Chapter Six: Progress

. . .

I thought about what I was planning to do a thousand times in my head, over and over again. I thought about how Haymitch would react to my actions and I started to become uneasy. A part of me knew he would be hurt but the other part of me also knew that he could dismiss it as "young love," and it would have happened because I was naïve and childish. I suppose those two things could be considered true, but I didn't actually want to be called out on it.

I thought about what Prim would say about it; I have a feeling that she would tell me not to do anything with Peeta at all after all the things he already did to hurt me. She would tell me to just let him leave, and that it's his loss. But it really wasn't totally Peeta's fault, was it? He had been hijacked and in this scenario, I was the one that looked like I didn't care about it. From the outside, I looked like I lost patience with his absent mind. My demons were fighting me from every which way and I felt lost and confused about my feelings. After awhile, I decided damn my feelings, to hell with them.

The sun was beginning to set as I sat on the couch, alone with my thoughts. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt Haymitch. I was too depressed and self-destructive to hurt anyone but myself anyway, even though a sick small part of me wanted to hurt Peeta. Did he expect me to welcome him back with open arms after abandoning me like my mother and Gale did? What exactly did he think was going to happen?

"Hey, kiddo… come eat," Haymitch encouraged me from the kitchen.

"I'm really not hungry tonight," I answered softly, standing up to walk over to him. I wrapped my cold, bandaged arms around myself and stood in front of him. "I think I'm just going to go to sleep. Take the bed; I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

"No, Katniss… I'm not an idiot. You think like me. I know what you're going to do if I let you take the couch. The last thing you need right now is alcohol."

I smirk weakly but don't look up at him. "Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

I hear him chuckle softly and feel his fingers run through my hair. They feel reassuring and safe, and familiar. I move closer towards him, just wanting to feel his gentle touch some more. "Then let me sleep with you," I barely whisper.

I feel his kiss linger on my temple for what feels like ages before he finally leans back. "Sleep and nothing else. No funny business."

"Fine, I won't try anything. I just… want to be with you. I don't want to sleep alone anymore," I reply, searching his face desperately.

He nods in understanding and then looks down at the bowl of soup he made for us. My stomach churns uneasily and the last thing I want to do is eat. "I'm sorry, Haymitch. It looks good but I'm not hungry."

He looks at me skeptically before he covers it up and puts it into the fridge. "You haven't eaten a proper meal in days. You need to eat, Katniss. You're wasting away in front of me. Don't lie and tell me you're not hungry."

I watch him and feel frustrated with myself. "I'm just not feeling well. It's nothing. I'll be fine tomorrow," I make an attempt to reassure him.

He gives me another skeptical look but doesn't push it any further. He helps me stand up and takes me by the hand before we walk towards his bedroom. I watch him unbutton his shirt and take in his muscular chest and shoulders; they're more so than I had imagined them. I'm suddenly feeling awkward and self-conscious as I take my pants off, but leave my shirt on since we're not planning on doing anything. He takes his pants off and I can't help but smirk at his pale legs and the boxers he's wearing.

"Yes, Ms. Everdeen? Is there something you'd like to share with the class?" He teases me but chuckling at the same time.

I shake my head and smile brightly. "No, nothing. I just love you, Haymitch."

He smiles warmly at me and walks over to where I'm standing. He leans in and places his hand on my cheek before he kisses me deeply and meaningfully. I kiss him back and caress my tongue over his. As I place my hands on his waist, I realize that this is where I belong. I belong with him and he's able to give me more love emotionally than Peeta could since his hijacking. I need a constant man in my life, as insecure as that sounds. As we kiss the other lovingly, I know that Haymitch is that constant. We can take care of each other and on top of that, he's someone that I don't mind taking care of, no matter how frustrated or angry he manages to make me. It doesn't make me love him any less.

We finally break apart from our embrace and he plants a gentle kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes and breathe him in. I don't care that he smells slightly of alcohol and stew. He smells like home to me.

"Thank you," I whisper almost breathlessly to him.

He looks at me with confused eyes and searches my face. "For what, sweetheart?"

I'm quiet for awhile, unsure where to even start. I'm thankful for everything he's done, for better or worse. I know somewhere in my heart that I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him making me eat after me and Peeta came back. I'm grateful for him for taking me in now, and for making Peeta leave earlier. I'm grateful for him helping me in the Hunger Games I partook in. I'm grateful for him keeping me alive.

"For loving me, for not giving up on me…"

"I'd never give up on you, Katniss Everdeen. You're strong, even if you can't see it in yourself. You're an amazing person who fights for what you believe in. You don't have to thank me for believing in you and for loving you. Those are things that I have no problem doing," he replies in a serious tone that I hadn't heard since our first Hunger Games together.

I'm not even sure what to say to this. Saying anything seems like it would ruin the moment so I remain quiet but I just nod in acknowledgement and gratitude. He must sense the awkward silence now because he lifts me into the air by my waist easily and plops me onto the bed.

I screech when he picks me up but burst into laughter when he drops me. I smile up at him as he's playfully shrugging. "What do you want to do tomorrow? Want to try hunting?"

I make a face and then crawl up to where the pillows are and get under the covers. "I don't care what we do as long as I'm with you. Let's just… stay in and get drunk together," I offer up half-jokingly.

The truth is I can really go for another drink to forget about Peeta but mostly, I just want to escape my nightmares and it seems like passing out from the alcohol is the only thing that helps me have a dreamless sleep.

He gets under the covers beside me and then turns over onto his side so he's facing me but he's resting his head on his hand. "You really shouldn't fall into those drinking habits. I know it's hypocritical of me to say but… I don't think you should drink in the state you're in."

I know that he's talking about my nightmares and flashbacks. He's talking about with my depression on top of everything else and that's when it hits me; he's afraid of me hurting myself if I drink. He drinks to forget about his Hunger Games and his girlfriend and family. This is his worst fear for us: that I'm going to end up like him.

I could easily turn this into an argument but I decide against it. He really is being a hypocrite about me drinking but I understand why he's prohibiting it. I just nod and lay my head on the pillow, looking up at him as he strokes my hair softly. It feels so nice that it begins to relax me and I close my eyes.

"Please don't leave me, Haymitch."

"This bed or in our relationship?"

I smirk and take his hand in mine. "Both."

I know that he's smiling down at me as he squeezes my hand affectionately. "I wouldn't dream of it, sweetheart."

I soon fall asleep and I get more sleep that night than I ever have since I came back. That night, I have no nightmares of anyone. I sleep soundly, and more profoundly, I'm able to sleep this way without alcohol. I decide that it's Haymitch. He's my metaphorical dream catcher. Lying next to him makes all my bad dreams disappear and that's the first night when I'm able to sleep deeply.

I wake up the next morning and see that he's still lying beside me but he's awake. This half surprises me. I didn't think he'd literally wait for me to wake up and not leave my side. He smiles at me and gives me a wake up kiss.

"Good morning, sweetheart. How'd you sleep? No nightmares?"

I smile lovingly at him and shake my head. Internally, I'm trying to rationalize what kind of magic Haymitch has. It was the first night in such a long time that I didn't replay the deaths of my sister or my friends. It was the first night in a long time that I didn't accidentally scratch myself up or wake up with tears streaming down my cheeks. What was it about Haymitch that made the nightmares cease? Peeta never had that effect on me. Maybe it was because Haymitch and I were both on the same emotional and mental level. I suppose it helps when your significant other isn't having hijackings.

"Good, I'm really glad, Katniss. I miss your smile; you should smile more," he says softly as he gently caresses my cheek with his fingers. "I hate seeing you all scratched up and… freaked out."

"I don't like it much either, if truth be told," I reply. I'm quiet for a few moments, just watching him watch me and finally, I can't hold back the question that is burning inside me any longer. "Why don't you ever have flashbacks from your Hunger Games, and of your family and girlfriend being killed by Snow?"

His eyes become almost sad but I can't tell if he's sad for me or sad because he's thinking about all of those people he loved now. I'm patient with him but the silence between us after a good five minutes is becoming unnerving. It's only when I let my fingers caress his hair and move a bit closer to him that he speaks again.

"I guess… it's because I'm numbed by it all. The alcohol helps me temporarily forget about them, and you've proven to be a wonderful distraction as well," he teases me lightly in his usual sarcastic tone but I know it's a defense mechanism so he doesn't feel uncomfortable.

"You haven't gotten drunk in a few days. Maybe being with me helps you more than you think?"

Haymitch smiles weakly and then leans in and kisses my forehead before letting himself kiss my lips. I feel cold but he feels at least a dozen degrees warmer than me. I snuggle close into his body and he wraps his arms around me. Breathing him in, I smell traces of alcohol and squirrel stew, and Winter. It all seems familiar and like home to me. I don't want to smell anything else ever because this is enough for me. All these things are the only things I want to know.

"Being with you puts my mind at ease. I may not forget about any of them, but… it's just like how you'll never forget about Prim or Finnick, or the other tributes. We don't have to forget about them, though, and by no means should we. We're a good distraction for each other, I think. Taking care of you and making sure that you're safe makes me feel useful."

I relax in his strong arms as he tells me all this and I can't help but feel the same way. I agree with him wholeheartedly as well; we shouldn't forget about the people we loved, but we also shouldn't dwell on them either. Their memories are still going to live on in both of us.

"You're right," I barely whisper into his chest. "You've done so much for me. Can I do anything for you, Haymitch?"

I feel his fingers run through my long hair and there is no reason for me to not feel loved right now. He's all I need to survive. I only felt that way about Peeta before his hijacking and now that he's a homicidal robot, I know inside that I can't ever feel the same way about him that I do about Haymitch. They're two completely different people.

"Eat for me, sweetheart. You're getting so small and we really need to build up your strength again," he answers in an almost pleading tone.

I swallow hard at the thought of eating but I know that my thinning state has been bothering him for awhile. He's just been too afraid of me snapping at him for nagging me to eat to actually say anything until now. This hits my sympathetic nerve and I know that he's right.

"Okay, fine. I'll eat, but I might need to go snare something in the woods first."

"No need. I traded one of my liquor bottles for some venison meat. I made a stew and Peeta's mother dropped off some bread."

For a few seconds I don't know what to say because the last part threw me off. Why would she do that without wanting anything else in return? Did she feel bad about her son's continued attempts to kill me? I didn't understand it.

"Wow, you traded your alcohol? I can't believe it," I make a weak attempt to joke but inside I really am flattered that he would do that for us.

He releases me and lies on his back, one arm under his head as he looks at me still, half smirking. "I thought you'd be proud of me."

I move myself so I'm lying on my stomach but I'm looking up at him smiling softly. "I am, I am, Haymitch. I just… I can't figure out why she would give you bread for nothing. She must need something…"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Do you think everyone has an ulterior motive? Do tell me, sweetheart, what's mine?"

I playfully hit his chest and we both laugh together but the question is still plaguing me. I really didn't want to see her again and after Peeta's confrontation with me last night, I wasn't eager to see her either in case Peeta was still here.

"I don't know. Your plans are usually pretty obvious. You wear everything on your sleeve and you don't ever really have a deep secret that I don't know about already," I reply jokingly at first but the last part comes out in a hushed whisper and my mind goes somewhere I didn't plan on it to go.

The Quarter Quell. He had planned out everything, from the point where I would leave, and leaving Peeta. I swallowed hard and my mind clouds up with depression but I try to shake it away.

"Umm… go dish me up a bowl and I'll be out in a few. I'm just… going to shower."

He looks at me knowingly now and I can tell that he's thinking the same thing I am. If he does know what I'm thinking though, he doesn't tell me. He just nods and walks out of the bedroom. I hear him cursing himself in what I assume he thinks is under his breath, and then I hear a clattering of a pot. I strip off my bandages, and my clothes, and hop in the shower, letting the hot water burn my cold skin. I take my time in the shower, almost dreading seeing him after our awkward moment but I finally force myself out and get changed into my old hunting clothes and boots before walking out into the kitchen.

There's a bowl of venison stew in a place at the table and I walk over to sit down in front of it when I see Haymitch quickly stash something down under the sink and walk over to me. Even when he's sitting a foot away from me, I can smell the sharp smell of vodka on him. My stomach gives an uncomfortable lurch, knowing now that he knows what he did, and knows that I remember that.

I eat in silence for a long time, trying to keep my mind on the fact that I haven't eaten in a proper meal in almost a week and I take small sips of the tea he made me as well. I'm half done with the stew when he speaks up.

"Katniss, I'm –"

I shake my head and look up at him, giving him a weak smile. "I know, you're sorry. It's…it's fine. I wasn't thinking when I said that earlier about how you don't have any secrets. I understand why you did it now. I temporarily forgot about the Quarter Quell, that's all. I'm sorry I said what I did."

He bit his lip unsurely and then put his face in his hands before running his fingers through his hair in frustration with himself. He finally looked back at me with a look I couldn't read. It was like he was trying to hide the fact that the whole thing happened at all and he didn't want to admit he was the in the wrong in the end. I really didn't want to talk about this right now though. We were doing so good; no nightmares on my part, zero to little alcohol on his part, and then I screwed up and had an attack of verbal diarrhea. I made him drink at six in the morning when he had been doing so damn good.

"Alright… well, I'm sorry too, Katniss. Really… but, you're right. Let's just move on with the day. I figured that after breakfast, we'd try shooting at some targets outside. Does that sound okay?"

I swallow a spoonful of my stew and nod before giving him a genuine smile to let him know that I'm not mad at him or anything. He leans over and kisses my cheek before he stands up to take care of the leftover stew in the pot. Never in a million years did I imagine I would be playing House with Haymitch. He was the last person anyone would ever expect, even Peeta didn't see it coming. He might've been able to guess what was going on but when he did, he acted genuinely surprised, and angry.

After he cleaned up and I finished my stew, we went outside and sure enough, I saw my bow and arrows leaning against the house by some barrels that had apples on them. He wanted me to shoot the apples like I shot them in my first Hunger Games, except individually. I grabbed an arrow and placed it in my bow before taking a couple deep breaths, wondering if Peeta ever thought about me and how I was doing. I shot the first arrow and unsurprisingly missed by several inches.

Damn it. I can't think about Peeta when I'm with Haymitch. This would've been a much simpler task if I didn't have history with him. I only had history with Haymitch on a mentor/tribute level, but it was different with Peeta. I thought about what he was doing right now, where he was, and what mental state he was in too. I didn't have any romantic attraction to him anymore and a part of me was still in disbelief that he wanted to give us another shot, but I couldn't help wonder what he was doing.

After my first night sleeping in the same bed as Haymitch with no nightmares, though, I couldn't see myself with him ever again. Haymitch had this wonderful power that I was so grateful for. I couldn't remember the last night when I didn't have any horrible dreams of blood and gore and tragedy. I didn't want to spend the night with anyone else. Any doubts that I had about being with Haymitch were gone now. He was the one that changed my life for the better. Alcoholic or not, I knew that he would take care of me, and I wanted to do the same for him when he needed it. We understood each other on a level I didn't have with anyone else, and it was nice to say the least.

I shot a second arrow and it missed again but only by a few less inches, however; I wasn't surprised yet again. I had almost no muscle in my arms and shoulders anymore. It was progress though, just like everything else. My peaceful night of sleep could have been a fluke, but like my shooting, it would take gradual progress. I would have to gradually build my muscles up again and I'd have to be patient with Haymitch like he was trying with me, but I didn't mind, not as long as he was there to help me along the way.

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	7. Second Verse, Same As the First

Chapter Seven: Second Verse, Same As the First

. . .

We spent the entire day working on me shooting the bow. We practiced until my arm felt like it was going to fall off, and only then did Haymitch consider our practice a success. It was dark when we walked back inside his house and I could feel small beads of sweat on my forehead but he didn't seem to care as he leaned in and kissed my hair. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks in embarrassment; I felt gross and sweaty and of course that's the time he chooses to kiss me.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to pick up my bow again. My arms are so sore," I complain before I take off my jacket and rest it on the sofa.

"Of course your arms hurt. You've been M.I.A. for so long since you've come back. You haven't had the mental capacity to even pick it up. I can't say I blame you though; I wouldn't be too eager to pick one up after everything that's happened to you."

I nod in agreement and silence turns our conversation a different direction. I can't let myself think like that again, think about our friends that died in battle. I smile weakly and kneel in front of the fireplace before I begin to occupy my mind with the busy work of getting a fire started to heat up the cool house.

I just need something to help distract me from my thoughts. I just need some mindless work I can do out of habit. As I position the kindling and light a match, there's a knock at the door. I jump and end up burning my hand but I feel Haymitch's firm hand on my shoulder comfortingly as he walks over and opens the door.

"Gale… I thought you were in 2. What happened?"

I look up in shock to see a tall Gale Hawthorne talking to Haymitch. I try to keep my cool but a whole mess of memories flood my mind. I see Gale mouthing "shoot me" to the Peacekeepers before I saw Prim's little body explode. I see Gale when I first met him in the woods outside District 12, strong and lean. He looks even stronger now but at the same time, I barely recognize him. He's dressed in a dress shirt and dress pants. My heart is hammering away in my chest unmercifully but somehow I'm able to stand up. I'm out of his line of sight because Haymitch is in the way but I'm also unsure if he wants Gale to see me yet. I cross my arms in front of myself almost protectively as I wait.

"Panem's new government is up and running. There's not a lot they want me to do there anymore. Is… is Katniss still around?"

"Yeah, she's here, actually. Come inside out of the cold," Haymitch invites him in before closing the door and turning around to look at me.

I force myself to move towards them and stop when I see Gale running over to me. I'm unable to stop myself before I wrap my arms around his neck as he wraps his own muscular arms around my body. I breathe him in before I'm even aware of what I'm doing. He smells like spices and hot chocolate.

"Katniss, thank god you're still alive," he whispers into my hair, holding me tighter. "Do you want to go talk in private? I'll catch you up on things."

It sounds like our usual routine from so long ago, catching me up on who hates me, who can tolerate me, and who wants to kill me. It's so familiar that it's actually painful for me because all the memories are weaved together from other ones. They were all connected in a way that I couldn't think of one memory without another one piercing itself into my brain as well.

I looked at Haymitch who was looking slightly uneasy and almost pointedly. I bit my lip but nodded at Gale before leading him into the kitchen and put the kettle on for tea. I saw Haymitch out of the corner of my eye as he walked down the hall where his bedroom was. I was silent until the water started to boil and then poured both of us a cup of tea before I sat down next to him.

"So it must be awkward to live with Haymitch, right, Catnip?" Gale chuckled as he took a small sip of his tea.

Oh god, the name he always used to call me. He can't do this now. A part of me is mentally willing him back to District 2 but I'm not surprised when it's not working. I searched his dark eyes but no chuckle or laugh passes my lips.

"No, umm… not really. It's… it's nice to live here with him. It's nice to have someone to care about me."

His eyes turn hard and almost cold. "I care about you, Katniss…"

Suddenly, resentment and anger builds up inside of me and unleashes itself. "Gale, if you cared about me, then why did you abandon me like my mother did? After I came back, you didn't. You stayed in 2, and I was alone. Why didn't you come back with me to make sure I didn't kill myself or come back to make sure that Peeta didn't kill me?"

Gale shook his head what I assumed was disbelief at my words and chuckled darkly. "Well there you are, Katniss. You have your answer right there! Peeta came back with you. You two are together, aren't you? You're not alone!"

I closed my eyes looked down before forcing my eyes open again. "Peeta left. We're not together anymore," I almost whisper.

It's not the fact that I miss him or still harness loving thoughts about Peeta; it's the fact that we left on such bad terms. I don't love him. I just hate that we couldn't say goodbye like normal people.

"Well that's a shame. You two were perfect for each other…"

I look up at him, searching his face for signs of sincerity or sarcasm. Is he being for real? Does he really mean that or is he being cold? I can't tell. I decide to turn the conversation on him to deflect off me.

"So what did you do for Panem, Gale? Did you help organize more Hunger Games?" I know it was a low blow but I couldn't stop myself from feeling spiteful.

"I can't tell you what we're doing for the government. It's top secret, but if you must know, yes. We are working on new arenas for future Hunger Games."

I felt a sick feeling in my stomach and I was feeling a number of emotions at once. Anger was the first one that popped up as I slammed my hand on the table. "What the hell, Gale? You can't be serious! What did we fight for before if you're just setting up more Hunger Games? What the hell was the point of that? What did Prim die for? And Finnick?"

Gale sighed and looked at me with calculating eyes as he tried to keep his cool. "I know it seems crazy what we're doing for Panem but… it's for the best, Katniss. It'll work itself out."

I stood up now and threw my tea mug across the room with my sore arm, hearing it shatter in a thousand pieces against the refrigerator. I felt tears of fury and incomprehension rise in my eyes as I glared daggers at him.

"What will work itself out?! Kids are dying in these fucking Hunger Games! For what?! So the Capitol can get their rocks off watching them kill each other! How is that for the best, Gale?"

"The Hunger Games are cruel! I'm not denying that! It's the only way we can keep everyone in line and stop them from rebelling…"

I could see my vision blurring in front of my eyes, unable to get a grasp on what he was telling me. "What happened to what you told me? You told me that a rebellion would be better than just doing what the Capitol wanted! What happened to that?"

He ran a hand through his hair and leaned back before he looked up at me. "What did a rebellion cost us in the end, Katniss? Our friends are dead, your sister is dead… people that we know and love are dead! A rebellion didn't do anything really amazing. What did you think was going to happen after we killed Snow? Did you think that we would live in a better world?"

I run both hands through my messy hair, feeling so frustrated. Everything we fought for was for nothing. Prim, Finnick, Cato, Thresh… Rue. They all died for absolutely nothing. They died to make the Capitol happy. All my efforts to protect Peeta and my family and Gale were all for nothing. Gale had just started it all over again. He had created a second Panem government, same as the first. It was a vicious circle. I could feel hot tears running down my cheeks but I didn't care. I wanted Gale to see how much he had messed up, how royally he had screwed up everything.

"Did the goddamn Capitol hijack you too? What the hell happened to you, Gale?! Were you brainwashed? My sister died! Death! That was all the other Panem government was good for! We were all surrounded by death! Can you just not get enough of it all?"

At this, Gale stood up and pushed his chair in before he grabbed his mug and set it in the sink. I hated that he was doing this and I hated that I didn't understand why he was doing this. It killed me. Inside, it was ripping me apart.

He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me firmly again, as if he knew that because I was angry at him now, we'd never have the same friendship again. I only let him hold me long enough for me to breathe him in one last time before I pushed him away from me, feeling sick and disgusted with him. This wasn't the same Gale who hunted with me and helped me keep my family alive by trading squirrels. This wasn't the same Gale who helped me enhance my snares and make fun of the Capitol and the Hunger Games. I didn't know this guy who was standing in front of me.

"You're a bastard, Gale… I can't believe you would destroy everything we did. I can't believe you would let everyone die in vain!"

"You don't understand, Katniss –"

"Damn right I don't, Gale! I don't know how you do!"

"Will you shut up for a second, Katniss? Let me talk!"

I shook my head. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. Before I knew what I was even doing anymore, I leapt at him and started hitting him, scratching him, anything to inflict physical pain on him. It wasn't just because of his new job in the government. It was for everything. It was because I still blamed him for what happened to Prim. I was hurting him because I felt like I owed it to Finnick and Peeta and everyone else who had trusted Gale.

I felt arms pick me up off of Gale from the floor and try to hold me back as I was fighting. I knew it was Haymitch but I just felt so angry and frustrated that I was seeing red. I quickly ran out of energy but I was still breathing hard. I watched as Gale started towards the door, me yelling at his back the whole way.

"Don't come back here, Gale! Don't come back or I swear on my sister that I'll kill you! You're a traitor! That's all you are!"

The door slammed shut and I felt my feet give out from under me but Haymitch caught me gently as I crumpled on the floor with tears still staining my cheeks. I felt so helpless. I felt him hold me as he knelt down on the floor, holding me against him as I softly cried, mostly out of anger than anything else.

_OoOoOo_

I let him hold me until I couldn't cry anymore, which ended up being almost an hour as I thought about everything that related to Gale and the spider webs that connected to him. We sat in a comfortable silence as Haymitch gently stroked my hair with his fingers soothingly.

"I can't believe Gale would do that after everything we worked so hard to change," I whispered into his chest, my throat hoarse from crying and yelling at Gale.

Haymitch seemed at a loss for words but I didn't mind. I didn't expect him to say anything because I had mostly just been talking aloud than to him. It all seemed so surreal. I looked into his eyes now, just needing to see something that was real again. I pressed my lips passionately to his, tasting nothing and everything on his lips all at once. I felt his hands find their way to my hips and then kiss my neck softly before he looked at my face again. I was already trying to tug his shirt off when he stopped me with his hands.

"No, not right now. Not when you're upset like this…"

I swallowed hard and looked at him almost hurt. I wanted to forget about what had happened and forget about everything Gale had told me. I stood up slowly and then rummaged under the sink before finding a bottle of whiskey.

"What are you doing, Katniss? Are you going to drink every time someone comes over and fights with you about something? If that's the way it's going to be, then you should probably stock up. You have more enemies than friends, sweetheart."

I didn't have the energy to fight with Haymitch and I knew what I was doing was pure escapism but I didn't care. I truly didn't care and I didn't want to deal with anyone else right now. I didn't want to think about my demons and everyone who died for nothing. I just wanted everything to go away.

I ignored him as I walked over to the couch and sprawled out before I unscrewed the top and let the alcohol burn my throat. If I was going to pass out, I'd rather pass out in front of someplace warm and open than have Haymitch be stuck with me in his bed and me locked inside his room. At least this way, he could take his room back. I might be selfish but at least I was somewhat considerate too.

I took another long pull from the bottle before I felt Haymitch take it out of my hands and sit down by where my feet were and drink from it too. He held it and then sighed before he passed it back to me.

"I'm not going to let you drink alone, like all those times I had to. If Panem's going to hell, might as well be in hell together, right, sweetheart?"

I just nodded and took another drink. A part of me didn't like that he wasn't going to let me be alone and another part of me hated that he was drinking just because I was. I was so useless. I was causing him to drink again. I just wanted to escape and I couldn't even do that here. The other part of me cursed myself for not locking myself in his room when I had the chance but was also grateful that I didn't have to feel totally alone. I smiled pathetically at him before taking a longer drink of the whiskey and then passing it to him.

"Tell me it's going to be okay," I nearly whispered as I stared at the bright fire in the fireplace that radiated warmth.

There was a momentary bout of silence before he spoke. "It's going to be just fine, sweetheart. Things will work themselves out," he slurred slightly several shared drinks from the bottle later.

I didn't believe him, but I wanted to more than anything. I wanted to believe that our friends and family hadn't died in vain. I wanted to believe that they had died for a cause. I wanted to believe that things would get better, just because he said they would.

_OoOoOo_

I wasn't sure what time it was but I woke up sometime during the night to Haymitch leaning over me and kissing my lips, his hands resting on my legs. I kissed him back and then he began to kiss a bit more passionately.

I looked up at him in the dim light of the fire and I could tell that he was still drunk. My own head was feeling a bit heavy and cloudy as well and my hands felt mildly numb. I gently placed them on his cheeks and returned his suddenly hungry kisses. There was a certain desperation in them. It told me that he was scared about the future, and the truth was, I was scared too. I held him close to me as he rested his body on top of mine and started to kiss my collarbone and trailed down to my chest.

I smiled down at him as he did this but this wasn't how I wanted this to happen. I wanted both of us to be sober when we made love for the first time, or as sober as I could manage to get Haymitch on a good day. It felt nice to feel him be so affectionate and loving towards me like this so I let him keep on until he reached the off limits zone. As soon as I felt his hands under my shirt on my bra, I reached down and gently grabbed his hands.

"Lay with me," I softly pleaded, not wanting him to overreact and suddenly feel guilty or come to his senses. He smiled and then positioned himself behind me so my small body melted into his and it was only when I felt his arm wrap around my stomach when I let myself fall back asleep again.

_OoOoOo_

I had dreams of mutant Finnicks clawing my eyes out because of Gale, Prim screaming to me at the very last second before blood splattered everywhere, and I woke up with a start when I saw Gale announcing the future Hunger Games. Judging by the fire being out and the sliver of orange and pink light that was pooling inside, it was just after sunrise. I grabbed the bottle of whiskey that still had a couple swallows in the bottom and finish it off before setting it back down quietly on the floor. I carefully slipped out of Haymitch's arms and walked into the kitchen to clean up the shards of broken mug I had thrown in my fit last night.

I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep so I made sure all the pieces were picked up and then I began to tidy the place up a bit before I made a fresh batch of coffee for Haymitch and then wandered over to the window. I couldn't believe it; Gale was still here. What did he want from me?

I just stood at the window watching him walk around the compound of District 12 aimlessly. A sick feeling grew in my stomach as I wondered why he was still here. I prayed that I wouldn't have to go back to District 2 with him or worse, the new Capitol. If I had to go back with him, I would make it a deal breaker that Haymitch would come with me too. Gale would have to know eventually about us being together but I doubt he would actually care. I moved away from the window and shut the curtains, knowing I wouldn't be able to escape from everything I didn't want to deal with forever.

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Please review!


	8. Feels Like the First Time

**A/N: I apologize for not having written anything in a long time. I've been busy with college and such but I'm going to try and put forth the effort to write more. Please bear with me while I do this and thank you for those of you who are still following this story and a big hug to those of you who are still reviewing.**

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Chapter Eight: Feels Like the First Time

. . .

Curiosity and annoyance both consumed my being as I looked out the window and watched Gale seemingly pace back and forth. He occasionally glanced at the house, watching me watching him. After about fifteen minutes of this, I gave into my better instincts and brushed my hair before braiding it quickly, slipping my boots on and grabbing my jacket Cinna had made me for my first Hunger Games. I forced myself out into the cold and started towards Gale, thankful for the thermal interior of the jacket now.

"Does Haymitch know you're out here because once he realizes that you're gone…"

I was instantly regretting this decision as soon as he brought Haymitch into the conversation. "Gale, what do you want from me? Did you come all this way just to tell me what you're doing up at the new Capitol?"

He sighed and started to look uneasy. "We need your help, Katniss. Help us. Help me," he almost whispered the last part.

I looked at him in confusion and hurt and I found myself internally willing myself not to knock his head off his shoulders at this moment. "You want me to help you kill more kids. That is what you want my help with," I reply a bit matter-of-factly.

His Seam eyes narrowed into small slits and I can tell he's losing his patience with me. "We need your help to get all the other Districts on board with this. You know the influence you have and we need it."

I shake my head and force myself to stifle a chuckle of disbelief but my insides feel like someone is twisting a knife in it. "You're insane, Gale. You can't be serious. My sister –"

"Died for a cause!" He cuts me off. "She died so we could all start fresh and new! Prim died so we could get rid of Snow and create a better Capitol!"

That's it; I totally lose it as I slap Gale across the face hard with my nearly frozen hand. He barely reacts to the hit but I think it's because he also knows that he deserves it.

"My sister died for nothing! She died so you could take Snow's place and continue to murder innocent kids and teenagers! She died so you could get hijacked by the new Capitol and show no remorse for anyone," I scream at him but somehow I managed to hold my tears back.

"Don't you dare tell me what Prim died for because you have no idea! This isn't the Gale I know! You are not the Gale that I trusted and who told me to run away with him! That Gale died in the Capitol along with my sister and you are just his replacement! Do me a favor," I say more calmly, attempting to regain my composure and maturity but there's still ice in my voice as I lean closer to him. "When the old Gale comes back, tell him that I'm ready to talk to him."

I search his face and he makes no movement until I turn my back on him and begin to walk through the chilly air back towards the house. It's only when I do this when I hear his voice again.

"Catnip! I'm still the old Gale but maybe the Capitol isn't as bad as we thought it is! Maybe some of their ideas are good and maybe they're right! Maybe we do need to evolve or else we're all going to rot and burn in here!"

I hear his words and it's all I can do to not yell back "Well then you'll burn with us" but I don't stop walking until I'm back inside Haymitch's house and I close the door. I know where "here" is, though. It's District 12 where Haymitch, Greasy Sae, and Peeta's mother are all already rotting in this mostly burned down hellhole.

I have to keep my mind busy so I begin to relight the fire in the fireplace, setting the kindling in a strategic manner. I can't let myself think about Gale and what he thinks he's fighting for in the Capitol. I can't let the thoughts and memories of Prim and Snow eat me alive or else I know I'm going to make it long. I know that if I do begin thinking about them both, I'm going to end up in the same sad mental state I came back here in, not eating, not bathing, not talking. I also know that if I do crawl back into myself, I'll lose Haymitch in every way possible.

It seems like ages but I finally manage to create sparks in the fireplace and then I sit back and pull my legs into my chest, just watching the flames begin to dance around the small pieces of wood. As hard as I try, I find myself still thinking about Gale and what he wanted from me. It was backwards thinking to try to influence all the Districts to trust the Capitol again. As long as they remembered the children dying in Snow's mansion, they would no longer be donating their goods to them anymore. Maybe that's what Gale needed my influence for. The Districts no longer trusted them, so if I talked to all of them, then the Capitol would get the materials and goods and food they craved.

"Hey there, sweetheart," I hear a gentle voice say from the couch. "Mind getting me some aspirin while you're sitting there doing nothing?"

I catch the slight nagging in his voice but I'm so used to it that I don't take it personally anymore. Instead of making a harsh comment back, I stand up and go into the bathroom to get the aspirin bottle. I walk back out and then gently throw the small bottle onto his stomach but to my dismay, he ends up catching it in his hand, as if he knew I was going to throw it at him. I watch as he downs a few aspirin with a chug from the liquor bottle.

"That's smart," I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "I guess you want to get liver damage."

He chuckles and just sits up before looking over at me, shaking his head with a grin on his face. "Well then at least I'll die with the love of my life by my side."

I bite my lip to keep from grinning at his reply and I walk back over to him, thinking I should tell him what Gale wants from me. It's important and I know that Haymitch has a right to know but I'm scared he'll get angry and try to hurt him. Haymitch knows everything we all went through during the rebellion, especially the people we lost, and I know that he'll have the same reaction as I did.

"Umm… so what do you want to do today? More target practice? Drink? Make love?" I smirk awkwardly.

Haymitch laughs heartily and I feel him gently tug at my hand, silently telling me to come over by him. I stand up and then sit on one of his legs as his one arm wraps around my entire body and it's only when he does this when I realize just how small I've let myself get. I really can't weigh more than 115 pounds, soaking wet. I've lost so much muscle mass and I make a quick promise to myself that I'll work on regaining it all back.

"Well, as much as I find you beautiful and attractive, I want our first time to be special for you, Katniss. I don't want you to be… in distress over anything. I don't want us to be drunk and… I want it to be a conscious decision on your part. I love you, and… I don't want to add any more pain in your life by making you regret anything we do together," he spoke softly near my ear, sounding like he was out of practice of being selfless and kind.

"I know, I was… just teasing. But seriously, I think we should work on more target practice today. I hate feeling so weak physically."

"I know you do, sweetheart. We'll do some target practice but I want to get some food in you. Food will help you gain muscle mass, and… I suppose I need to eat something as well," he smirked playfully when I looked back at him. "I miss Capitol food. A person can eat squirrel only for so long."

It was my turn to smirk now and I looked up at him hopefully. "How about you get some bread and I'll make us some mint tea?"

He already started to get his own coat on; he must have been excited at the thought of fresh, warm bread. "Sounds good, be careful in the woods, Katniss," a slight tone of warning in his voice.

I kept my jacket on but put my winter gloves on before I glanced up at him. "Afraid Peeta might come out of the woodwork and kill me for real this time?" I replied playfully, smirking once again.

His face remained serious though and I knew he was genuinely worried about me. "No, but I doubt you have enough strength to outrun any dangerous animal right now, forget Peeta. If you're not back in fifteen minutes, I'm going to look for you."

I rolled my eyes and kissed his cheek before I hurried out into the brisk cold and headed into the woods in search of mint leaves. I knew that it was too cold to find the leaves out in the open so as I walked deeper and deeper into the woods, I started looking in places where the mint wasn't too exposed to the freezing air. I crept around quietly, not wanting to disturb the deer that had come out looking for berries. Ten minutes had come by before I finally managed to get only a few mint leaves but determined it would be enough. I started back when I suddenly heard the snapping of branches near me. My heart began racing in my chest and I stood still, unsure if a bear was stalking me or maybe a wolf. Were there still wolves in District 12? I didn't know but I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. Suddenly, a familiar voice made me relax again.

"Why are you staying here, Katniss? What's here for you?"

I spun around before pocketing the leaves in my jacket and looked at him with tired eyes. "Are you stalking me now until I finally agree to come back with you?"

Gale shrugged and gave a weak smile, maybe hoping that I could also be my old self and joke around with him like we used to. He was quiet for awhile before he looked around and then ran a hand through his hair. "Maybe. Is it working?"

I wasn't ready for his easy going tone and I was feeling very nostalgic for the old days, before the rebellion. I had to remain emotionally strong though in this moment. I couldn't cave to him like I had every other time when he wanted me to do something. I didn't even cave to Haymitch every time he wanted me to do something and he's my boyfriend. Gale was just a friend and I followed him like a loyal dog.

"No, Gale," I almost whispered. "You asked me why I'm staying here. I'm staying here because I have someone here that I love, and who loves me. I love someone that would dive in front of the Capitol for me, take a bullet for me, and volunteer for me. That's why I'm staying here. That is what is here for me."

To my surprise and disbelief, Gale let out a mocking laugh. He searched my face and was still chuckling as he walked towards me. "Are you serious? You can't mean Haymitch. There must be someone else here…"

I felt a large lump in my throat and a heaviness in my chest. "He's changed, Gale. He's not how he used to be and… yet there's still a part of him that is himself at the same time."

Gale laughed aloud again. "Yeah, and that part is going to be more and more prominent the longer you're with him! You're crazier than Peeta if you think that Haymitch, the District drunk, would take a bullet for you or even volunteer as tribute for you in the next Hunger Games! You really have gone off the edge if you believe he loves you that much! Haymitch would shove you in front of the Capitol and let you take that damn bullet, Catnip!"

I could feel anger swelling inside of me again and I wanted to do more than slap him this time. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt when I saw Prim die in front of me. I felt my hands shaking now but then I thought of Haymitch and how he would be looking for me soon and how I had to get back.

"God, you sound just like Peeta, Gale…" I said as I turned to leave.

He grabbed my arm firmly but I didn't dare turn to look at him. "Do you think if two of your male friends think it's a bad idea for you to date Haymitch, that maybe that's a clue for you not to date him? He's going to be the death of you, one way or another."

I finally forced myself to look back at him now. "You really think he's going to hurt me? He's treated me with nothing but gentleness and respect." I didn't want to admit that that statement wasn't exactly totally true.

"Katniss, he's a tribute too. He killed people in the Games before and he has just as many demons in his head as you or Peeta. You shouldn't underestimate him and staying with him isn't a good idea. You don't know what he's done, do you? You have no idea…"

I searched his gray eyes and realized that I didn't care what Haymitch did years ago. I didn't want to know. He was different now. He was older and wiser. "I don't care, Gale. Does it hurt you to see me happy with someone that isn't you? It must… I know that I hurt you when I was with Peeta. I can just imagine your face every time you saw me and him kiss during the first Games."

It was his turn to see red and I felt him backhand me now and I would've fell to the snow covered ground if he hadn't still been holding my arm. I hated myself for suddenly feeling afraid of this new Gale, the boy I basically grew up with here in the Seam. Tasting my own blood put some fear into me when the hit had come from someone I knew well.

"I don't care that you're not with me," he said coldly. "I don't. I'm glad that you're not with Peeta anymore but only because that was a hazard to your health. I just don't think that this is going to last with Haymitch. What are you doing here, Katniss? You're spending your days in a lifeless District with your old mentor, a cook, and Peeta's ashamed mother. You're going to die here. I just want to get you out! I want to free you!"

I tore my arm out of his grip finally and started backing up away from Gale. "I'm spending my days here with my boyfriend who I know loves me and cares for me, a cook that is keeping both of us alive, and Peeta's mother who is trying to keep her head up even though her son has gone mentally insane. I'm around people who all care about my well being, which is a lot more than what I can say for you. The Capitol is going to use you, hijack you if they haven't already and then dispose of you. Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll make you a mutt in their Games. You can't be ignorant, Gale. You have to know that whatever the Capitol does, is not in your best interest."

That seemed to shut him up now because he just stared at me as I walked away from him, now turning my back on him again. It'd be a cold day in hell before I went back to the Capitol. I don't care that Snow was dead; there will be people with the same ideals and opinions as he had and they'll just take over where he left off. I trusted Haymitch with my life, and I knew that as Hunger Game tributes, we both had the ability to kill each other if we really wanted to, but this wasn't the Games. We lived in District 12 and we both felt something stronger than hate: love.

I walked out of the woods and was about to cross back over to the House when I saw Haymitch making his way back from Peeta's mother's bakery, two loaves of bread hidden in his jacket.

"I was just on my way to look for you. Did you have trouble finding the mint leaves?"

I searched his face, still unable to tell him about seeing Gale for the third time today and all the things he said, along with the things he said about Haymitch. I figured ignorance is bliss in this case and I didn't want to shake our relationship yet again like I had before.

"Yeah, I did… it's so cold. They're difficult to find. How's she doing?"

He took my cold hand in his own and we began walking towards our house. "She's hanging in there. She told me that Peeta's in District 4 with your mother. She thinks that he's trying to seek help from her, maybe seeing if she could help him deal with his rage episodes."

"What do you think he's doing there?" I ask, half distracted as we walk inside the house.

Haymitch takes off his jacket and places the two loaves on the table in the kitchen as I begin to make the tea. "It's possible. He could be looking for a cure to stop the episodes totally. Maybe he wants to get better for you, thinking that you'll break up with me if you see that he's his old self again."

There's no hint of hurt in his voice but I can tell that this might be one of his worst fears; me leaving him for someone younger, mentally stronger, etc. I have the same fears that he'll leave me just out of pure fear and so I don't leave him first.

"Well… he might also just want to help her. Maybe he just wants a mother figure close by and the closest thing he has to it is my mother," I suggested, not wanting to also say that the closest thing to me is also her.

I pour the boiling water into two mugs with the mint leaves and then sit down beside him at the table as he begins to cut the bread into small slices. We sit in silence for awhile, eating and sipping, but it's a comfortable silence between us. We occasionally caress each other's hands and not a word passes between us until we finish eating our bread.

"Are you ready for target practice now, sweetheart?"

I feel a flutter in my heart and nod almost excitedly. "I've been ready. Let's go.." I clear the table and quickly grab my bow with both hands but he stops me and reminds me to put my jacket back on. I take out the last of the mint leaves I stuffed into my pocket when Gale saw me and then I grab the bow again and sling some arrows over my shoulder before going out where the targets were still set up.

He closes the door behind him and he stands off to the side, giving me casual directions. "Good… now aim a bit upwards, remember to keep it by your cheek…"

I do as he says and hold the heavy bow with shaky arms. My strength still isn't up to par with how much the bow weighs but I let go and watch the arrow fly off somewhere into an empty window next door in an abandoned house.

"Damn it," I curse, stringing another arrow. "I need a lighter bow," I said, irritated and cold.

Haymitch chuckles and shakes his head. "You need to get strong again. You shot bows like it was nothing in training and during the Games. It'll get easier when you gain more muscle but it'll take awhile. We just have to take it one day at a time, Katniss."

I took a deep breath and then tried to relax before I let go of the string on the bow and watched my arrow veer off into the snow. I restrained my urge to throw the bow into the snow and snap all my arrows. I practiced until my fingers felt numb and then I sighed tiredly and looked over at Haymitch who was watching me intensely.

"Let's go back inside. It's too cold. I need more tea… or alcohol."

He chuckled slightly and we walked back inside but he walked over to the stove to fill the kettle with more water and then set it on the stove before turning it on. He leaned against the counter and held out his arms. I walked over to him and hugged him, trying to steal his body warmth. He held me close and I sighed contently as I listened to his heart beat steadily in his chest. It somehow soothed me.

"What, are you sick of alcohol already?" I joke, still letting him embrace me.

He didn't laugh this time and I just felt him run his fingers through my hair lovingly. "I think we need to ease off the alcohol a bit. You'll never get to sleep with me if we're always drinking."

I smiled to myself but knew it was true. He didn't want either of us to be drunk for my first time with him, and I couldn't help but think how selfless it was of him to give up drinking as much for me. Then I thought about what he would get out of it and my feelings became mixed. Was he just sacrificing the alcohol so he could sleep with me? It seemed like partly what Haymitch might do. I just nodded. I wanted the same thing he wanted so I would give up alcohol if it meant that we could both have it. I nearly jumped when I heard the kettle screaming and let him pour the hot water into the mugs over the leftover mint leaves. I hopped up on the counter and sat there, sipping my tea as he stood between my legs, gently caressing my small thighs.

"I love you, Haymitch," I whispered softly, realizing with sadness that I haven't said it in a couple days.

"I love you too, sweetheart, with all my heart."

I felt a warmth rise up in me that I haven't felt since I was with Peeta. I smiled up at him and set down my half drank tea before I set down his. I sat up straighter so I could meet his lips with my own and he met my passionate kisses with his own. I gently tugged his shirt up and off of him, revealing his strong, muscular body and met his lips again, my fingertips running over his bare skin.

I felt him take off my own shirt and throw it on the floor before he lifted me up easily and carried me into the bedroom as I planted soft kisses on his scarred chest. He laid me down on my back and I ran my hands through his hair before I undid his belt of his pants eagerly before he did my own. Once we were both in our underwear, he pulled off mine over my legs and onto the floor just before we switched positions, placing me on top of him. My heart raced so hard against my ribs that I swear that I thought he could hear it too. I pulled off his underwear before I eased myself onto him, familiar with this action in my and Peeta's earlier days after the second Hunger Games. His moans encouraged me and I began to move up and down on him slowly, feeling my own brand of pleasure beginning to build up.

After several minutes of this, he expertly moved me so he could be on top again but now he was slowly thrusting in me, kissing my cold skin all over and whispering sweet words I never imagined would come out of his mouth. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he made love to me for half an hour before we both met our amazing peak. My body shook with this bliss and we held each other close until the other was done, and he then lay beside me in the bed, spooning me. He gently ran his fingers through my hair again until I fell asleep, neither of us having had a decent night's sleep between nightmares and arguments. We woke up sometime around eight with the same urges we had had earlier, and in the dim light of the moon, we made love once again until we couldn't feel our toes from the ecstasy and then soon fell asleep once again.

As he held me against his chest, I felt like nothing could ever make me unhappy ever again. I felt safe with him, in a way, I had never felt before in my entire life. I truly felt that he loved me and I knew with him, I could never love Peeta in the same way. I relaxed against him but I kept thinking about what Gale had said to me in the woods, how Haymitch could kill me. I knew about his nightmares and his strength, but I didn't anticipate in doing anything that would warrant him hurting me that bad. I didn't intend to kill him so I wasn't worried; I just wanted Gale to get out of my head and back to the Capitol more than anything.


	9. Mother

Chapter Nine: Mother

. . .

I woke up with a start from my nightmare with my heart pounding erratically in fear. It wasn't the usual night terror, though. This time, I had seen Gale and Peeta both slitting Haymitch's throat in front of me with smiling faces. I sat up ran my hands through my hair, trying to catch my breath from the panic I had felt when I had seen this in my mind. Instinctively, I glanced over at the spot beside me, half expecting him not to be there anymore but of course he was and he was awake. I looked away from him again, feeling like an idiot now. Why was I afraid of Gale and Peeta killing him? I instantly cursed myself, knowing the obvious answer, but I also knew I was scared because I realized how much I love Haymitch.

"Morning, have a bad dream?"

I nodded, swallowing hard and then felt him sit up and caress my back soothingly before he gently forced me to look at him. His grey eyes appeared soft and concerned when he looked into my own eyes and then I felt him gently thumb away something on my cheek.

"You're crying… what was the nightmare about?"

I search his face and I felt panic still buried in my chest, hating him for making me relive it. "Y-You were dead… someone killed you in front of me, and I couldn't protect you," I whispered, feeling my voice cracking as I felt fresh hot tears fill my eyes again.

I decided to leave out the part of both of my so-called friends killing him, not really wanting Haymitch to feel threatened by them over a dream, but then I realized that he probably would just laugh it off anyway.

He wrapped his arms around my body and I wrapped my own around his neck, needing to feel him, to feel that he was still there and that this right now wasn't just a dream. I needed to know that I wasn't going to wake up and find him slaughtered beside me for real. I breathed him in entirely, still embracing him tightly.

"It's all right, sweetheart. I'm still here, and we're together. Nothing's ever going to separate us."

I felt the tears escape my eyes now but I forced myself to look up at him. "Don't s-say that, Haymitch. Don't… you can't know that for sure. Something will separate us one day. Don't make promises you won't be able to keep," I almost beg him.

Living in District 12 had taught me never to make promises to anyone because tomorrow was never guaranteed. If hunger or infection didn't kill you, then there was a chance that the Capitol might. Of course, I also knew that this way of thinking could be applied to the entirety of Panem.

He took my face in his hands and gently caressed my skin with his thumbs before smirking playfully. "Do you honestly think that you can get rid of me that easily, sweetheart? I was a pain in your ass from the second I became your mentor up until now, and I promise you right now that I'm always going to be a pain in your ass for a long, long time."

I chuckle weakly and let myself smile slightly as he says this, loving the way it sounds flowing off his lips. "Good… I never want to get rid of you. I like you being a pain in my ass,"I joke back with him, trying to ease the seriousness of the situation.

He smiled brighter and then gives me another squeeze before he kisses my lips. "Why don't you go take a relaxing shower and I'll go make us some breakfast?"

"Oh fine, but be careful; knives are dangerous…" I half joke before hopping off his bed and going into the shower.

He hasn't totally convinced that I'm not going to lose him and on the verge of sounding melodramatic, I can't imagine my life without him in it. As I quickly wash my hair and then myself, I can't stop thinking about my horrific dream. It's got me paranoid now and even has me hurrying to wash up so I can see him again and make sure he's still alive. With the luck I've been having, Gale and Peeta have secretly snuck back in and slit his throat while I've been spoiling myself with his luxury soaps and shampoos.

I dry myself so quickly that my arms and legs are red from how fast I dried the water off of them that it almost looks like a brush burn. Outside the bedroom, I can hear him humming the Capitol anthem and I almost feel sick to my stomach as I get dressed into hunting pants, a thermal long sleeved shirt, and then a sweatshirt with a hood over that. I steal a pair of Haymitch's wool socks and I'm slipping them on simultaneously as I'm half running out towards the kitchen.

"What's the hurry? You're going to fall down and crack your head doing that…"

I feel the warmness rise in my cheeks and I shrug before sitting down at the small, wooden table. "I just wanted to see you again. As a girlfriend, can't I at least do _that_?" I tease, instantly wrapping both my hands around the hot mug when he sets it down in front of me.

"Of course you can, but as you being Katniss Everdeen, I can't see you making efforts to see anyone," he laughs softly, setting two, small, buttered pieces of the bread from yesterday in front of me next.

I begin to slowly eat the bread, picking small pieces off of it and taking my time to eat it. "Well you've really got me pegged, don't you?"

A part of me is frustrated that he assumes everything about my personality and he's only right about some of it. I can't blame him since I acted like a sociopath for the first couple years he met me but I just wish that he'd give me some credit. I try to set my pet peeves aside for now and concentrate on what I wanted to do; enjoy being with him.

"So what are we doing today?"

He sits downs with just his tea and leans back in the chair, watching me eat. "I think we should go hunting for the big stuff today…" he trails off, watching my expression carefully.

This throws me off guard slightly and I look up at him. "I'm not… strong enough for that. I doubt I'll be able to drag a hundred twenty pound deer back home."

He looks at me with a mysteriously, devious expression. "Well, maybe this will be good for you. It'll help you build back your muscle, which as you know, is something we really need to do. Who knows what the Capitol has planned for you up their sleeve? Getting you back in shape is at the top of my list right now so I'll bring some rope and you're going to drag that thing back here, without my help."

I look at him as if he's crazy, and then I suddenly am not sure of myself. The deer weighs more than I do right now and dragging it back here is going to take at least an hour for me after I bring it down, if I can at all. I think about how many wild animals could take me down in that time frame.

"You can't be serious. I think this is just a symptom of alcohol withdrawal. There's no way I can steady myself enough to even shoot a target that doesn't have four legs. It'll be impossible for me to bring down a damn deer," I reply, a bit grumpily.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know that he just has my best interest at heart but the task seems impossible for me and I'm becoming more and more irritated at him. I love him but I feel like he's plotting against me and he wants to see me struggle.

I'm quiet as I continue to pick off the crumbs of the bread and eat them. I know that if I talk again, I'm going to say something I might regret later so I just nod in agreement to my objective for the day.

"Come on, Katniss. I know you don't like it but it'll be good for you, and you get to be alone. Isn't that what you like?"

I can't be quiet anymore because what he says comes out almost patronizingly and I feel the anger eating at my insides. "Why the hell do you have to do that, Haymitch? Why? Does it make you feel like you're mightier than me because I'm weak and I'm losing my friends one by one?"

His eyes soften but he still looks like he's on his guard. "Katniss… what are you talking about?"

I stand up and try to restrain the violent urge I have to break something. "You talk to me like you know how I'm going to react without giving me half a chance! I'm trying to trust people more now that I'm back home but everyone is making it difficult for me and out of all people, I thought that _you'd_ be different but you're still the same jackass that you've been for years!"

I'm fully aware that I'm screaming at him like a crazy person and on the verge of going Peeta on him but I can't control myself. All I'm feeling is anger and paranoia and frustration that I'm scared that I'm either going to hurt him or myself. This feeling doesn't let up; in fact, it gets worse by the minute as we're staring at each other, both of us just wanting answers. I think Haymitch sees my distress because his demeanor changes and he looks like he does when he had to deal with Peeta's rages.

"Katniss, I'm sorry… okay? I didn't realize how I've been acting with you. Let's just… sit down and take a few breaths and talk it out," he tries to reason with me. "This… isn't as big a deal as you're making it out to be."

I closed my eyes, trying to count to ten, trying to calm myself down to no avail. What was wrong with me? I know that it isn't really a big deal but why can't I stop myself from overreacting? I still feel the same frustration and anger when I open my eyes but this time I can feel tears prickling again. No. I can't cry in front of him yet again. I just can't, but then… I do without fully realizing what's going on. It's at this point when I begin to feel lightheaded when I realize something isn't right.

"Katniss, are you okay? Katniss, look at me," I hear him order.

Suddenly, I feel myself fall to the floor and then everything goes dark. I come to what seems like hours later and I feel a warm cloth on my face and even though I'm wearing layers of clothes, it feels nice.

"What… what happened…?"

I look up at him and see his tensed up body begin to relax as he's holding me in his arms on the floor.

"You fainted, sweetheart. Come on, let's lie you down on the couch." I don't argue with him as he picks me up and carries me over to the couch.

I no longer feel angry but it's replaced with exhaustion and aches. I'm freezing even though the fire is still lit from earlier and I can see concern in his eyes. I'm almost surprised when he says what he does next.

"I'm going to call your mother…"

My joints spring back to life as I sit up as quickly as possible to try and stop him. "N-No! Don't. I don't want her to come all the way here just because I'm clumsy and I fell. Don't call her, please."

"Katniss, you didn't… trip on anything. You know why you fell."

I'm just as stubborn as he is and I don't want to admit that I fainted because I still haven't been eating enough to help sustain my small body. I know that the lack of muscle also isn't helping either but the last thing I want to do is admit this. I don't want to admit that I can't take care of myself, or that he can't properly take care of me, even though I know he's trying. It's really neither of our faults so much as it is the Districts'. No one can survive on bread and tea alone. We need meat in our diet and Haymitch can't shoot, but then again, neither can I right now.

"Then why do you want to call her? She abandoned me just like Peeta did! She doesn't want to see me just as much as I don't want to see her."

Haymitch walked over to me and crouched down beside me, placing a gently hand on mine but I could see the frustration on his own face. "Do you know why left you? It's not because she doesn't love you. It's not because she's afraid of hurting you like in Peeta's case. He has a good excuse."

I wanted to dispute that last part but decided against it. "Oh please, Haymitch," I start, already irritated. "She blames me for Prim's death! That's why she left here. That's why she doesn't want to ever see me."

He shook his head and then sighed heavily before standing up but still looked down at me. "She left because she just lost one of her damn daughters, Katniss! It's not all about you, believe it or not, sweetheart."

The way he says this reminds me of his mentoring during the Hunger Games. I'm quiet for a bit, unsure what to say about this until I see him start to walk towards the phone the Capitol gave him. I had one in my house as well but I didn't have anyone to call, or rather, no one I really wanted to call.

"Well I don't want to see her! I don't need to! I'll eat some food and I'll be fine!"

"You won't though… I know you, and you'll get preoccupied with something else and you'll forget to. You can't keep drinking without eating barely anything. Besides, you know that we don't have the right food right now since neither of us can hunt properly. We need to do this."

"W-What about Gale?"

He raised an eyebrow and then let out a hearty chuckle. "Gale? You really want him to hunt and then come here? Then you'd have to see him," he replied.

"I know but… it's still better than seeing my mother, the woman who wasn't even… there… after my father died. She can't even properly take care of her own family," I say stubbornly.

I admit that her not being there emotionally for me and Prim wasn't entirely her fault, but she still should've been able to see patients and help feed us. We would've died if it hadn't been for Gale, which brings me to my next issue. Gale bringing me meat wouldn't be so bad if he could just drop it off and leave, but Haymitch would tell him what happened and then I would never be able to shake him off. Then he'd keep pressuring me about going back to the Capitol. I couldn't deal with seeing neither of them but truth be told; Gale would be the better option. I just haven't been able to forgive my mother and I honestly don't think I ever will, but I'll still protect her no matter what.

"All that aside… she should probably check you out anyway, to make sure that you're okay, and maybe she can give you something to sustain you in the meantime."

"Are you saying this as a mentor or as my boyfriend?" I tested, curious.

He cupped my cheek and leaned down before he kissed me deeply, lovingly and then looked at me, his face serious. "Both, but I really am worried about you, Katniss. I don't want to lose you. You're all I have and I'll do anything to keep you around."

A part of me couldn't help but admire him for saying all this. I felt a pang of guilt as I started to remember my yelling at him earlier. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to have a temper tantrum earlier. I don't know what happened to me. I just… started feeling… furious and I couldn't control it," I said almost fearfully, searching his eyes for answers. "Am I becoming like Peeta?"

I felt like that was my worst fear, somehow getting hijacked and my whole sense of self disappearing. Having episodes of pure rage and feeling homicidal. I never wanted to become what Peeta did, someone with rewiring in their brain that made them attack the people they were supposed to love. I felt like I had so much resentment and anger towards people nowadays that if I was hijacked, I might just kill everyone left in District 12, and then go find Peeta and kill him too. My other worst fear though was killing Haymitch, but at least he could fight back, possibly stop me; the others wouldn't be able to.

"No, this is different. The Capitol hijacked him and turned him against you. You haven't gone to the Capitol and although they are advanced still, there's no way they could reach you from there. I think this goes deeper, like maybe things you've been afraid to say to me? I think it's just… a bunch of little annoyances about me combined with malnutrition. We'll get you taken care of and then we'll talk everything out, okay? We'll get this sorted out, I promise, Katniss."

I smiled weakly and nodded before pulling the sleeves of my sweatshirt over my hands, shivering. "C-Can you get me a blanket before you call her?"

"Of course," he answered before he grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and covered me with it. "There, is that any better?"

I nodded, even though it really hadn't made any difference. I just wanted to try and make up for earlier. I didn't want him to think that his trying wasn't good enough. I didn't want him to think like I was.

I watched as he threw another piece of wood on the fire to keep it alive and then heard his footsteps walk into the kitchen, dialing my mother at the hospital in District 4. I curled into the blanket that smelled like Haymitch and alcohol, the two things that were slowly consuming my being but I didn't care. They pretty much went hand in hand and I had grown accustomed to it that it felt more like I was home with him than anyone else. A few minutes later, he came back with a fresh cup of hot tea and I held it my hands to help keep them warm but I really just wanted to dump the scalding all over my body to heat it up some.

"Thank you. What'd she say?"

"She said that she'll take the train after she finishes with her one patient and she'll be here in a couple hours. She's going to try and get some meat from the Capitol and bring it back for you."

"The Capitol isn't near District 4… is she going to go to the Capitol first?"

"Since Snow died, the Capitol sort of spread themselves out some. There are at least two Heads of Administration located in each District now but they're still part of the Capitol. She'll just go talk to one, tell them the situation, and then the Head will give her the meat in ice to bring back here. They're pretty diligent about everything, especially when they're told who you are."

"I killed thousands of kids, Haymitch… how can they still look up to me after that?"

Haymitch sat down where my feet were and placed them on his lap before he began to try and warm them up with his large hands. "You know that you didn't kill them, sweetheart. We both know, and they know, that Snow killed them. It wasn't your doing, and you shouldn't blame yourself for their deaths, especially your sister's. Snow was a sick bastard that you took down and none of it would have ever happened if you and Gale and Peeta hadn't created a rebellion."

A small part of me wanted to start sobbing as I thought about Prim but it wouldn't do either of us any good and it would just exacerbate everything. I had to try and be strong. Whatever was going on inside of me was something I was having trouble controlling but I really wished that my emotion wasn't one of these things. I felt like a huge crybaby crying in front of him all the time. I felt like he would want me to be strong, as a mentor and a boyfriend. I felt like I was being selfish, and maybe I was.

"I know… and even though you lost your sister, you still saved future generations from going back into the Hunger Games."

I started to shake my head and held my tea cup tighter. "Not if Gale recruits them. He's trying to organize more Games and if he's able to do it, then the rebellion was for nothing and my sister died for nothing," I say softly, just feeling like giving up altogether right now.

Haymitch appeared to be at a loss for words as he silently massaged my feet. We sat there like that for several minutes before he spoke up again.

"If the Capitol makes him help him create another Hunger Games, then… we'll have another rebellion. We'll take them down and Gale, we'll have to. We'll keep fighting until they give up with the Games."

"They're not making him do it, though. He wants to. He says that it's for the good of Panem. He's giving all kinds of weird reasons why the Hunger Games is a good thing. I think they hijacked him too; Gale can't be doing this of his own accord. He's the one who was against the Games! He always talked about how sick it was…"

I took a long sip of my tea, remembering the conversation I had with him in the woods, debating whether or not I should tell Haymitch what he had asked me to do.

"I don't know what's going on with Gale and this whole Hunger Games. I haven't talked to him but he appears to be the same person emotionally he was before. It's not like Peeta where he has a drastic mental and emotional change. The Capitol programmed him to try and kill you and hate you but we found out that we could try to reverse it. If Gale… changes or gets worse, then maybe we can make him hate the Capitol again if he really was hijacked. Maybe we'll talk to your mother about it when she arrives," Haymitch seemed like he was trying to figure out the Gale puzzle now.

I just nodded and remained quiet, feeling like Haymitch just wanted to think to himself. After I finished my tea, I started to feel sleepy. I started to have a sneaky suspicion that he had drugged my tea with my leftover sleeping pills my mother had given me. I was too tired to really care though as I curled into the Haymitch scented blanket and made sure it was totally around me before I felt my eyes close once again.

Dreams of being in a world where only Haymitch existed filled my mind as I slept. It wasn't cold, but it also wasn't really hot. There was so much food, enough food to last our lifetime. Peeta and Gale didn't exist and best of all, there was no more Hunger Games. My mother was there, and she was happy because Prim was alive and there too. She had a smile on her face as I tucked her in at night in my dreamland and sang the lullaby she loved. There was no Capitol except for Cinna. He was still alive, and he told me that he was still betting on me. It was the happiest dream I've ever had until I woke up a few hours later hearing my mother's soft voice talking to Haymitch.

"Thank you, for calling me about Katniss. I'm grateful that you're taking such good care of her. I'm just sorry that I can't right now…"

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that she's never been there for me when I needed her and that nothing was ever going to change. I wanted to scream that taking care of other patients and ignoring and abandoning me wasn't going to bring Prim back, but I just made myself go back to sleep again instead. I've found that sleeping is the best way to ignore everything and everyone.

* * *

Hope it was an okay chapter for you guys :) Review on your way out!


	10. The Return of Peeta Mellark

Chapter Ten: The Return of Peeta Mellark

. . .

When I woke up again, I saw my mother sitting in front the couch dabbing my face with a warm washcloth. I had so many questions for her but I also had mostly just plain resentment and contempt for this woman. I felt conflicted; she was my flesh and blood, my family, and yet I didn't even want to see her ever again. I felt like she had abandoned me and suddenly, I felt the same way I felt before right after my father died in the mines. He didn't exactly abandon me the way Peeta and my mother had but the fact of the matter was that he left me alone to raise Prim while my mother went through her depression.

"How are you feeling, Katniss?"

I shrugged, honestly not feeling all that much better. "Where's Haymitch?"

An odd look reaches her eyes when I ask about him and then she takes off the washcloth before looking away uncomfortably before she begins to try to unwrinkle her dress she's wearing.

"I sent him away."

Those four words burned into under my skin as I tried to work out what she meant, but already knowing deep down what she meant. She was always doing this, always trying to control my life and the people in it. My anger began to rise and I felt a heaviness in my chest as panic began to surface.

"Where? Where did you send him away to?"

She looked back at me with disapproving mother eyes. "Away, Katniss. He's not doing you any good here… he's letting you waste away and I can't… I can't lose another daughter."

Ignoring the dizziness I felt when I stood up and the brisk chilliness in the air, I turned on her, pushing back tears that were threatening to fall. "Where is he?! Where is Haymitch?"

She slowly stood up and placed a hand on my arm but I took a step back, determined to get answers. "Stop it. Don't you dare touch me… tell me where the hell he is! This is his house! You can't just… send him away somewhere!"

"You can't talk that way to me! You're my daughter and I'm your mother and I know your situation with Haymitch. I can't let you two stay together like you were, Katniss. It's not right! He's old enough to be your father!" My mother argued, her own fire rising up inside of her.

I can feel myself begin to rip apart at the seams that were holding me together. Haymitch had been my stitches after Prim died and my mother left to District 4. He had been keeping me alive and in love and now he was gone. Why hadn't he been able to stand up to my mother, though? I didn't understand; why didn't he even try to fight for me? I always figured she'd be intimidated by Haymitch's appearance but apparently, he had just caved. I shoot daggers at her and wish that looks really could kill.

"You had no right! I am old enough to make my own decisions! I love him and he loves me and age shouldn't matter!"

"You're still 17, Katniss! By Panem law, you are still in my care!"

I shake my head in disbelief. None of this can be happening right now. Haymitch can't really be gone. Where would he even go? I can't imagine him even going to the Capitol. He hated it as much as I did.

"I'll be 18 in two weeks and if I was still in your care, then where the hell were you?! You were in 4 taking care of people in the hospital but why didn't you take me with you if I was so damn important to you?! If you loved me much, then why didn't you take me with you there instead of abandoning me here and leave to rot and have night terrors of Prim? You don't think her death affected me as much as you?"

I was screaming at her now but I couldn't stop. My hands shook with anger but knowing I could never actually hurt her. I know that Prim would never have wanted me to do that. She looks at me with an almost fearful expression and even goes as far to take a step back before her courage comes back.

"You don't understand… she wasn't your child. She was your sister! You didn't –"

"I didn't what, mother," I immediately cut her off. "I didn't… raise her?! I didn't keep her alive? Don't you dare tell me what she wasn't to me! She was my best friend and the only person I loved here since dad died! You were never there for us after his death! You crawled inside yourself and became stone! If it hadn't been for me and Gale, she would've died!"

Her lip is trembling and tears are rising in her own eyes. I know my words are cutting her like glass but I can't help it. She must know that she wasn't mother of the year. She had to know.

"Maybe…. Gale is a better match for you instead of Haymitch," she abruptly changes the subject.

I can't believe what I'm hearing now. This is not happening. This is a nightmare. I'll wake up and Haymitch will be lying beside me, holding me close to him and my mother won't be here. Maybe even Prim will be alive.

"This isn't about Gale! I don't want anything to do with him! Did you know that he's working with the Capitol and he's even trying to help them create another Hunger Games? How does that feel, to know that all of our efforts to bring them down is shot to hell and that Prim died in vain?!"

She brings her hand to her mouth and she looks shocked to the point of distressed by this news. Something tells me that no one had told her and that District 4 didn't have the greatest source of communication with anyone else. I thought for sure Gale would've told her his plans.

"Katniss… this is… wrong. You being with him wasn't right! I had to do something! Haymitch living with you is just… not right. This is because your father left you and you're just looking for a father figure."

I look at her in disbelief. "You have to be kidding me, mother! No! Don't even make this into me having… 'daddy issues'," I air quote the last two words. "Because that's not what me being with him is! I love him and like it or not, we were happy together! Tell me where he is!"

"Katniss, what are you thinking of doing? You can't be serious! You're sick and you need to rest!"

I gently push her aside and despite my condition, I manage to walk into Haymitch's bedroom and get a thermal long sleeved winter shirt on and then my jacket that Cinna had made for me. I leave on my hunting pants and then begin to get my boots on. I know I need to find him. I need to tell him to come back.

"Maybe if you hadn't told him to leave in the first place, I wouldn't have to go anywhere! This is your fault! You can't control my life like this! I'm going to go find him and bring him back here!"

She begins to follow me around the house until she eventually grabs my arm and stops me from moving around. "I-I'm… I'm sorry, Katniss," she just about whispers, her cold hands finding their way to my cheeks. "I'm sorry."

I search her face, my heart racing as my head keeps reminding me that I'm wasting time with every passing minute I stay here. "For what…?" I test her.

She looks at me with a saddened look that is laced with determination and concern before she calls out. "Gale! You can come in now…"

I turn to the door and look to see Gale right in the middle of the doorway. My mom planned this whole thing. She knew I was going to want to look for Haymitch, I begin to realize. She planned Gale to stop me.

I walk past her quickly and then over to the door in front of Gale. "Get out of my way, Gale!"

"Your mother's right, Katniss. You can't go right now. You're sick, and you need to rest for awhile. You need to get your strength back…"

I made a move to duck under his arms that were blocking my escape but he grabbed me around my waist quickly and pulled me back into the house. I couldn't help but feel like a prisoner in Haymitch's home, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to feel.

"No! Let me go, Gale! Damn it! Stop! I need to go find him!"

He hung onto me so unnecessarily tightly that I could feel bruises begin to form on my hips from his grip. "No you don't, Catnip! You need to rest! Haymitch called your mother for a reason!"

I'm still fighting with him, fighting to stay in the area of the open doorway so I at least still have a chance to escape but it's not looking good. I'm so close that I can feel the brisk cold air on my face, giving me goosebumps on my arms. He picks me up and I'm doing everything I can think of in my current state; scratching, punching, biting wildly. I have one mission and I know if I don't get out of here right now, Gale and my mother are going to lock me in here forever so I can't find Haymitch.

I'm about to give up hope when I feel Gale's grip loosen and then drop, as I end up doing onto the floor as well. I look up behind me to see what caused him to let me go and I see Peeta, elbowing, punching, and then getting Gale into a locked position with one arm behind his back at an almost painfully awkward angle and then I hear him cry out in pain.

"Katniss! GO! You need to go find Haymitch!"

I look at him, utterly bewildered. How did he know about Haymitch leaving? I quickly get up and slowly head towards the door backwards, looking at the three people in my life, all that I used to love at some point a long time ago.

"Peeta, what's going on?" I ask him desperately. "What's happening?"

"I was caught by one of the Heads from the Capitol when I left and they told me about how they're going to reinstall the Hunger Games again… you need to stop it!"

I was still confused and not making any connections as my mother just watched us with an uncertain but fearful expression, as if she was unsure if she wanted to tango with batshit crazy Peeta. It was right now as Peeta had Gale still in the lock that I was grateful for all the training we had gotten before our Games and right before we went into combat. I didn't have to worry about Peeta getting hurt by Gale.

"Peeta, I don't understand! What does Haymitch have anything to do with this?! Is he at the Capitol too?"

"Katniss, the Capitol is making him mentor whichever kid gets picked for the next Hunger Games! You need to take them down again!"

It finally clicked and it made sense. Haymitch was still a Victor and he still had to mentor the ones who were picked from District 12. Or was the Capitol just going to assign him to mentor a person from a random District? Either way, it didn't look good for him, and even me. In my state, I knew I wouldn't get far before I was either caught by someone or died from starvation.

"Come with me, Peeta," I found myself almost begging. I had said this in such a soft voice though that I didn't think he had heard me.

Peeta looked at me with an unsure expression. "What?"

I was quiet for awhile before I gathered up my courage and said the proposal louder. "Come with me! I won't get far alone!"

He glanced at my mother who predictably just stared back at him, helpless. Then he looked down at Gale who couldn't even see him, but was still whimpering in pain, before he finally looked back at me.

"No… you can't afford to have me come with you. I might… kill you or get you killed. Just go, Katniss. You can do this alone!"

I shake my head, knowing that he doesn't even fully believe what he just said. He is just trying to look out for my best interest, for whatever reason. I swallow hard, feeling unsure of myself for the first time in awhile but the urge to look for Haymitch is so strong. I need help. I do, even though I hate to admit it to myself. Peeta and I have had our confrontations but if nothing else, he's good for manpower. His muscles are stronger than mine, he knows basic combat maneuvers, he can shoot, and he can stop me from doing something stupid. I know that he's someone useful that I could really use right now.

"Peeta, we need to go. Let go of Gale and let's go right now!" I urge him, hearing my heartbeat pounding in my ears. "Help me and I'll owe you! Please!"

His expression changes and I know that I won him over with me owing him part. At this point, I am so desperate to go find Haymitch and stop the Games that literally do anything. He releases Gale from his hold and backs out before taking my bow and arrows that are outside the door, and then looking at them cautiously, as if Gale is going to try to stop us. I stand behind Peeta, using him as a human shield in case Gale decides to try anything, but to my surprise, he doesn't.

I watch Gale nurse his shoulder and fall to his knees, grimacing in pain. My mother goes over to the door and shuts it before I can only guess she attends to him. I look at Peeta and search his eyes before I gently take the bow and arrows from him but he stops me.

"You can't shoot them…"

I feel like this is that one moment in our first Games together where he took my braid between his fingers and affectionately slid them down my hair, but he doesn't do that right now.

"You can't either, Peeta," I speak softly, carefully so I don't ensue another attack from him.

He begins to walk quickly with me hurrying to catch up and we're both quiet for a long time before he turns to me, still walking. "Maybe… you can teach me? If I'm going to be with you through this, I need to be able to fight until we can get our hands on guns or something."

I swallow hard and feel my heart stop. I begin to think about how much dangerous Peeta could potentially be with a bow. It's not even other people that I'm worried about, but myself. I wouldn't even normally care about my well being if I didn't know that Haymitch was alive, and somehow, Peeta was my connection to the Capitol, and therefore, he was also my connection to the man I love. I had no choice but to trust him.

"Yeah," I nod, searching his face. "I think that's a good idea too."

He gives me a weak smile and I can tell that he knows exactly what I'm thinking but doesn't dare say it. If either of us actually says what might happen if Peeta had a full blown rage episode and then turned the bow onto me, then it might make it happen. At least that's what is going through our minds.

We begin to run towards the train station through the cold. Since the end of the rebellion, I know that the new government made the Capitol train accessible to anyone who wanted to take it there. It wasn't as much as a luxury than a dare.

I stood by Peeta, close at his shoulder just after I looked around the station and realized that there were several Peacekeeper copycats around. My guess was that they were just downgraded to make sure that there were no muggings or stabbings instead of really working for the Capitol but they still had tasers and batons and still looked pretty damn intimidating. He must have sensed my uneasiness because I felt Peeta gently place a hand on the middle of my back to guide me onto the train.

Once we got on and found our seats, I looked at him."Why are you helping me? The last time we saw each other, you tried to kill me."

He sighed softly and ran a hand through his hair before he looked back at me. "I'm helping you because… no more kids should have to die to make the Capitol happy. It shouldn't go back to how it was. Your sister shouldn't have died in vain if they're still going to keep up this massacre of innocent lives."

I nod in admiration of his selflessness and I'm starting to like him more as a friend than I liked Gale. At least Peeta believes in a true cause that would save thousands of innocent lives. Gale actually believed that the Hunger Games was a way of population control and Peeta really believed that the Games was just another version of Hell on Earth. He had my back during the rebellion and hearing him say that made me know that he had my back now.

I pour both of us mugs of hot chocolate that they still have fresh on the train for anyone, not even just for the Games tributes, and give one to him. We dip our hot rolls into it and begin to eat and talk just as the train begins to start up and roll forward.

"What's the game plan once we get there?"

He thought for a moment before finishing off a roll. "I guess we find an abandoned house, take it as our own, and… practice shooting some. I'm sure we can find some food somewhere."

"That's not what I mean, Peeta," I said patiently, taking a second and even a third roll. "I mean, what about Haymitch? How are we going to help him get back to District 12 if they have him pretty much hostage?"

Peeta's eyes looked terrified but I knew he was trying to keep a calm composure for my sake. "I don't know. I haven't thought it all out yet…"

I sighed and shook my head, beginning to feel like our efforts were going to be useless. A sinking feeling was growing in the pit of my stomach and I had a bad feeling about all of this. I had doubts with all the holes in our superficial plan to save Haymitch. I ran my fingers through my hair and then placed my face in my hands, feeling cold and exhausted.

"How much do you love him, Katniss? Haymitch, I mean."

I looked at him curiously and almost a bit cautiously. "A lot. I love him a lot, Peeta…"

He nodded in understanding, maybe feeling the same love for me at one point. "We'll find him, Katniss. We'll find him and take him back home and he won't have to be a pawn in the Capitol's games anymore."

"What if he decided to go against them? What if they killed him? I'm… really scared, Peeta. If anything happened to him… I don't know what I'll do."

Peeta looked at me with sadness laced in his eyes. "I promise we'll find him but you need to try and trust me right now. Don't do anything stupid and help train me with your bow. If you can do those things, then I think we have a shot."

I didn't have any choice right now except to believe him. He's right; I need to trust him to find Haymitch but it's difficult when he's tried to kill me several dozen times. He knows this, I know he knows this, but at least while I'm with him, I have a chance of getting him back. I give a weak smile, nod, and then take another drink of the hot chocolate, simultaneously warming my hands before I stare out the window, wishing I had Haymitch to call me sweetheart in his sarcastic tone and encourage me right now. He kept me alive after we came back the first time, and the second time, so now as far as I see it, it's my turn to help him, and pray that the Capitol hasn't brainwashed him too.


	11. A Change of Scenery

Chapter Eleven: A Change of Scenery

. . .

I watched the scenery outside as we sped past it at 200 miles an hour in the train and I knew we were almost there. I could feel anticipation and eagerness but it was laced with hesitance and nervousness as well. I then realized that I had no idea what to expect at the Capitol. The last time I was there, it was filled with gunfire, dead bodies, Peacekeepers, and President Snow. It wasn't the same city it had been before.

I turned to Peeta who was watching out the window. "What's it like at the Capitol, Peeta? We don't even have guns or anything… all we have is a bow and some arrows, and… I can't even shoot it."

He glanced over at me and searched my face with what looked like confusion. He was quiet for awhile before he took a piece of candy and placed it in his mouth. I had lost my appetite for the moment as my anxiety took over.

"It's not really a war zone anymore, Katniss. Things have changed. There are still Peacekeepers but they have boundaries. The Head Peacekeeper is in charge of keeping newcomers under control, but… everyone knows who you are, so I'm pretty sure that they'll listen to you if you tell them what to do."

It came to me when he said that he didn't have an idea what would happen. "Peeta, haven't you been here before? I took you along because I figured you knew the way and you knew what everyone was like there. If you can only tell me that you're 'pretty sure' about anything, then that doesn't really help me," I almost yelled at him but somehow managed to keep calm.

Inside I was seething. How could I trust him between his unknowing and his rages? He was going to get me killed and it seemed like this would be a good time to do it, when I didn't have any protection around to help me; no Haymitch, no Gale, no mother… only Peeta and the Capitol, and I knew for damn sure that even they weren't too keen on me. There had to be someone in Snow's place if they were talking about more Hunger Games, and I had to be ready and prepared for that.

"I'm sorry, Katniss. What do you want me to tell you? I've been trying to do my best not to go back there so they wouldn't be able to hijack me again. If they knew that I was helping you t take them down again… we'd both be dead. You're not the only person at risk here!"

I forced myself to look back outside, seeing the Capitol buildings become bigger and bigger as we traveled closer. Out of all the Districts, it became apparent that the Capitol had been the quickest and most proficient to have had rebuild their city. Of course that had been the way it was; the people there wouldn't have had it any other way.

"I think we should split up once we get there, Peeta," I nearly whispered to him, my mind racing a mile a minute as I tried to think ahead.

"I know you want to find Haymitch but I don't think splitting up is the best way to go about this. As soon as they see you, they're going to be cautious and on guard. They'll know what your plans are. I think it's better if we stay together."

I'm weary of his plan to stay close but then maybe he's right. The Capitol may not be as leery upon seeing him wandering around, and if I'm with him, maybe he can convince them I'm not a threatening force. I nod in agreement and take a deep breath.

"Okay, fine. I think you should tell them that you've convinced me the Hunger Games are a good idea. You should tell them that I came over on yours and Gale's side. That way, I'll have more time to find Haymitch and figure out a plan to take down the Capitol again."

He sighed exasperatedly and turned to me, shaking his head. "How long are we going to do this, Katniss? How long are we going to keep fighting them? They're just trying to protect us."

"You know what, Peeta; you're really starting to sound like Gale. Whose side are you even on? I need you on my side! If we're going to do this, I need to know that I can trust you. I need to know that you'll have my back, Peeta," I felt helpless and I felt like everyone was against me.

I needed Haymitch right now more than ever, but mostly, I just needed to see that he was still alive. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had defied the Capitol and they had put him to death and made him a mutation in their Games. I needed to stop these Games from happening ever again and if it took me having to kill every single person that was against me, then so be it; I was ready and Peeta would be my muscle power.

"Alright, fine. I have your back, but we need to start out by finding a place to hide out in first. I have a house that's not too far from the Capitol building and we can help you get your strength back without anyone being suspicious. It's far enough away where we can still work you out and everything," Peeta tried to reassure me.

I wasn't sure what to make of this. It didn't really sound like a solid plan and I was eager to go find Haymitch right off the bat. I pushed down my determination for now, feeling so chilled to the bone that I was having trouble feeling my fingers. I motioned for him to lead the way as soon as the train stopped at the station and the doors opened. As we walked, I took in my new surroundings.

The Capitol was no longer the colorful, bright world that it used to be. There was no one in tinted eyelashes or brightly dyed hair jobs; no colorful dresses or brightly hued accessories. It was like the life was sucked out of this place since Snow had been brought down but maybe it was the opposite: maybe people just realized how pathetic they were before and a brightly colored wardrobe no longer mattered but staying alive did. Under President Snow, the Capitol citizens didn't feel threatened. Maybe it was more dangerous to feel safe. Now, they were aware that any of them could die at any time without a second thought.

As we walked down the streets in the brisk cold, I made sure I remained close to Peeta's side so we wouldn't get separated. "Why do you have a house near the Capitol?"

He glanced over and gave me an odd look. "Because I needed a place to live while I was here…?"

"Yeah, but… why did you come here, where they hijacked you in the first place? Why come back to the Capitol?"

"I'm sorry, Katniss, I wasn't aware that you just came with me here to interrogate me," Peeta replied with a coldness in his tone.

He began to walk faster down an alleyway but I followed him closely like a loyal dog. "Excuse me, but you agreed to come with me, not the other way around. Anyway, I'm just curious. The last thing I need for you right now is to find out that you're helping Gale and the Capitol and working against me!"

He was quiet and didn't say another word to me until we made it inside a small house that wasn't in direct sight of the Capitol building, but also not too far from it either. He turned on a single light in the kitchen and then turned on a couple of floor lamps in carefully positioned areas of the house.

"Give me some credit, Katniss. I know I may have tried to kill you every chance I got but I've always been on your side. Always, and you should've seen that when I helped you get away from Gale and your mother. Why was she there anyway?"

I walked towards the empty fireplace and began to compile thin pieces of kindling to light a fire in hopes of warming the place up a bit. "She was there to scare off Haymitch and to try to ruin my life," I answered a bit more bitterly than I meant to sound.

He must have been able to sense my resentment towards her because he changed the subject. "I figure that tonight you can wash up and rest, and tomorrow we can start working to get your strength back up to where it was before."

He sounds far off and after I finish starting a fire I look over and see him in the kitchen, making tea for the two of us. I stand up, dust myself off and walk over to sit down on the small couch across from the fireplace.

"I want to go look for Haymitch tomorrow," I say in a soft, almost sad voice as I think about my boyfriend and what he's doing right now. I hear quick paced footsteps and look over to see Peeta almost storming over.

For a few seconds, I'm sure he's going to start screaming at me or fly into one of his rages, but to my surprise, he keeps his cool and even looks a bit sincere when he sits down in an armchair next to me.

"I know you do, but I think it's important we get you strong again in case we run into trouble, you know? At least then, you'll be able to have a fighting chance to find him."

I nod in understanding, despising how right I know he is. My love for Haymitch is making me want to do stupid things I wouldn't normally do in any other circumstance. I realize that this was probably one of the reasons why I was afraid to let anyone get close to me; I was terrified that it would make me a weaker person and make me do stupid things that could endanger the both of us. I hold the tea in my hands as we sit side by side, quiet for the longest time. There's a part of me that feels empty and broken because Haymitch feels like he's miles away from me. Another part of me is fighting the overwhelming urge to ditch Peeta tonight and sneak off to find him, but I swear I can hear Haymitch's response to me once I might find him.

_That was a very idiotic and dangerous thing you did, sweetheart._

I imagine him being upset at me but also grateful to see me again. That is, unless the Capitol already hijacked him too. I try to distract myself by taking a sip of hot tea and I feel it warm my insides almost automatically.

"It's going to be okay. We'll find him. I promise you we will," Peeta speaks up after a long time, as if he can read my mind.

"I-I know," I stammer unexpectedly before clearing my throat and turning to look at him. "What if the same thing happened to him that happened to you? What if… w-what if he tries to kill me, Peeta?"

There's a shakiness in my voice that I can't hide as I admit one of my worst fears to him. I wouldn't be able to deal with Haymitch trying to kill me for two reasons; one, he's so much stronger than me that he might even succeed in finishing me off. Two, it would hurt me so much more emotionally than it hurt me to see Peeta hijacked and brainwashed that I wouldn't be able to even be around him anymore.

I feel him put his free arm around me and gently force me into a side-hug that I reluctantly give into eventually, just needing some reassurance and comfort. What I don't really expect him to do, however, is place a kiss on my forehead that I barely feel, but I do.

"They won't hijack him like they did with me, Katniss. He's still valuable to the Capitol. He has ties there and the worst thing they can do now is make him mentor another tribute from our District in future Hunger Games."

"Thanks, Peeta… but I'll be fine," I lie, not wanting to admit to him that he's unknowingly making me feel worse about the whole situation. "I just… want to know that he's alive, and then I'll go."

"Go where?"

I look at him and realize we're inches apart, staring into each others' eyes. "Back home, Peeta, where I belong."

"What about Haymitch? Do you not care if he comes back with you or not?"

I felt abashed by his questions and slightly offended. "Of course I care about him but he's a grown adult. I can't control if he wants to come back with me or not. I let him make his own decisions."

Peeta nods and becomes quiet again. "You're right, I'm sorry, Katniss. I guess I'm just tired."

I want to mention to him that I didn't make him come with me. I want to say that he didn't have to babysit me. I don't say that I want him to just leave me alone so I can focus on doing my own thing here. I don't say that I wish he wasn't helping me at all. I don't say any of these things because I just want tonight to be over. The sooner I can let Peeta help me get my strength back, the sooner I can go look for Haymitch. Haymitch is what really matters right now.

"It's fine, Peeta. Let's just… drink our tea and get some sleep," I say softly as I quickly down the rest of my now lukewarm tea and stand up before taking my mug out to the kitchen.

He gets up and follows me into the room and interrupts my thoughts of when Haymitch and I first made love, starting in the kitchen. I turn around and almost jump at how close he's standing in front of me. I feel my heart racing in my chest but not out of anticipation or love. I think I'm actually scared of him but I maneuver myself out of the way, heading towards the only bedroom in the small house. I take off my pants and shoes but keep my shirt on before I crawl into the bed. As I'm lying in it, I breathe in the pillow that smells vaguely like Peeta and nothing like Haymitch, even though we all come from the same place. The bed is twice as small as Haymitch's back home. I close my eyes, willing myself to sleep even though I don't feel all that tired.

I wake up some time in the night, or morning to feel a body lie down beside my own and then spoon me. I feel myself stiffen slightly at the feel of him, not having expected Peeta to join me. I was so used to Haymitch's mannerisms that I had stupidly assumed that Peeta would take the couch. I swallow hard when I feel his breath on my neck and his hand on my hip, touching it ever so gently. His touch seems so foreign to me now that it just symbolizes everything that was wrong with our relationship. The only touch that I'm reminded of when I think of him is every time he tried to kill me. Panic rises in my chest and I take the hand that's on the same side as his and try to gently lift it off my hip but he holds himself firmly in place.

I don't know what he's doing now because it doesn't seem like he's trying to kill me but it feels like he wants to be in control because he never lets go. In fact, he moves closer against me and I instinctively try to roll off the bed but he grabs my arm just as I made it halfway off and let go of my hip at the same time, looking at me with soft eyes.

"I didn't want you to roll off and hurt yourself. I was just coming in to wake you up and ask what you wanted for breakfast," he spoke gently.

Confusion rose in me and I tried to relax myself. "Ummm…. eggs are fine."

I searched his eyes as he nodded and got up again before he left me alone in the room. I didn't move until I could hear him moving around in the kitchen. Had I imagined the whole thing? Had I imagined he was spooning me and trying to hold me in place? I shuddered uncomfortably as I remembered how his hands felt against my skin. I took a deep breath before forcing myself to get dressed again and then braided my hair before making my way out, trying to convince myself that my mind had played tricks on me. I sat down at the table just as he placed a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of me before sitting down to his own plate, giving me a small, timid smile. I weakly smiled back, suddenly feeling excited to be trying to get my strength back.

We ate in hushed silence and I finished everything on my plate for the first time in awhile. When I started to drink the coffee he had made, he began to talk.

"So, I thought maybe we could practice shooting targets to start off today."

"Target shooting? I need to regain my strength, Peeta. I don't care about shooting anyone at the moment."

"You can barely even lift and hold a bow! You need to practice and the more you hold your bow, then you're going to eventually start to gain muscle mass back too. It'll be good for you."

I took a drink of my coffee in resignation, knowing that arguing with him was pointless. I had been so worried about my plan to try to get Haymitch back that I had almost forgotten I had brought my bow and arrows with me. I glanced over at them as they leaned up against the lower cabinets and sighed to myself.

"What else are you going to have me do and how long is this going to take?"

Peeta chuckled weakly as he glanced at me, finishing up his eggs. "I figured I'd have you lift some big bags of rice from the storage containments nearby, running, jumping, all the strength training exercises pretty much we learned in training. It'll take as long as it needs to in order for you to put on some weight. You need to be able to fight if it comes down to it," he explained.

"You sound like Haymitch," I laughed weakly back, thinking about how he had always said similar things to me. I regretted what I said as soon as I said it.

I immediately began to think about Haymitch and what he was doing right at this moment while I wasn't with him. I started thinking of the Capitol people turning him into the mindless, violent robot as they had turned Peeta once upon a time.

"We need to focus on getting you back to your normal self before we can even think about Haymitch…" he said softly, standing up and placing his plate in the sink before taking my own.

"Yeah, you're right. Let's… get started then," I stood up and grabbed my bow and my arrows before making my way out behind the house. It was a small backyard but it was fenced him by tall boards so no one could see over the top.

I secretly wondered when he had done that. How long had he been planning my return here? It appeared like he was up to something. Maybe he was planning a second takedown of the Capitol?

While I waited for him, I started to string my bow carefully with shaking, weak arms. It took several tries to my dismay but I was finally able to string it and then placed my arrow on the string. I heard his familiar footsteps walk towards me and then saw him set a bag of grain on a rock and lean it against the fence. He walked back over and then stood by me with his arms folded in front of his chest.

"Alright, I want you to raise your bow up and keep your eye on the target…"

I was already starting to become impatient with him. "I know how to shoot a bow, Peeta. I don't need lessons from someone who can't even hunt."

I know the last part was a bit harsh but I couldn't help it. I felt like he needed a reminder of where he stood with me. I raised my bow that felt like it weighed more than me and shakily tried to keep it up, looking down at the target. I placed two fingers top and bottom of the arrow and then let go a lot sooner than I would've liked, causing it to fly off in a wayward direction.

"Damn it!" I cursed at myself, knowing I only had myself to blame for being so out of practice and shape.

"It's alright, Katniss. Just try again," Peeta encouraged me.

"Will you just shut up already, Peeta? I don't need your instructions or your encouragement. I know I can do this! It's not like I have a choice!"

He sighed softly and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm just trying to help."

"I know! Just… let me try and do this by myself, please," I added quickly, hoping he wouldn't think I didn't appreciate his help.

He put his arms up in surrender and stepped back. I grabbed a second arrow from my artillery and placed it on the string of the bow before raising the bow determinedly. I eyed the bag of grain for a long time and pretended it was Gale that was standing there at the end of my range. Gale, who thought the Hunger Games was now the best idea in the world. Gale, who wanted me to join them and live a Capitol life. Gale, who wanted my mother to talk sense into me and not go save Haymitch.

I took a deep breath through my nose and then let it out through my mouth silently before I let it go, watching it hit the bottom of the bag, splitting a small hole in the fabric and causing some grain to spill out of it. I was slightly disturbed at how I had managed to hit a fake Gale instead of hitting an inanimate object but I just chalked it up to everything I had learned in my training.

"Good job, Katniss. I knew you could do it. Try it again," Peeta kept on encouraging. I believe that he just wanted to see if it was a fluke.

I sighed and my arms started to shake again, but this time a bit more violently and I wasn't able to even string my bow. Starting to become frustrated at my own weakness, I felt tears well up in my eyes. It was now when I felt Peeta's breath on my neck again and knew he was standing close behind me. I felt him place his hands over mine as I held my bow and then helped place an arrow on the string before he helped hold my arms up for me so I could aim. It didn't feel patronizing to have him do this and I didn't even feel like he was doing it out of pity. What I felt was much worse; I felt like he was trying to weasel his way back into my life, by any intimate means possible. I felt a shiver run through me as I let go of the string and watched the arrow hit the center of the bag.

I swallowed hard and then felt him let go of me again and saw him smiling in approval before nodding in satisfaction. I stood there, feeling more confused than ever. What the hell was he doing? Was he purposely messing with my head? I was afraid to start accusing him of anything because I needed his help with this and I felt pathetic for feeling this way. The Capitol knew him and I felt like he was my only way of finding Haymitch without getting intercepted by anyone.

"T-Thanks," I said weakly, but tried to make it sound casual and just surprised. "But that was no fair, you helped me, Peeta. Let me try this one on my own."

I forced myself to relax again, taking in breaths and letting them out again evenly, matching the rhythm to my slowing heartbeat as I focused on the target. I hit it in the middle this time by myself but I continued to string my bow and hit the sack of grain until I ran out of arrows and the bag was punctured and bleeding out grain all over. After that, I could feel myself begin to sweat from the hard work I was putting in and the cool air that was making me want to work harder just to stay warm.

Peeta then made me do pushups on the ground until I couldn't feel my hands or my arms anymore and my whole body was shaking. I felt like I was going to die as I rolled over onto my back, pulling my sleeves over my hands as I breathed heavily, just wanting to rest.

"Come on! Get up, Katniss! We're not done yet,," he yelled at me, clapping his hands. I forced myself to stand up, my legs feeling like jelly and then looked at him with exasperation. He walked over to the several other bags of grain that lay on the ground and then forced two bags on top of each other before walking a few steps and doing it once again so there were four bags in front of me.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Take a running start and jump over the first bag before running again and jumping over the second one. It'll help you build up muscle in your legs. Do this until I tell you to stop."

I sighed but knew that I needed to do whatever it took to get my muscle mass back up. Peeta was right; if I needed to fight, I needed to be able to run and hit if need be. I started running and pushed my feet off the ground before I jumped over the first two bags and then ran a bit before doing the same with the last two ones. I ran in a circle back to the beginning and did this several more times until I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest and I couldn't breathe. It was only this time around noon when Peeta finally spoke to me again.

"Let's go back inside and I'll make us some hot chocolate."

I welcomed the invitation and followed him tiredly back inside, feeling the warmth of the house begin to warm my bones back up again. For the first time in such a long time, since the last Hunger Games, I felt more like myself again.

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I hope you enjoyed your early Christmas present from me to all my loyal reviewers/readers! Happy Holidays and I'll be back in action after Christmas!


	12. Broken Trust

_**A/N: I can't believe it was Christmas when I last updated this. I didn't expect to be going back to classes this semester so that's why I haven't had time to update until now. My bad, guys. I've probably lost all my followers but if you're still reading this, thank you so so much. I'm going to try to update faster and I'm thinking of ending this story here and continuing it with a sequel but I'm not totally sure yet. I just feel weird about having like 20 chapters.**_

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Chapter Twelve: Broken Trust

I woke up with one thing on my mind, or rather, one person. My thoughts began to turn as I thought about how I needed to find Haymitch and get him back. I started to wonder if he even was thinking about me like I've been thinking about him. Was he even trying to look for me or did he think it was better if he just went along with what the Capitol people wanted him to do? I kept trying to reassure myself that he still loved me and he was just trying to pacify the Capitol by taking his orders but it was becoming harder and harder to believe that he still cared about me. I instantly scolded myself; how was Haymitch supposed to find me when he didn't know I was even here? As far as he knew, I was still back in District Twelve.

"What's on your mind?"

I glanced over and saw tall Gale standing in the doorway, shirtless. His muscles seemed more prominent in the early sunlight and he appeared older than he really was. I smiled weakly and stood up before walking over to him, my muscles crying out in pain from yesterday's training session.

"Gale... what are you doing here? Where's Peeta?"

"He went back to Twelve. He said that someone should be there to help your mother and... I wanted to be here to help you. So here I am," he smirked.

My insides twisted like knives wrapping around my intestines, remembering our last encounter. "Why? Why do you suddenly want to help me find Haymitch? You were the one trying to keep my back home. I'm suddenly confused. Whose side are you on?"

"Yours! I'm on yours, always… but… sometimes you can't save everybody. Haymitch left you! The Capitol didn't bring personal guards to haul him away here! He left on his own accord."

I shook my head in disbelief. "He left because... my mother told him to leave. He left because of her."

Gale let out a weak chuckle now and ran a hand through his dark hair. He was quiet for a few moments before he finally spoke again. "Have you ever thought maybe he left because he didn't want to be with a tribute he mentored? Someone who was too young for him? Or maybe that he left because he knew it was the right thing to do?"

The panic within me grew stronger and took hold, gripping my insides unmercifully. I tried to not let the fear and tears meet my eyes but I involuntarily succumbed to both. "No… s-stop saying that, Gale! That's not true. He h-had to leave! The Capitol would've killed him if he refused to go!"

Gale's eyes seemed to darken now and he leaned closer to me. I almost shivered when I felt his hands on my arms. "I know you want to believe that he left our District because he had to against his will but there's something happening that's bigger than all of us. If the Hunger Games continue, it could save more lives than it kills! Think about it! If there's overpopulation in the District, half of us will die because there are too many mouths to feed! Haymitch mentoring again could save people!"

I shook my head in disbelief and I felt anger rise. No, there was something more intense than anger. It was rage. I struggled out of his hold on my arms and took a step back, my body shaking.

"Who are you, Gale?! Weren't you the one who boycotted watching the Games in the first place? You were so against it! You say that you weren't hijacked like Peeta was but you were! I don't even know this person standing in front of me!"

"You know me better than anyone, Katniss! Don't be like this! We need each other!"

"No, Gale. I'm used to being on my own. I don't need you. I need Haymitch and right now, he needs me too. I'm going to go find him once I get my strength back. You belong here! You belong in the Capitol so that you could help mentor the kids who will be Reaped next Hunger Games!"

I finally felt the tears running down my cheeks but I quickly wiped them away. They were tears of frustration and anger, not because I cared if he was on my side or not anymore. I was used to the whole Capitol being against me; what was one more person?

He moved closer to me and the anger disappeared from his eyes, being replaced with what I could only interpret as apology. "Katniss, let me help you. You can't get him back alone. You're only one person. I'm all you have."

I couldn't stop myself before a chuckle of disbelief escaped my lips. "You're all I have? Where the hell were you when my family and I were starving to death? Prim was just skin and bones and… you didn't even try to get us food. You hunted and kept the food for yourself and your family. I can't say I blame you but I would've at least given a bit to you if I had enough. Peeta was there for me! Peeta threw bread my way in the rain so I wouldn't die in the rain! Peeta – "

" – is psychotic! Look where he is now, Katniss! What is trying to do? He's been trying to kill you! Don't tell me what Peeta has done because from my angle, all it seems like he did was make your life a living hell!"

"He's only psychotic because of the Capitol! The Capitol did this to him, Gale! Can't you see that?! Everything is tied to this place! You said how Peeta made my life hell. Look around you, Gale! We are here! We are here in hell!"

He became quiet now for several minutes, perhaps realizing that we weren't going to budge on the others' side. We couldn't see eye to eye and we probably never would. He was too far gone, just like Peeta seemed to be too. I wiped away the stray tears and took the time to think. I wasn't strong enough to fight any of the guards yet, but I could feel myself getting there. I knew that I was strong enough mentally to do what I needed to do, that part of me wasn't clouded by my love for Haymitch. I had to go find him, and soon, with or without Gale. Could I really trust Gale right now though? I honestly wasn't sure. He seemed to be playing Devil's advocate but he seemed to be leaning on the Capitol side. I couldn't afford that risk. I couldn't afford to trust Gale and have it backfire in my face.

I took a deep breath and walked closer to him before I wrapped my arms around his strong body. I felt him hug me back and kiss my hair as I breathed him in like I used to do with Peeta. Then I forced myself to pull away from him and look him in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Gale, but I need to do this alone. Just let me stay here to train another day and then I'll go. You don't have to help me or anything."

He shook his head and sighed. "Don't be that way, Katniss. You know I'm going to help you train still. Stay here as long as you need, but don't be cold to me. I'll still help you when you need it. I'm not your enemy."

"I know, but… you can't help me with this, helping me find him. Just help me get stronger."

Gale nodded in understanding and then walked towards the kitchen, making us both mint tea. We talked for a couple hours about how life used to be in District Twelve, and then he helped me train for several hours until I couldn't feel my toes or fingers. Training was the part I enjoyed the most because I felt like the longer I trained, the closer I was to going out and finding my ex mentor. I didn't think about Peeta or my mother. I just thought about Gale and Haymitch, and getting my strength back, the strength I had during my first Hunger Games.

I was grateful when he let us go back inside as the sun set. After a warm cup of tea, he also had me go into the nearby forest to hunt and made sure we couldn't go back until I caught something. We ate rabbit stew back at the house and the warmth filled my bones with a coldness I had let seep in since Haymitch left.

"How are you feeling?"

"Stronger," I answered honestly, the ache reaching all throughout me but it wasn't as bad as I had experienced this morning. "I'm going to go to the Capitol Building and try to find him. Do you think he'll be in there if he's being forced to mentor again?"

I could see Gale choking back the words he wanted so desperately to say to me. I knew what he was thinking. He wasn't thinking 'forced.' He was thinking 'wanted to.' He just nodded and took another spoonful of soup, doing anything to keep his mouth busy from talking.

I looked down at my own supper and suddenly didn't feel hungry anymore. Gale didn't want me to love Haymitch. That was fine; I didn't care because I was going to love Haymitch no matter what, but the fact that Gale didn't even want to give me hope or encouragement was the most annoying thing that I couldn't avoid. He really was against me doing this and he didn't support me one hundred percent, like he was claiming. I really couldn't trust him to help me if I needed him. We ate the rest of our stew in silence and as soon as I was done, I stood up and walked into the bedroom to change my clothes. This was the last time I was going to be here. It was going to be the last night I smelled Gale on the bed and pillows and felt him around me.

I slipped out of my hunting pants but kept my shirt on before I suddenly felt eyes on me and smelled that familiar smell in the room. I felt goosebumps as I turned around and saw a look in Gale's eyes that I have only imagined appeared every time Peeta and I had kissed. It was a look of lust and longing.

Before I could say anything, Gale suddenly threw me on the bed and was trying to take my underwear off. I gasped and struggled, not having had any time at all to react to this animal like impulse. Everything was happening so fast, it was making my head spin. I struggled against him, trying to elbow him and kick him anywhere I could but none of my own attacks seemed to have any effect on him.

I whimpered as he suddenly put his hand on my mouth and suddenly plunged himself into me savagely. I screamed into his hand and ran my fingernails down his face in instinct, feeling powerless against his muscular body thrusting into mine.

"Shut up! Shut up, Katniss! This is the only way I know I'll be able to have you… don't worry, it'll be over quickly…"

I watched the blood run down his face from my nails and never ceased to try to get away from him but he just kept pulling me back or hitting me. I screamed again and felt him suddenly backhand me before he punched my mouth, breaking my lip. I coughed, tasting metallic in my mouth. The pain there was nothing to the pain I was feeling in other places. Something that had to have been my adrenaline suddenly surged and I pressed my fingers into his eyes, buying me time to kick his knee and slide out from under him, grabbing my underwear before I ran towards the bathroom door. I felt air glide by my neck just as I closed it and locked it.

"Katniss! Come out! I'm sorry, alright! Christ, Katniss… you know I didn't mean it! Come out… please?"

I sat on the floor, breathing heavily as I watched the shadow dance on the floor in front of the door, the pain between my legs feeling intense. Adrenaline was still flowing through my veins but panic and anger both filled my blood as I sat on the cold tiled floor. I knew that Gale had always been jealous of Peeta and I guess that I should've seen this coming. I knew what he was capable of but I had hoped it wouldn't have been this bad with him. It had only taken five minutes for our seventeen years of friendship to break apart.

I sat in there for what had to have been three hours, Gale's shadow disappearing after the first fifteen minutes of his attack. I had to get out of here but I was going to wait until first light. I wasn't sure how the Capitol was set up, who was still here and who had died or left altogether, so I didn't want to take the chance of being shot in the dark. I slipped my underwear back on and doctored my lip up the best I could, which was still pretty bad. I must have fallen asleep eventually because when I woke up, sunlight had started to peek in through the top window in the room. I groaned in pain as I forced myself to stand, a whimper escaping my mouth from the pain that had increased ten-fold between my legs. Involuntary tears welled in my eyes but I forced them to stay there, determined not to let Gale see me suffer. That was what he wanted.

I pulled myself together and quietly unlocked the door before sneaking my way into the bedroom where my bag was. I put my black pants on and my jacket Cinna had made for me before I put my boots back on. As I finished packing, I saw Gale enter the room and did my best to avoid eye contact with him.

"I'm going now. Don't you dare follow me, or I'm going to kill you, Gale," I warned, hating myself when I heard a sob almost escape my throat.

He didn't say anything, which I was thankful for. It made it easier to leave him. I walked out of the house and grabbed my bow and arrows before I started towards the Capitol Building, forcing myself to limp only slightly. If I showed anyone else my pain, it would be the perfect opportunity for those against me still to jump me.

As I walked down the gravel sidewalk, I cursed Gale in my head. I imagined shooting him with a thousand arrows and even that didn't seem good enough for him. I wasn't surprised he had done this to me but I should have been ready. I should have fought him off harder. I cursed my mother for trying to keep me away from Haymitch. I even cursed Haymitch for agreeing to go to the Capitol to mentor the fresh meat. I knew it wasn't right to curse him but I was just feeling so angry with everyone, except Peeta. For once, Peeta had been on my side to help me find my boyfriend. Peeta, of all people. I made a mental note to thank him once this whole ordeal was through but for now, I had work to do.

I finally made my way to the entrance doors, which I was surprised they weren't even guarded anymore like they used to be. I walked inside. The floor had been replaced by bright teal tiles that lead to the steps of the building. I half limped, half walked until I came to the Penthouse where I knew Haymitch would be staying. I looked around and then knocked. My hand had barely even met the oak door the third time when it opened and a voice yelled out.

"I told you not to interrupt me!"

I looked at him and felt shock when I saw him in just a towel, his scarred chest glistening with water droplets. "Haymitch… what…. what are they making you do?"

He stared at me, his eyes examining my bruised and broken face. He looked anxiously around and then stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him as he met me in the hallway. "Katniss! What the hell are you doing here, sweetheart? What happened to you?"

"Never mind me… I'm fine. Did the Capitol make you start mentoring someone? There hasn't even been a Reaping…. why didn't you leave a note or something? Do you know how worried I've been?!"

He sighed and his gray Seam eyes seemed filled with guilt. He ran his hands through his hair and then looked back at me. "Katniss, you shouldn't have come here. You need to go back home and you need to stay there."

I shook my head, wanting to know why he was showering and not even remotely happy to see me. I didn't like this at all and the sinking feeling in my chest confirmed what I was feeling. "Haymitch, let's go back home. W-We can go home together."

"No, we can't, Katniss. I told your mother to tell you not to follow me. The Capitol still wants me here."

"Well that's too bad! I want you back home more…" I know I was sounding selfish but it was only because I was panicked and half expecting Capitol guards to come up behind me and shoot me on sight.

The guilt in his eyes got worse and I should've left as soon as this happened. He placed his hands on my shoulders but his eyes were still looking at my split lip. "Katniss, I'm telling you this because I love you. Go. Home. Now."

Just then, the door behind him opened and a tall, slightly older woman leaned in the doorway with a matching green towel on as well, except hers covered her breasts and everything below them. I looked at Haymitch as things connected together. I didn't stop the tears from pouring down my cheeks now as I shook my head in disbelief.

"You've got to kidding me!" I screamed at him, unable to stop myself from pushing him as hard as I could, glad to have gained some muscle. "I can't believe this! I can't believe you! I thought you were better than this!"

"Wait, Katniss! Wait, honey! Stop!" Haymitch tried to grab my arms as I kept pushing him and punching his chest. The woman behind him showed no emotion except maybe boredom at the scene I was causing.

"NO! Don't you dare tell me to stop! You have no idea the hell I've gone through to find you! This is low, Haymitch… even for you!" I punched his chest again before I started to half run, half stagger down the hallway, wanting to get out of this place as fast as I could.

I heard footsteps follow behind me but it didn't take long before they gave up and went back into his room. I stopped in my tracks when I heard him yell and then the sound of glass and dishware breaking. I wanted to go back. I wanted to tell him I forgave him, but I couldn't do it. The Capitol had hijacked him from me, even if it wasn't in the same way as Peeta or Gale. They had managed to hijack the one person I honestly didn't think could be hijacked ever. I had once again underestimated them. I had underestimated everyone I thought had been my friend. I started walking again and didn't stop this time until I made it back to the train station.

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**EDIT: I edited this chapter because I realized how much sense it didn't make so please read it again if you're a loyal follower of this story. I apologize.**


	13. Savior

_A/N:_ Just a few things before you continue on to this chapter!

**1.) I edited the last chapter because I realized that it was a bit confusing and I'm not sure what really happened with it so PLEASE go back and re-read it before reading this chapter!**

2.) I've decided to write a couple more chapters in this fic but I plan to make a sequel.

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Chapter Thirteen: Savior

. . .

I couldn't remember even walking onto the train and taking a seat when it started to move. My eyes glanced around and when I realized there was no one else in my compartment, I finally let myself cry and even scream into my hands a few times. I know I was being dramatic but I felt like I deserved this moment after what Gale did to me and then Haymitch. I had put too much trust in both of them and I had invested so much of my life and my heart in both of them just to have everything go to shit. Maybe it was my own fault; maybe I was just too naive. I let myself be vulnerable with them but it was Haymitch that I felt the most lost without. He had helped me grow as a person. He had been a mentor, a friend, and most of all, a lover to me. He had put up with all my crap and I returned the favor without hesitation. Maybe that was what love really was, someone who didn't mind carrying your baggage around and vice versa.

At least three hours had gone by and it was this time when I knew we were close to District Twelve finally. I composed myself the best I could before I forced my aching body to stand up, whimpering in pain slightly as I made my way towards the doors. It was going to be the first time in a long time where I would actually be grateful to see my mother again. It would be the first time in years where I was actually going to let myself run to her, sort to speak. I held onto the metal bar for support as the train came to a smooth halt, the doors sliding open. I crossed over onto the concrete and then started to trudge back to the house I used to share with Haymitch. His house was the only place I realized I truly felt at home and even if he was going to back stab me like this, at least I could feel safe in his place. Besides, he would have to come back eventually.

I entered his house and saw my mother rise from the chair in the kitchen, her eyes red and puffy. Maybe she had never stopped crying since I ran away. She slowly walked over to me as I walked over to her and we met at the middle in the living room.

"Katniss… what on earth happened to your face? Sit down on the couch so I can patch you up."

I obeyed her only because I didn't have the mental or physical strength to fight against her right now. I sat down and watched as she composed a damp washcloth and some antiseptic cream to cleanse me of dirt and grime and dried blood.

"Who hurt you, Kat?"

I felt my sore legs involuntarily clench together and I tried to hold back any signs of sobbing but my lip was already trembling as she started to wash my face off. "G-Gale… m-mom… he… he hurt me…."

Her eyes widened and looked in me in utter confusion. "Why? Why would he hurt you?"

"Because he took your side! He was always on your side, mother!" I suddenly started crying again. I instantly regretted it because I knew I wasn't crying out of internal pain; I was crying out of anger. She was supposed to be on my side and it felt like she had turned him against me.

She bit her lip and took my face in her hands, gently thumbing my dirty cheeks before looking me in the eye. "Did… d-did he hurt you anywhere else?"

I let out a shaky breath and closed my eyes tightly before nodding, not having the heart to look into her eyes when I told her. "H-He… he raped me, mom…." My breath caught and turned into a sob as tears fell and made trails through the grime on my cheeks.

Even though I had grown up in this District, being sexually abused or assaulted was still a relatively known subject. We had a health class and were told what it meant to be abused or assaulted this way, the signs, and the things that would or could happen. We were well informed but of course none of us actually expected it to happen to any of us.

When I forced myself to look back at my mother, I saw tears filling her own eyes and her own lips trembling. "M-Mom… please… p-please don't cry," I begged, feeling like shards of glass were piercing my heart every time I saw her cry.

She took a few moments and tried to compose herself the best she could before she brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes and then kissed my forehead, lingering there. "Lay down, Katniss… I-I need to examine you."

I nodded in understanding, the pain between my legs starting to feel unbearable now. I felt like just another one of her patients and I was actually grateful for this. If we separated our feelings to that extent instead of a mother/daughter relationship, the situation didn't seem that bad. She knew how strong I was but she didn't know that I had stopped feeling anything emotionally apart from sadness. Sadness had crept into my bones once again and started to wrap its vines around my muscles, compressing them so I was nothing except depressed.

I slowly lay down on the couch and forced my legs apart so she could make sure nothing had been severely damaged. I've seen her examine other women behind a curtain but I bet everything I had that she never expected to have to ever examine her own daughter. I felt her poking and prodding me with her instruments she constantly carried, as the District medicine woman, and was proud that I only cried out in a pain a couple times.

She covered me with the couch blanket but I pulled my pants up anyway. "Well… it looks like you have some tearing, but that should heal itself as long as you take it easy. It didn't look like there was severe damage e-either but… Katniss…. I know you don't want to think about this possibility, but… if you do become pregnant –'

I looked up at her, my own tears at bay again. "I won't. I mean, he was only able to do it for a few minutes and… I know he didn't… finish because I was able to kick him and get away."

She nodded in a way I could only guess was relief. I wanted to wallow in my own turmoil as I thought about Haymitch but I could tell she wasn't going to let me do that right now unless I said something. "Mother, I'm okay. I got away. He can't hurt me anymore."

She nodded but looked away before standing up and ran her fingers through her dirty hair. I saw her shoulders shaking as she walked towards the fireplace and I forced myself to sit up, but not without cringing.

"This would not have happened if you had not run away, Katniss."

I looked at her in disbelief and I felt my anger rising once again. "Don't. Don't you dare tell me that! I had to find the boyfriend that you chased off! You made him go back to the Capitol and if you hadn't ever done that, then maybe I wouldn't have to go looking for him! Maybe this is your fault that Gale raped me!"

I knew it was harsh but the words slithered out of my mouth before I had time to bite them back and swallow them. It was too late to take it back now and for a moment I almost believed the words. She looked at me with hurt in her matching Seam eyes but a part of me felt that if Haymitch was still here then Gale might have never raped me.

"Is that how you really feel, Katniss?"

"Yes! It is, mother… you drove him away!" I suddenly screamed at her, unable to control the sudden rage I was feeling towards her. "You drove Haymitch away because you couldn't stand to see me happy because you weren't happy!"

Suddenly, my mother turned to me sharply and said something that I hadn't expected to hear. "I wasn't happy because Prim died! My second born daughter died because you couldn't get to her fast enough! She was blown to bits because of you! You can blame me all you want but in the end, it's your fault I'm so miserable!"

Her words cut through me like shards of glass, like shrapnel cutting through my body. I don't know what I had expected her to say but that was not it at all. The hurt turned itself into anger and froze my veins to ice. "Get. Out," I growled in a shaky voice.

She looked at me with fiery eyes before she slammed the door on the way out. I looked down and saw my hands trembling but I felt numb. I had always blamed myself for Prim's death but this was the first time my own mother had actually ever placed the blame on me for it. I grabbed the blanket and pulled it over my head before I lie down on the couch and let the fire warm me up again. I made sure my feet and hands were both covered before I let myself finally sleep, forcing myself to fall into a dream land where I could be whatever I wanted in a land where I had Haymitch once again.

_**OoOoOoOo**_

When I finally woke up again, it was dark and the sun had already set, the fire had burned itself out. The room was almost pitch black and the cold made me shiver. I turned out the dimmer switch between the kitchen and living room just to have some form of light in the room, no matter how small. I stood there for a long time with mixed emotions. A part of me wanted to be alone to rot in Haymitch's house, perhaps event to let myself die in there, but there was a stronger part of me that didn't want to be alone; this part of me wanted someone to be here for me. I was being selfish on all levels. I knew I was, but I was making up for years and years of looking out for my own family and not taking care of myself. Maybe I deserved this; maybe I deserved to be alone. It really was my fault that Prim died. I hadn't ever thought this to such an extent but hearing the words come from my mom made it seem real.

I didn't think I would be able to sleep so I started ransacking the house, looking for any alcohol I could find, just to help me sleep. I opened all the cabinets in the kitchen until I saw a glint of a bottle in the lower cabinets under the sink. I pulled it out, unscrewed the lid and then let the alcohol burn my throat. The burn made me feel something, even if it was pain, and that was what I needed to feel right now. It was this moment when I realized what Haymitch saw in drinking, why he drank so much. He had drunk not just to forget, but to feel something other than pain. Once I had finished what little of it that was left, I walked into the bedroom and crawled under the puffy comforter sheets Haymitch had once laid me down in. I give credit to the alcohol that helped me fall asleep that night.

_**OoOoOoOoOo**_

I don't know what time it was when I woke up the next day but I had woken up to a noise. Someone had opened the front door, closed it behind them, and then I heard the clinking of glasses. My chest felt tight and my mind was racing. Was it Gale coming back to make sure I hadn't told my mother about what had happened? There wasn't much that could be done in District Twelve but maybe his fear might just make him do something stupid and come after me. I looked around, panicked for a weapon until I found a battle knife Haymitch had undoubtedly used in his Hunger Games so long ago on the bedside table. I held it in my hand tightly and became silent on my feet as I headed towards the door and quietly opened it, looking around. As soon as I saw a head of dirty blond hair walk in front of me, his back facing me, I grabbed him and held the knife to his throat. The blade pressed into his skin but I made sure it wasn't putting his life in danger.

"Hey! Wait, Katniss… relax! It's just me," a familiar and scared voice spoke up.

My heart flickered to life slightly as I recognized the voice as Peeta's but I was still weary. I remembered the last time I saw him and I reluctantly let him go out of my grip but still held the knife in my hand. I glanced at him and saw the hesitance in his own eyes.

"What are you doing here?" He asked me cautiously, searching my face.

In the dim light of the morning, I could see Peeta looking at my cut lip from Gale's fist the night before. "H-Haymitch didn't want to come back. I-I came back alone," I answered him just as cautiously. "Why did you leave me, Peeta? I thought we were in this together. You left me with Gale…"

Peeta's eyes furrowed in what I guessed was confusion. "Wait, what? I didn't… leave you with Gale, Katniss. I left because I figured you could handle it on your own and I-I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't know… I didn't know Gale found you, I swear."

I knew he was telling the truth. After years of knowing Peeta and being with him in the Hunger Games, I knew that he really didn't want to hurt me and I had to respect his decision. Yet there was another part of me that felt betrayed by him too, and this part of me was harder to hide.

"Well… he did. He raped me, Peeta. I was able to kick him and escape, though."

"He what?! That son of a bitch…" Peeta swore angrily, vengeance already forming in his Seam eyes. I didn't say anything until I saw him start towards the door, realizing that he was going to go find Gale at that moment and fight for my honor.

I reached out quickly and grabbed his arm, "Peeta, stop," I said firmly. "Please… let's just… sit down and talk."

I didn't really want to talk about this whole thing but I knew I probably should anyway. Also, it would mean that he would stay with me for a little bit and I really needed friends right now.

Peeta's hands were shaking and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. I didn't need Peeta to snap into one of his hijack attacks right now. I took one of his shaking hands and lead him over to the couch, sitting down beside him but not letting go of his hand. For his benefit or my own, I wasn't sure why I kept holding his hand but he didn't let go. In fact, he even gently squeezed my hand, perhaps in reassurance that he wasn't going to leave me.

"Okay, tell me what happened. I'll listen."

I was quiet for a few moments, collecting my thoughts and really not willing to go through what Gale did again but I told him. I told him everything that happened and even told him about Haymitch being with the other woman. When I finished, a mixture of emotions appeared on Peeta's face and his eyes looked conflicting. He put his face in his hands and then exhaled deeply before he looked at me.

"So… he hit you."

"I've been hit before, Peeta. What Gale did was nothing compared to what we've been through in the Games. Gale hasn't been right for awhile," I tried to explain to him.

Peeta nodded slowly. "It still doesn't make anything he did to you right, Katniss. Where did your mother go? Was she still here when you came back?"

I forced tears back again and felt my own hands begin to tremble, hearing her voice in my head. I took a deep breath and nodded as I felt a sob form in the back of my throat and begin to rise up.

"Did you tell her what Gale did?"

I nodded again, terrified that if I spoke again, my voice would crack and then Peeta would see me start crying. I was so ashamed. I was ashamed for everything. I was even ashamed that my sister died and I couldn't save her in time. I couldn't be the daughter my mother wanted around. I was a burden.

"Did… she check you out and everything?" Peeta tried to urge me to talk.

"Y-Yes…" I whispered, feeling the tears begin to run down my face again just as it had earlier.

He must have heard the hesitation in my voice when I answered because he suddenly wrapped his arms around me in an embrace. I hugged him back tightly but his natural instincts made me begin to sob uncontrollably into his shirt. I don't know where it was all coming from but every time I tried to calm myself down, more tears came and I couldn't shut it all off. I held his shirt in my hands as if I might spontaneously combust if he made me let go, which he didn't. He stroked my hair gently as I cried, whispering comforting words the whole time.

"Don't worry, Katniss. I'm not going to leave you again until you want me to. I won't let Gale hurt you again."

I sobbed again but I was grateful Peeta had said this. I didn't want to be alone anymore and if Gale came back, I wasn't sure I could be as strong as I was before. This wasn't right, though; Haymitch should be the one holding me and telling me he was going to protect me. He should be the one to stroke my hair between his fingers and let me breathe him in, but he wasn't. Haymitch was probably still in the Penthouse suite our district had stayed in with his girlfriend or mistress or whoever it was. I couldn't understand this. I couldn't wrap my head around why Haymitch had done this to me and it hurt.

I curled in closer to Peeta, crying until I was dried up. I wasn't going to forget about Haymitch, but I also wasn't going to ignore the person who had stuck with me through thick and thin, and protected me despite hurting himself. Peeta would take a bullet for me, I knew this for a fact, but I also internally reminded myself that he was still unstable, and could snap at any time. Maybe I needed someone like this again, someone I could take care of while they took care of me. But I also reminded myself that I needed to talk to Haymitch. I needed straight answers from him, even if it meant the end of our relationship.


	14. Allies

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who are still following my story after so long. Thank you for your patience and reviews! I've decided that I might do one more chapter after this one and create the sequel to The Phoenix. I hope after this story is complete, you'll continue to follow me with the new sequel, title yet to be decided.**

**Now, without further adieu...**

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Chapter Fourteen: Allies

. . .

A flash of Haymitch and an image of what I imagined happened after I left entered my dreams and turned them into nightmares. My nightmares worsened when I suddenly felt Gale on top of me, thrusting into me harder and harder, causing me unimaginable pain. I didn't know if I was screaming for real or in my dream but I thrashed against him and starting clawing him with what fingernails I had as panic consumed my entire being. I felt hands grab my wrists and then a voice forced me to open my eyes.

"Katniss! Katniss, wake up! It's me! It's Peeta! Wake up!"

I stopped thrashing around now and felt something wet on my cheeks. I looked around the room, trying to recognize my surroundings again. Something felt off. I felt terrified and empty. I felt fearful and I then realized what I had done to his face. Three scratches on his face and five on his neck had started to bleed and run down his skin. He looked at me with his own brand of fear in his eyes and I couldn't catch my breath.

"I-I'm sorry… I don't know what happened to me… I'm sorry, Peeta. I-I had a dream and G-Gale was there. He was hurting me…"

Peeta wrapped his arms around me just as he had done last night. "Shhh… it's alright, Katniss. You have nothing to be sorry for. He's not here and I promised you that I'd protect you," Peeta reassured me as he gently stroked my hair.

His arms felt warm and welcoming but I forced myself out of them slowly and looked at the places I had scratched him. I hadn't meant to hurt him. It was the last thing I wanted to do and yet here he was bleeding. It was starting to become what it had been right after Prim died, when I was having night terrors with Peeta and we were unintentionally hurting each other. It felt like an insane version of déjà vu.

"Y-You can't stay here, Peeta… I-I'm just going to hurt you again."

Peeta shook his head and sighed. "You shouldn't be alone, Katniss. You've been through a lot and I think I should be here for you. You were there for me when I was hijacked. You didn't leave me. I left you because I knew it was the right thing to do. Besides, I want to be here in case Gale tries to find you again."

I knew it would be pointless to argue and he was going to stay whether I wanted him to or not. My heart was still racing in my chest and it still felt so tight, like a great heaviness was going to collapse and make my heart explode at any second. "At least let me disinfect the scratches. Make some tea for us," I almost whispered.

He nodded obediently and then stood up before he walked out into the kitchen. I hoped into Haymitch's shower even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I washed myself until my skin broke open in several places before I rinsed off and got changed into clean clothes. I put my other clothes into a pile in the corner, internally reminding myself to burn them all later. It just made me have flashes of bad memories I wanted to forget. I grabbed the first aid medical kit in the bathroom Haymitch kept in the medicine cabinet and walked out to where Peeta sat at the kitchen table, two mugs of tea in our respective places.

I smiled weakly as I moved my seat closer to him and gently placed the disinfectant on each of my fingernail scratches. I didn't want to take the chance of him getting an infection and have to go to the Capitol to get checked out and cured, and I knew my mother wouldn't be coming around any time soon.

"Thank you, Katniss. I know you didn't mean to do it, really… I understand. You know that better than anyone."

I swallowed hard and nodded, remembering all the times he tried to kill me after the hijacking and all the other times I scratched him up during my night terrors. This wasn't the first time I had scratched him and I knew it wouldn't be the last but this fact made me slightly sad. He was just trying to help me through this and I was repaying him by making him bleed.

I wrapped my hands around the warm mug of tea and my sadness started to gradually increase until dark thoughts entered my head. I thought about how worthless I had to be for Haymitch to lie to my face and tell me he wasn't interested in anyone older than me. I had been stupid enough to believe him; it was my own fault. I forced m increase until dark thoughts entered my head. I thought about how worthless I had to be for Haymitch to lie to my face and tell me he wasn't interested in anyone older than me. I had been stupid enough to believe him; it was my own fault. I forced myself to look at Peeta, curious about how he was handling everything.

"Have you had any urges to kill me yet?" I asked earnestly.

This question seemed to throw him off because I watched as he took a long drink of tea, perhaps wishing he could throw some of Haymitch's whiskey into it. "Umm… no, actually. I haven't since I came back last night."

It had only been several hours. This didn't really mean anything to me. His hijack attacks happened out of the blue but I did notice they were less when Peeta and I played the "real or not real" game. Suddenly, I got an idea.

"Peeta, when you do feel like you're slipping away, and you can feel a hijack attack coming on, I want you to ask me 'real or not real' questions, okay?"

He looked at me curiously but I felt like I had to give myself some credit. I found the connection and I really believed this could help him. Plus, I was trying to help him even though I felt like I was living in the deepest circle of Hell. Maybe if I felt like I was worth something, I could possibly even help myself.

"Sure, yeah. Okay… do you think it could help? We've done the real or not real game in the past, when… when we were together, and I still tried to kill you, Katniss."

I nodded knowingly and took a deep breath. "I know, but… we didn't play the game long enough. We should play it as soon as you start feeling yourself come undone, and we should play it until you feel yourself become grounded again. I think that was the problem last time…that we didn't do it long enough."

Peeta nodded and smiled half-heartedly at me. "That sounds good. I'll do that then. Would you like some more tea?"

I looked down into my mug and realized it was still full. I had spaced out longer than I thought earlier. "I still have some, but go ahead."

Peeta stood up and poured himself another mug full of mint tea when there was a knock at the door. I felt my heart cease beating in my chest for a millisecond, knowing it could either be Gale or Haymitch. I looked at him and watched as he suddenly pulled out a knife from his back pocket, the same knife I had been holding to his throat last night. I felt an uneasiness as I thought how I didn't like the idea of him having a weapon on him at all times, especially when he was still a health hazard to me.

I stood up, prepared to run into the bedroom to lock the door in case it was the former person I was still terrified of. I watched Peeta open the door and then felt shock reverberate throughout my body when I saw Haymitch standing in the doorway, looking disheveled but mentally together. I was half surprised he wasn't drunk.

"What are you doing here?" Peeta asked him with warning in his voice.

Haymitch actually looked a bit fearful of Peeta as he eyed the knife Peeta was holding at his side. "Peeta, I'm going to come in and talk to Katniss, whether you like it or not."

Peeta looked back at me for a second and waited for my nod before he reluctantly let Haymitch inside. "I'm surprised you didn't bring your whore with you."

My stomach twisted uncomfortably, never having heard Peeta use that word before. Haymitch reacted the exact way I knew he was going to. He did a defense maneuver and spun Peeta around before pinning him to the wall with one hand to his throat and grabbing the knife with the other, aiming the knife towards his cheeks as Peeta struggled. I half limped, half ran over to the two guys and almost hesitantly placed a hand on Haymitch's shoulder.

"Let him go," I spoke coldly but to my dismay it came out more like pleading. "Let him go and you and I will talk."

I waited and watched as Haymitch released Peeta but kept the knife that was rightfully his as he turned to face me. His eyes looked tired and angry at the same time. I had already promised myself not to let him see me cry again. I watched Peeta out of the corner of my eye as he walked back into the kitchen to give Haymitch and me some privacy.

"You betrayed me," I spoke first, accusation laced in my voice.

Haymitch sighed before wetting his lips with impatience already. "I didn't just leave because your mother told me to. She might be a doctor but she doesn't have that authority over me. I left because while you were out, the Capitol told me to come back."

"There was nothing to go back for! There wasn't another Reaping. You had no one to mentor! You went back just so you could be a dog and sleep around like you used to!"

"That's not entirely true, sweetheart," Haymitch replied icily, the pet name sounding like it used to sound, condescending. "The Capitol wanted me to be a part of the Reaping that would take place in a few months. They wanted to rig it so you would be picked again. I told them I wouldn't have any part in it! They didn't like that very much."

"So what did they do, lock up in a room with a woman that was conveniently closer to your age and force you to have sex with her?!" I knew I was sounding overly dramatic but I couldn't think of a reason to be rational right now.

"Yes," Haymitch said dead serious. "They did exactly that. They shot a serum into my arm and the only way it would disappear would be if I did as they said. We had sex, and that was all that it was, and they unlocked the damn doors afterwards."

I couldn't believe my ears and before I could stop myself, I heard laughing coming from somewhere. "That is the most unbelievable crap you could've ever told me, Haymitch. You're so full of shit."

I saw anger flicker in his eyes and he moved closer to me. I thought for a solitary moment that he was going to take a swing at me but he rolled his shirt sleeve up to reveal a syringe mark. I gently grabbed his arm and examined it in the light of the room. It looked legit but I still was finding it difficult to believe.

"Why? Why would they do that? What would be the point of that?"

Haymitch looked over at Peeta and back at me, running a hand through his hair. "The serum burned under my skin and they created the serum so the only way the pain would dissipate is if another body fluid was released out of the body. Plus, they wanted to help repopulate the Capitol so… that's that."

I felt my blood freeze and I searched his eyes. He was serious. He wasn't making this up. How could the Capitol even think to do this? They were playing God in a way that I couldn't even comprehend. Would it still be considered rape?

"D-Did you want to have sex with her?" I asked, hating myself for having to know the answer.

"No," he answered quickly and calmly. "I didn't. I just wanted the pain from the serum they injected me with to stop, more than anything, and… she was willing. She wanted to help with the Capitol's damn cause, Katniss."

I was speechless for several moments, trying to take all of this in. I felt conflicted; Peeta was trying his best to overcome his demons and I knew he couldn't do it alone. Haymitch had come back saying how the Capitol was trying to regenerate the population again by forcing the men to have sex with Capitol women. It all seemed bizarre but the crazy thing is that it wasn't all that farfetched for me to believe. The Capitol wasn't against putting children and teenagers into a dangerous climate and letting them battle to the death with each other so why should I be surprised that they would do something like this?

"Why did you tell me the Capitol still needed you there after you were done? Why couldn't you have come back with me?"

"They were still keeping me there because they figured you would find a way in and they wanted you to believe that I was the bastard in all this, that… you would instantly assume I ran off and cheated on you with another woman. The Capitol would do anything to keep us apart."

I took this in and nodded understandingly. I felt like any other time I would be breaking down sobbing and not believe what he said but right now, my instincts were telling me to trust him, so I did. "So where do we go from here?"

Haymitch seemed partially relieved that I believed him. "What happened to you? Tell me who hurt you."

I heard Peeta's footsteps come up from behind me and watched as Haymitch's eyes looked off to the side. "Gale. Gale hurt her, Haymitch," he answered for me.

His voice sounded protective and sad, anger no longer edged into it anymore. I couldn't help but feel grateful to have two men who legitimately cared for my well-being. I just wanted to return the favor, more than anything. I wanted to not feel completely worthless like Gale made me feel in five minutes.

I watched the color drain from Haymitch's face and he looked from Peeta to me, his eyes drowning in a million questions. "How? Why? I thought he was here with your mother, Katniss."

I waited for Peeta to answer for me again but was thankful when he let me answer this one. "Peeta was afraid that he was putting my life at risk by staying with me at the house we were at so he left and came back here to Twelve. While I was alone, Gale snuck in and…. attacked me."

I wanted to leave it at that and talk to Haymitch privately about it but I knew he wasn't going to let me do this. I saw the wheels turning in his mind and he grabbed at his hair, looking helpless and upset. I was surprised at his reaction to this news; I had expected him to storm out looking for Gale and trying to murder him. I could see other questions in his eyes but at least he had the decency to not talk about those details in front of Peeta, even though he already knew them. Instead, he focused an outburst of anger at him.

He grabbed Peeta and suddenly slashed at his arm, inflicting a gash that was deep enough to warrant stitching. "Haymitch! What the hell?"

"Where were you, Mellark? Why did you leave her?! Why didn't you stay with her?!"

"Stop it, Haymitch! Leave him alone!"

Peeta grabbed his arm and groaned loudly in pain, trying to slow down the bleeding by holding his hand firmly on the gash. He looked up at Haymitch with determined eyes. "I-I didn't want to hurt her! I didn't! I left for her own good! I knew she could handle herself!"

Haymitch suddenly threw Peeta down on the ground and punched him, holding the knife to Peeta's throat threateningly. "Right! That's why Gale attacked her! She can handle herself pretty damn well, can't she?! You should've been there! You should've protected her, Peeta!"

I saw blood start to trickle down Peeta's throat and into the small crevice where his clavicles met. I felt myself fly into reactive mode and looked around for something I could stop this chaos with. I hurried over and grabbed my crossbow and slid an arrow into place, knowing that Haymitch was most likely seeing red and he wasn't going to stop any time soon. I instinctively pulled the string back and let go of it, letting the arrow fly exactly where I wanted it to; into Haymitch's shoulder.

The impact and pain Haymitch was feeling made him let go of the knife, trying to see the arrow. This gave Peeta enough time to move out of Haymitch's reach. The arrow through his shoulder looked horrible, but it wasn't life threatening unless it became infected after the arrow was removed. I've watched and helped my mother for enough with such injuries that I knew that Haymitch would probably just pass out from shock in the next ten minutes, but he would live. I was mostly worried for Peeta's gash, which was still bleeding extensively.

"He's insane… he can't seriously stay here with us," Peeta spoke under his breath as I moved him into the kitchen where the first aid kit still sat.

"First of all, this _is_ his house, Peeta. He has a right to stay here. Secondly, can you really blame him? You'd be reacting the exact same way he did if the roles were reversed," I said matter-of-factly, remaining strangely calm now that both men were subdued.

He yelped in pain as I poured alcohol on his two inch gash on his arm and then took needle and thread and started to sew him up, making a conscious effort to keep calm and not throw up all over him as the needle made its way through his skin from one side to the other.

"You're r-right," he nodded, looking away from his wound. "What are we going to do with him when he wakes up again?"

I glanced over at Haymitch who had indeed passed out from shock before looking quickly back at Peeta and refocused on his injury. "I'll talk to him. He'll be fine with you being here with us."

"That's not what I mean, Katniss…."

I looked up at him in confusion before I gently, but firmly, pulled his skin back together like a puzzle piece. "What do you mean then?"

Peeta shook his head and seemed to laugh in disbelief at my confusion. "I mean… you shot a fucking arrow through him, Katniss. What if you had hit his heart instead of his shoulder? You could've killed him!"

"I know how to shoot, Peeta. I've done it a million times and I know where to aim. He'll be okay once I pull the arrow out and clean the wound. I'll just have to bandage him a couple times a day and watch for signs of infection," I assured him.

He was quiet for several minutes as I finished sewing him up and watched as the bleeding almost completely ceased. I spread antiseptic ointment on the outline of the gash before I put gauze and tape on it. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. He looked down at his hands a bit uneasily.

"How are you feeling, Peeta?"

"All right," he nodded honestly, writhing his hands. "I just… it scares me, Katniss. What the Capitol did to that girl and Haymitch. If they're capable of doing that, maybe they're capable of really starting another Hunger Games without President Snow. They don't want things to change. They want things to work better, smoother… they want to repopulate the Capitol and all the Districts that were firebombed and destroyed."

This thought hadn't crossed my mind but now that he had said all this, I could feel my own uneasiness growing. "How do you know that's what they're doing?"

"I don't know for sure but… on the train back when I left you, I heard people talking. They Peacekeepers, I think. They weren't really dressed up or anything but… I could just tell by how they were talking. Anyway, they were saying things like… how they'll be glad when the new population is formed and how they're going to train them early, and set up a new regime that was better than Snow's. It sounded like the Capitol had everything planned out for a new Panem."

I bit my lip nervously, ignoring the metallic taste that entered my mouth. "If that's true, then you and Haymitch need to forgive whatever grudges you two have and we need to start another rebellion or something. We have enough enemies. What we need right now are allies."

I had thought instantly that Peeta was going to disagree and try to fight me on the idea but by his nod, he seemed to agree fully. This scared me. It scared me that Peeta was being so compliant and it scared me that Haymitch wouldn't have thought twice about slitting Peeta's throat minutes earlier. It scared me that the Capitol was attempting to create a utopian society with a perfect race but I think it scared me most to know that this would all be happening faster than any of us could ever imagine, and we had to be ready to fight against it.


	15. Rebellion, Part Deux

**A/N: Okay so this is the last chapter of this story. Thank you to everyone who took the time to review! If you liked it, I urge you to follow the sequel to this story which will be called, "Phoenix Rising." **

I might also give my sequel an M rating just to cover all my bases, so don't freak out if it's not listed in the T ratings. I might end up changing the rating for this story as well, just to be safe.

Anyway, please _**please**_ review this chapter since it is the last one for this story and I hope to see you following my sequel. I shall post the first chapter of that one once I get a few reviews from this one**.**

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Chapter Fifteen: Rebellion, Part Deux

. . .

After I took a pair of wire cutters and snapped both ends of the arrow that was lodged in Haymitch's shoulder, I pulled the shaft of the arrow out as cleanly and painlessly as possible. I made sure to do all of this while he was passed out and apart from the occasional twitch or groan, he didn't seem to be in extensive pain.

"He'll be feeling all this when he wakes up," Peeta said as I glanced over at Haymitch once I placed the arrow on the floor.

"Yeah, but it's a good thing that he keeps a large supply of alcohol under the sink. Can you come over here and press this down on his shoulder as hard as you can? I need the bleeding to slow down a bit."

Peeta hurried over to my side and knelt down beside Haymitch and did as I asked, applying pressure to the cloth that I had covering the wound. "I still can't believe you shot him to save me. I gotta say I wasn't expecting that…"

I looked up at him as I poured the tiny single serving bottle of rubbing alcohol on the wound, feeling almost offended, but shook it off as I grabbed the sewing kit and started threading the needle with standard black thread. "Well I feel stupid now, thinking that you'd be grateful I stopped him from slitting your throat open," I replied a bit coldly, unable to stop myself.

"Katniss, of course I'm grateful. I just meant… that I know how much you love him and I didn't think you'd even try to protect me after all the times I've tried to kill you."

I knew this wasn't the time to fight about this so I just let the anger slide down my throat and form a knot in the pit of my stomach. "Peeta, I do love him, but we have history. We were in our first and second Hunger Games together. We've saved each other countless times, more times than I can count, and if it hadn't been for you throwing that bread to me all those years ago, I might've died. I think at this point, it'd be ridiculous if we didn't at least attempt to save each other."

He nodded and ran a hand through his hair before slowly taking his hands off Haymitch's shoulder. I looked over and saw the bleeding and slowed down and smiled to myself in relief. Even though he had slept with someone else, I believe it really had been against his will so I could hardly hold that against him. He had no choice just like how Peeta had been programmed to attempt to kill me at unpredictable times.

I began to sew his shoulder up so the bleeding would clot and it wouldn't get infected. I had just broken the needle through a small patch of his skin when I heard him shout out in pain and curse.

"Damn it! Peeta, try to hold him still so he doesn't jerk around with this needle in him. I don't want to tear him open," I ordered him as Haymitch had begun to try to move his body away from the pain.

Peeta almost too easily pinned Haymitch on the floor and positioned himself at his head so he could hold his good shoulder and part of the bad one down. I was surprised at how Haymitch seemed to let him do this without any trouble, besides the occasional jolt. I had to reposition myself so I was in line with Haymitch's shoulder; as I did this, I purposely sat on his arm to help Peeta restrain him.

"Get off of me, both of you!" He growled. "Oh god… what the hell did you do to me, Katniss?!"

"Quit your whining. I did what I had to! I didn't think you wanted blood stains on your precious floor," I answered him, trying to make quick work of stitching him up. "You would think you'd be used to pain after being hurt in the Games."

Haymitch let out a half-hearted chuckle now, but I assumed it had been a chuckle of disbelief and contempt. "Let me shoot you in the arm and see if you handle it coolly, sweetheart."

When I saw him give into my stitching job, I got off his arm and glanced up at Peeta. "Get him one of the whiskey bottles from under the sink, Peeta." I didn't wait for him to nod as I continued my task. "In case you forgot, my forearm was practically ripped open and a fireball burned away the skin on my leg so I know pain, and I did handle it pretty well, all things considering. I had to…"

He seemed to look up at me with regret and a kind of sadness in his eyes. "I-I know, sweetheart," he replied in a tone that was half sarcastic, half genuine.

I didn't really know what to say to him after that and was grateful when Peeta came back with the bottle in his hand. I finished up the makeshift stitches and then placed antiseptic over the stitches and then gauze before taping it to his chest. I handed the bottle to Haymitch and he reached for it with his good arm and began to chug it before I could say anything.

Peeta and I exchanged glances and then sat down on either side of Haymitch to try and calm down a bit. We watched our mentor try to down the bottle as fast as he could but once he made it halfway, I took the bottle from him.

"I want you to apologize and shake hands. I can't have you two being enemies when we go take down the Capitol again. I need you two on the same side," I stated, feeling like I was scolding a couple of children.

Haymitch sat up halfway and looked over at Peeta, both of my guys looking so pitiful at one another. I didn't think they were going to do anything for the longest time. I was starting to become uneasy when I saw Haymitch hold his hand out to Peeta, and then watched him grab it and shake it firmly. I felt a flicker of hope and happiness light up inside me; a part of me feeling satisfied that they had even listened to me.

"Good. We need to figure out what we're going to do now. We can't let them repopulate the Capitol and let the cycle start all over. We need to figure out how we're going to handle this." I didn't know who in particular I was talking to but I was mostly just thinking aloud.

"Well, let's think, Katniss. Are we going to go on a killing spree and just kill everyone there? Or are we going to let some live and walk away?"

I hadn't thought about that aspect. I knew that there were still young Capitol children who were growing up there. "What if the ones we let live decide to follow in their parents' footsteps and go back to the old ways?"

"Wait, Katniss," Peeta chimed in. "We can't kill children. I can't believe we're even talking about killing anyone at all. Why can't we just have you say a speech like you did before during the rebellion?"

"People died during the rebellion, and it was our side that killed them, Peeta. Do you think the Peacekeepers there are going to let us walk in there without any attempts on our life? Haymitch pretty much ran away from the Capitol. We're going to have to kill some people in self defense," I tried to reason with him.

"Exactly. Now isn't the time to become a pacifist, Mellark."

Peeta looked at me with impatience written all over his face and I could tell he didn't like that me and Haymitch were on the same team in this discussion. What did he think I was going to side with? He knew what I had to do during the rebellion. Not everyone is innocent and we had to bring down anyone who dared to question our motives. It was a matter of self preservation. Situations like these couldn't be thought in terms of mass genocide.

"We all need a couple weeks to build our strength back up. We'll figure out the details once you two heal up and we get our weapon count back up."

Peeta gave a short nod and stood back up before he hurried outside. I debated going after him as I heard him start to chop wood behind the house. I looked over at Haymitch, feeling like I just couldn't win, no matter whose side I chose. He seemed to recognize my helplessness because he wrapped his good arm around my shoulders and kissed my hair, lingering there.

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart. We'll make him understand. He just needs a bit to cool off."

I bit my lip with uncertainty and nodded against Haymitch, wanting him to be right more than anything else but I had to admit that I was also having doubts. What if Peeta suddenly took the side Gale once did, about how the Games are good and maybe having a Capitol government was for the best? I wouldn't know what to do then, but I just knew that I couldn't kill Peeta if I had to. I think I'd be more likely to kill myself than him. Then another thought came to me.

"Gale…"

Haymitch leaned back and grabbed the bottle of alcohol again before taking a long swig from it again. "What about Mr. Hawthorne?"

Hearing Gale's name made me want to reach over and take the whiskey from Haymitch, wanting to forget everything relating to him. "What if Gale finds out what we're trying to do? What if he stops us? What if he tries to kill us?"

Haymitch set the bottle down on the floor and gently brought my chin up to force me to meet his eyes. "We'll be ready for him, Katniss. I won't let him touch you and I know that Peeta would die before ever letting Gale hurt you too. If he tries to stop us we'll do whatever we have to, even if it means killing him. I figure that we'll take these two to three weeks to help you get your muscle back and we'll all work out a solid plan to take the Capitol down for good. Whatever happens, we're all in this together."

I nodded, truly believing his words. I rarely ever heard him speak with confidence but whenever I did, I could just feel it in my bones that what he told me was true. It felt like a weird sort of sixth sense to me and a part of me felt like Haymitch knew I was feeling this. When he met my eyes, I felt like we had a mutual understanding.

We sat in a somewhat uncomfortable silence for several minutes as he occasionally drank from the whiskey bottle until I felt the need to speak up. "I'm not sorry, about shooting you earlier," I barely whispered to him, feeling guilty.

"I know, kiddo. I was just… seeing red, and I get that you did it in all of our best interest. I'm just glad to see that you can pick up that bow so easily again, just like the old days."

I forced a smile and looked down at my hands. "I don't want to repeat the old days, Haymitch. I don't want to lead another rebellion. The first one failed so why should this one be any different?"

He sighed and handed me the bottle. I reluctantly took a drink out of it. "You can't think like that. We have a better chance of winning this one. There are less people in charge. Snow's dead so the same leadership isn't there. People are still questioning the Capitol's motives. Not everyone believes it's for the greater good."

I shrugged but knew he was just trying to help me. It wouldn't be that easy to take it all down. Not when it had taken years to build it up. True, there would be some who wouldn't be working against us, but there would definitely be more people resisting. I didn't know exactly what to expect but I knew that this wasn't going to be as easy as he was making it sound. I took another drink and then handed the bottle back to him to finish.

"I'm going to go see how Peeta's doing. Do you need anything?"

Haymitch let out a cough and then smirked at me. "How about some aspirin, sweetheart?"

I looked at him, unsure if he was being serious or not. I raised my eyebrows and then felt the sides of my mouth curve upwards as I looked down at him. "You probably shouldn't take aspirin with whiskey."

He laughed now and then finished off the bottle but he didn't seem that drunk. The bad part of Haymitch was that he had drank so much after his Quarter Quell that he had built up such a tolerance that it took at least two or three bottles to get him completely drunk. I walked into the kitchen, imagining that he was feeling the pain in his shoulder again so I grabbed another bottle and handed it to him.

"I can't believe your stash of alcohol under the sink. You have to have at least nine bottles under there. You know some people would say that you're an alcoholic," I teased him playfully.

He unscrewed the top from the bottle and rolled his eyes at me as he took a sip. "Don't you have a baker to see?"

I chuckled and then kissed Haymitch's temple before I walked out the back door and into the enclosed, small backyard. I stood there, watching Peeta splitting wood for a good five minutes. I didn't know if he was ignoring me and hoped I would eventually go away or if he genuinely didn't know I was standing there.

"How's your arm?" I asked, trying to sound casual.

He threw the two pieces of wood into the small pile he had accumulated and glanced back at me before he swung the axe back down a fresh log. "Obviously it's good enough for me to be splitting wood."

I watched him carefully and noticed he winced every time he broke the axe down. He was in pain but he just didn't want to appear weak. "You shouldn't be doing this with your arm. You should wait until the muscle heals. You're just going to make it worse, Peeta."

"Like it matters," he said icily, throwing more wood into the pile. "You don't need me for your second rebellion, Katniss. You and Haymitch have it covered. Why should I get in your way of what you really want?"

I stiffened and crossed my arms in front of my chest defensively. "What are you talking about, Peeta? Of course we need you."

"Bullshit. I'm just going to get in the way. You want to lead this rebellion again and be the hero. You want to be responsible for taking down the Capitol and you need Haymitch to help you."

Peeta's bizarre conclusions were making me feel nervous. I walked over to him and grabbed the axe from him, just in case. "Stop. Stop talking like this! Where is all this coming from? You were okay earlier when we were discussing the plan. Why are you suddenly turning against me?"

Peeta wiped the sweat from his forehead and grabbed at his hair, anger laced in his eyes. Something didn't feel right. I took a step back although more than anything, I wanted to walk over to him, wrap my arms around his body and make him feel safe. I wanted to undo everything the Capitol had done when they hijacked his mind, feeding him lies.

"You think you're above me! You just want the fame and glory, you and Haymitch both! You don't me to help you… you just want me to die for the two of you! Well, I won't do that… I can't…"

In mid speech, he had started to pace back and forth, just adding to my nervousness. I knew I had to be brave now and try to reverse this attack he was having. I forced myself to take a step towards him when I just wanted to turn and run back into the house.

"Peeta, take a deep breath and try to think clearly. What you're saying doesn't make any sense. Why would we want you to die? We don't. We both care about you. The last thing we want is for you to hurt. We would both take bullets for you…"

He continued to pace and his hands were shaking as he gripped his hair with them, his face filled with panic and rage. "No… no! You want me to die for your cause! You don't need me… no one needs me! I'm just a pawn in your games…"

This wasn't like his normal hijack attacks. This was like a combination of a panic attack and a suicidal ideation. I didn't recognize this and it scared me because I didn't know how to handle this. I needed help.

"Haymitch!" I called out, feeling desperate but hoping he hadn't reached total intoxication yet.

My hopes were answered when I saw him rush out to where we were, reeking of whiskey but still seemed sober enough to realize what was going on. He placed a cautious hand on my shoulder and then moved in front of me protectively towards Gale.

"Mellark… what's going on?"

Peeta started towards Haymitch but then seemed to remember he didn't have the axe anymore and then stopped. He put his hand on his chest and I began to panic a bit myself. This was a new development and we weren't sure how to handle it.

"You… stay away from me! You just want me dead too! Well I'm not going to die for your cause! I'm not!"

Haymitch moved towards me but kept an eye on Peeta the whole time. He moved closer to me and I thought he was going to kiss my neck but when he moved in, he whispered in my ear. "Go inside and open the bedside table drawer. There should be one of the syringes we used to calm him down from before."

I kissed his cheek, trying to make it look like we weren't planning a secret attack on Peeta. I moved into the house and then ran into the bedroom to the bedside table. I hurriedly opened it and grabbed the syringe that was in there. Giving him the shot of serum that calmed him down and knocked him out for an hour was our best hope until we figured out what was going on. It seemed like the Capital didn't need him any longer to program thoughts into his head. What scared me the most though was the mention of utter worthless he had felt. Maybe that was the new plan for the Capital, to make anyone who was on my side suicidal to the point of killing themselves off themselves.

I walked back out, holding the syringe in my sleeve and started to move towards Peeta. "Listen to me… this is the Capital's doing, Peeta. They're the ones who are making you have these thoughts. They're not real. They just want you to hate me,"

Peeta searched my face and shook his head but didn't seem fully convinced. I continued to walk closer and closer to him until we were inches apart. "Please don't let them in. Just focus on me, and my voice. I'm real, Peeta. Remember our game? Real or not real… I'm real. Haymitch is real. You are real, but the voices in your head are not. They're robotic and heartless. You don't want to hurt us, do you? We love you, Peeta. We don't want to hurt you."

He nodded slowly but his eyes still looked clouded over with uncertainty. He began to move in closer to me and it was this time when I realized I was still holding the axe in one hand. Suddenly, he jumped on top of me, knocking me to the ground and then took the axe from my hand before I had time to react. As soon as I saw him raise it, I heard Haymitch yell and start towards Peeta. I grabbed the syringe from my sleeve and then plunged it into Peeta's upper leg, the only place I was physically able to get to the quickest. Just as he brought down the axe, I rolled out of the way and then saw Haymitch spear him to the ground and then pin his arms down.

I watched as Peeta struggled violently at first and then, almost all at once, seemed to fall asleep on the ground. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and then walked over to Haymitch who stood back up and then scooped Peeta up easily like a child.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?"

I nodded and then thumbed the empty syringe in my hand as we walked back inside, watching as Haymitch gently set Peeta on the couch. I started the fire again to help distract my thoughts. I was terrified but I didn't want to let Haymitch know that.

"What are we going to do with him? We won't have time to give him a shot every time he flies into an attack, Haymitch."

He sighed and wrapped a blanket around Peeta before kneeling down beside me. "I know, but… what are we going to? We can't leave him here. What was he saying to you?"

"The same thing he said to you except he was saying how he was just a pawn for us and how he was worthless and pretty much better off dead," I answered as calmly as I could before I got the fire going again.

"Jesus… if we leave him here, he might end up killing himself."

"I know," I agreed solemnly. "I don't want him to die like that. It was different when we had the pills before in the first rebellion. That somehow seemed nobler. It made more sense."

Haymitch nodded. "Yeah, I understand, Katniss. He should come with us. He won't be having the attacks all the time or anything. He could still be our muscle and he could come in handy if we do run into Gale and you and I are caught up doing something else…"

I thought for a bit. That sounded like Peeta really was just a pawn in our schemes but I knew that's not what Haymitch really meant to say. We would need anyone we could get on our side and Peeta was better off with us than totally alone. If we left him here to rot, then he really would kill himself; he was better off in the action with us. In the end, Haymitch was just looking out for his well-being.

"I agree. We still have some time. We'll keep with our schedule as planned. We'll spend some time getting stronger and making weapons. I'm going to need more arrows, stronger ones. We should still pack as many syringes with the calming serum as we can and when we have to use it, we'll just find a safe house at the Capital and barricade ourselves in until we can continue on."

I looked down where Peeta was sleeping on the couch and suddenly felt a burst of determination and courage. We could do this; we had to. Haymitch and I could make the situation work with Peeta. It was almost as if we were back at rebellion stage one with him except he appeared to be more of a danger to himself than to me. I could at least stop him from killing himself, if nothing else. He could hate me all he wanted but I would know for sure that it was the Capital's hijacking that did this to him. Maybe this was one of the stages that happened; maybe after the feeling of wanting to hurt and maim the selected victim, being me, the chemical in his brain transformed into something else and made himself the target. It was the only possibility I could think of at the moment.

Haymitch wrapped both his arms around me, wincing slightly. "We can do this. You've thought of everything, haven't you?"

I smiled weakly and nodded. "Someone has to think ahead in all this. I hate going into things unprepared," I admitted.

He started to stroke my hair again and just held me in front of the fire. We stayed like this for about an hour and I finally spoke up just as the sun was about to set. "I don't know what I would do if something happens to Peeta," I confessed softly.

Haymitch tensed up slightly but leaned down and kissed my neck playfully before I felt his breath on my ear. "We would do just as we always have, sweetheart. We'd keep going. If something does happen to him, we'll figure out what to do when that time comes, okay?"

I wanted to say I felt better, that I wasn't that worried anymore, but that wasn't true at all. I felt even more apprehensive about this whole thing, if that was possible. Haymitch had said 'when that time comes.' He seemed confident that Peeta really was going to go off the deep end and the only thing that did make me feel better was that I wasn't going to be alone in this. As always, I would have my guys who would help look out for me. This seemed almost insignificant but is somehow comforted me and gave me the push I would need to start training myself again, building my strength back up to what it was before, and maybe even finding a way to help Peeta slow down whatever was happening to his brain. Maybe I could do this; maybe I really could bring down the Capital. I had to.

After all, I was the Mockingjay. I had to help Panem sing our song of freedom. I had to destroy the Capital, once and for all, even if it killed me.

* * *

**That's it! This story is complete :) Don't forget to follow the sequel when I put it up - Phoenix Rising!**


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